Where to begin?

[Dawgs]

I am trying so hard to be that lighthouse - hence the reason I never try to talk about us. It is so hard to be anything but.

I am 45 and she is 40. We have two kids, ages 5 and 3.

I am trying to keep expectations on the low to non-existent side. I really am. Its even harder when this "thaw" is seemingly apparant and she sits by me and all. Its been a month since she mentioned the D word.

I am scared to death of her not changing and proceeding with the divorce. Scared to death - so much at times, I think I need her anxiety meds. As I said in a previous post, I took a look in the mirror and didn't like what I had become - so I knew I had to change to become a better man, husband, and father. Started going to counseling, etc., and doing all the things that I used to do a long time ago. The SIL talked a little about that, too (the SIL told me that she really doesn't know which path she will take - volunteered, not info I asked for - and that she sometimes feels overwhelemed with my changes).

I fully realize that she may never come back. While I understand that, I also find myself at times almost living in a fantasy world of her coming back. I miss her terribly and this is so hard on me but I put on the good face and never let her see this. Another reason I never try to talk about us...