I don't want to kick him out. I have to worry about S4 though, he is my main concern.
H is not physically abusive, just a stupid drunk'n fool.
H called me a little bit ago and told me how sick he was...I said well you should be. I asked him if he was done with work early? H said no. I said were you slamming them? H said yeah.
I have a sitter for tonight so that H and I could go out to eat and watch the basketball game. H said he wasn't doing anything with me!! That he needed to spend a night at home. I said we'll just go for the game and sandwich and come home. I already have the sitter lined up and S knows she's coming and I'm not going to cancel. H sounded much more agreeable after that. S4 loves his sitters!! So we are going to dinner and to watch the BB game tonight. We also talked about the games and who we picked, etc. I didn't think this morning right away would be the time to get into his behavior from last night.
I need to address the issue of H's interaction with S4 last night.
Have you given any thought to buying the AA 12 Step Book? You could hand it to him, say, "H, I love you. You ARE NOT the terrible man you think you are...in fact, I KNOW that the answers to all your emotional pain are NOT in alcohol, they're in sobriety. I know how difficult it is to believe that, but I also know that YOU know that drinking is NOT the answer it's just fuel for the fire of your pain. I'm here, I'm staying here for you and so is your son. Because even though you don't like yourself, we love you."
Beautifully put, Cathy. You love your H. You don't need to defend your actions or emotions to anyone.
Only you can decide what part you will play in this scenario. Nobody has a right to tell you what to do or judge you for the decisions you make. You have a very tough situation. You have wonderful insight in to H's problem.
Cathy, what would you have done if H would have left last night? Obviously he was very drunk. Would you have let him drive away? Would you have called the police to keep him off the streets?
I know you have concerns for your son. What have you told him? Yes, he is young, but he knows something isn't right with dad when he comes home drunk. He is too young to understand what is going on, but he has emotions about dad's behaviour. Do you think he told dad to leave b/c he was afraid?
You do have alot to deal with. Keep praying and we'll pray with you.
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I don't know what I would have done, luckily I didn't have to do anything.
I don't think S told his dad to leave because he was afraid, I think S just wanted to be left alone. H was fooling with him and my S does say stuff like this when he gets mad, S is mouthy so it's not the first time I've heard S say this.
As an example, a while ago S was doing something he wasn't supposed to and H made him stand in the corner and S didn't want to stand in the corner. S is standing there mouthing back to his dad and at one point S said "you know what Dad if you don't let me out of this corner, I won't be your friend anymore" and H still wouldn't let him get out of the corner so S turns around again and says "fine then you're not my dad anymore" so this is normal conversation. My S stands up to his dad, at the age of 4, so I DO worry what is going to happen down the road as they both have the same temperment.
Loving an alcoholic...active OR sober...is a difficult and emotionally trying existance BUT the better you understand the disease and the psychological damage most alcoholics suffer the easier it is for you to have compassion for them.
Some alcoholics ARE truly unloveable people, some are however capable of accepting someone's love and only time and understanding of the medical and psychological impact of the disease will help YOU decide which one YOU decide he is.
T2
Quote: Please don't judge me, please don't make me wrong for letting H stay. I know my H is a mess, I know a lot of people wouldn't put up with this kind of crapp. I wanted to kick the cra## out of H last night. I wanted H do just go away!!! Thankfully he went to sleep/passed out.
Cathy, all of our WAS are messes... I don't think anyone has any right to judge anyone here on the bb. As for what people would put up with, NO ONE would put up with most of what we have and are putting up with. It certainly doesn't mean that we are wrong, but rather that we believe in our H's and rather than throw them and our Rs away, we would rather stick around for the healing.
Your H has let go or is letting go of the OW addiction. He is feeling all the pain from that. Hopefully, he will let go of this alcohol addicition, too. Letting him know that you are there for him, that you love him, and that you think he could be helped will do far more for him then throwing him out. Hang in there, girlfriend.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I hope you don't feel judged here. You're in a very tough place, and it would be wrong for any one of us to tell you how to live your life without being in your shoes.
Your H has a really tough problem. And it's affecting every single aspect of his life. It's affecting his health, probably his work relationships, his M and his R with his children.
His problem also happens to be a disease. Until he admits that he's powerless over his problem without God's help, and prays for His help and guidance to get and stay sober, it's going to be a roller coaster ride for you.
I mentioned Al-Anon for a reason. It's not from a slant of telling you that you're screwed up and need help... in fact, it is quite the opposite. You are NOT screwed up, but you love someone who is.
Cathy, I grew up in a house where alcohol was used to medicate. Though my parents are not alcoholics, they have a tendency to pour a glass of whatever when they're edgy and use it as a social reason to indulge. Mr. W comes from a family like your H.
They simply cannot/will not function without medicating first--before they problem solve.
My brother is a drug addict and alcoholic. You can love someone from a detached perspective but not enable them or allow them to fuzzy YOUR boundaries in the process.
