I know you're probably right. I know my friend was right when she said that questions - if answered - will only lead to more questions. That I get closure when I choose to get closure, it's not a gift he can give me.
Even I am trying to minimize his behavior in my head. Maybe it was just a broken phone and some dishes, maybe he was like TLEE, and actually wanted his M. Maybe to him, it's like I brought the hammer down and kicked him out of the house for the 2nd time. Maybe we'd still be piecing if I'd let it blow over, and it could have been addressed in counseling the next time. Maybe I was stressing him out in the final week before this happened and he gave up bc our M started to look too much like the one he left to begin with. He loved me intensely, once. Clearly, I'm in the bargaining stage of my grief today.
I am trying to remind myself of what you said earlier, about all the times H showed me how immature, tempermental, irresponsible and basically some core character holes of his. I have a list a mile long where he was NOT a good H.
Why am I struggling so hard with this then?
This is the root of my suffering, the detaching I can't seem to do. The wondering, I know I should stop, but it matters to me so much. I break down crying hearing my own questions:
"Why did you sit across the table holding my hand, telling me you were all-in, you couldn't wait to provide for us and be a good H to me? Only weeks before you did this?
"Why did you tell me the day before how lucky you were?"
"Did you plan this?"
"Why did I get the silent treatment from you after that?
Did you mean to force me into saying enough - the way you asked me on the couch, "well Z, what are you going to do about it?"
"When I was gone for work - is that when you decided you were unhappy again? I came back and you said you'd been arguing with me in your head."
"Have you started dating already? It is what you said you wanted."
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
