Something that I have noticed is that at night - after the kids are asleep - is that when she sits by me on the floor she wants a back rub (under the shirt - I know, TMI) every night now - there is no pulling away or anything resembling hesitation or unease. I know - breaking the 37...
Those "rules" are guidelines pulled directly from DR. However, they are meant to be generalities and not specific to situations. The real DB adage is "do more of what works and less of what doesn't." In that vein, she's asking for the back rub. Just keep it to what she wants and not what you want. Let her guide you, unless she's using you and you know that it won't help you detach from any outcome.
So I'd say this is fine. But this:?
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If I do slip and say anything about us, she reverts back to saying that she still doesn't know and right now things haven't changed.
This is NOT working for you. So stop doing this. You're wanting to have a temperature check, and is a clear sign that you are not working on the detachment enough. To use Cadet's lighthouse analogy, can you imagine the lighthouse asking the ships, "Are we okay? Can you come a little closer?"
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Later, after the SIL left, my wife mentioned my changing - while we were talking about her sister - and said "you can and are, now its up to me to change (remember that old childhood issues rear their head in trust, etc)." Don't know what to think on that...
Don't think about that. It falls in the category of mind reading, and won't help you in the long run.
Do more of what works, Oct. And if you're tempted to take the temperature, ask yourself, "Will this bring me closer to her?"
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
