Coming Home

[mleigh4]

Cali - you touched on something there, what you said about us all spending time together, as long as I can maintain that balance.....

I always feel happy that H wants to spend time with us. It is a major change since Bday. However, I still get the waives of anxiety when he gets on his phone, goes to the bathroom, goes into another room in the house to get something.....my first thought is always, is there OW??? I get worried about getting into his truck, will I smell perfume on the seatbelt? I don't go into his house, will I see something? I still can't let go of that and I don't know why. The images of this phantom person still go through my head, images of him looking at someone else the way he used to look at me, I just don't know why this still happens. However, it really only happens when we are together. So yes, because of this unresolved question in my head, spending time together can be unsettling for me.

I also sometimes think, if we were to ever reconcile, I would need to know if he was with anyone else, especially if there was any unprotected relations. This is a situation I don't want to be in the dark about. I know, some of you have mentioned that it would be better not to know. I worry that I would always wonder, like now. Infidelity is a huge issue with me. I don't care about their issues, I don't care about feeling vulnerable, I don't care if it's just a bandaid... It would kill me and I just don't think it is something I could forgive. That's just being honest. The sad part is, I had asked H a hundred times and he always insisted no other person. Why can't I just believe that?

I guess these are all questions and issues I would need to deal with, thoughts that go through my head. I just wish I could enjoy spending time together without this always being in the back of my mind. I wish I could believe H was telling the truth. Up until Bday, when I found out about lie after lie after lie, it changed everything for me.

It is a wonderful feeling when I am able to believe, this is all because H is going through something unresolved inside of him, that he needs this time to work through it, and that this has nothing to do with anyone else. That, I can forgive and love him for.

Ok, so this is what happens when I have too much time on my hands, my mind starts thinking way too much! Time to go back to projects. Thanks for listening, it helps to just get this off my chest, and you are the only people who get it.

Focus is back on me. And like I always tell myself, take each day one at a time, live life and enjoy, laugh, don't look for trouble, let life happen and cross each bridge as it comes.