Sorry Zelda, I can only imagine having your M seem within reach and it all goes to hell again. Don't blame yourself, it was his choice. His action, not yours. I know the struggle of feeling like you could have done things different to change it somehow, but you cant go down that road. Its all speculation on the "what ifs" and lives in fantasy land. The only thing that matters is what happened, not what could have happened. Your not responsible for his choices, only yours.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