I was taught to hold everyone else to a high standard but to make excuses for my brother because "he is sick". It basically confused the heck out of me. I chose men who were sick because I was so used to making excuses for why they treated me shabbily. And I learned how NOT to ask for what I wanted or how NOT to tell them that the way they acted toward me or others was unacceptable.
My family life was so miserable I moved all by myself from VA to CA--as far as I could get to get away from their problems. I had become the family mediator, marriage counselor to my parents and the one who was expected to think clearly. And I was 25 years old.
My problems found me in the Bay Area, though. I had all of them packed in the moving van but no support network. When I got migraines so bad I couldn't work, the doctor I was seeing told me to go get C. I did that, and she immediately recommended I head to Al-Anon.
I heard stories that were similar to yours. I wasn't married then, and didn't have kids, but I stuck with the program well until after I met Mr. W. With the help of some really great folks, I realized that I had no skill in setting boundaries with others because of how I was instructed to deal with my brother.
And if I hadn't have learned how to do that, I would be parenting the same way--teaching my girls to do the same thing all in the name of love.
Love doesn't mean that you lay yourself down on the sidewalk and encourage that one you love to step all over you so that they can continue to drink/use drugs and make excuses to others. You can love them without doing so. In fact, you SHOULD be doing so. If you DO act like you have a stake in his problem, you are an enabler--co dependent as they say in the 12 step vernacular.
You are not part of his problem, which means you are also not part of the solution.
Until your H wants to get sober, you can throw books at him or bring others who are sober to meet him--and nothing will happen (except you will be disappointed).
I'm not saying that bringing the 12 step book home is a bad idea--and maybe he'll be inclined to understand that this problem is now manifested itself into epic proportions and force him to see himself that way.
Every recovering alcoholic will tell you the moment they realized that they couldn't go on one minute longer living to drink. Often that moment of truth occurs when they see love from the ones they hurt the most.
(((((Cathy))))) I could never judge you for this. And if I do, I really need to go back and take a good look in the mirror--because my life isn't that different from yours.
Big hugs, special one.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: Please don't judge me, please don't make me wrong for letting H stay. I know my H is a mess, I know a lot of people wouldn't put up with this kind of
Cathy, I grew up with an alcoholic father. He would drink every week and since a very young age. My mother knew of his illness but ignored it anyway when they were married. He was verbally abusive towards my mom for years. My mohter never kicked him out, made him feel guilty, yelled at him, etc....she got her point across in pretty much the same way you are doing...by detaching, by living her own life, by being there for him when he needed her/us, by showing him unconditional love, by protecting us as much as she could from him, etc.
My dad did eventually stop drinking when I was about 10. My mom went on vacation for the week and he went to the neighbors and drank all night. I had never seen him drink this much before. He left us alone all night. We were 10, 9, and 6. We took care of ourselves that night. We made breakfast in the am, cleaned up, etc. He eventually came back and saw all that we were doing. He took me, hugged me and cried. He promised me that he would NEVER do that to us again. He kept his work; he never drank again.
Point is, there's hope Cathy. Yes, you need to protect s4 and yes you need to protect yourself and yes you need to set some boundaries and yes you need to keep praying and standing by him as you are the best thing he has.
Noone will judge you. You are doing what most of us would not be able to handle. You are strong and loving and wonderful.
Minnie, Pattie, T2, UD, everybody..thank you all for your kind words.
I'm trying to put a finger on the way I'm feeling. My sitch isn't that different than anyone else's here, you are all correct except for the alcohol.
I really don't know that Al-Anon will help, maybe it will, but at this point I don't want to go somewhere and then have people telling me what it is I should do..which is what I feel will happen if I go to Al-Anon.
I feel that my sitch is worse because of the alcohol. I'm feeling that if he was having an A, is having an A that isn't as bad as his drinking? Or if there wasn't alcohol involved and the OW was gone, that I'd be where a lot of folks here are...piecing their marriages. I'm not really there yet am I. H is going through OW withdrawl, but the alcohol is needed to do that. So once he's through that, will he be strong enough to go through the alcohol withdrawl?
Today I'm having one of those why me days. I want to live my life with my son, enjoy my time, do things with my H, my family, minus the alcohol...and this may not go away.
I was thinking back to a year ago about this time, which is when H was seeing OW behind my back and drinking heavily. We're still at that point, except OW is not a secret and maybe out of the picture. We're back to where we were a year ago. I am different than I was then, much stronger, enlightened, detached, whatever, but H is still at that stage--make sense? It's like nothing's changed with my H. OMG--is this not what H said to me when he first moved out and kept blaming me for all his problems....the "nothing's changed here" and now it has tremendously...except I'm the one who changed, not H.
H made a smart ass remark this morning about something, a button pusher, and I could not take it seriously--H can no longer push my buttons. He can't and I think he knows it.
H is still stuck in the same place he was a year ago and has even said this...he just needs to fall on his head!
Or if there wasn't alcohol involved and the OW was gone, that I'd be where a lot of folks here are...piecing their marriages. I'm not really there yet am I. H is going through OW withdrawl, but the alcohol is needed to do that. So once he's through that, will he be strong enough to go through the alcohol withdrawl?