Alpha One, Alpha All #

[alpha99]

Maybe you're right Toots. It did come across though as 'well, what's done is done and we can't change it now' sort of thing. I know feelings are liable to change though and so I'm not giving her answer much weight right now.

Thinking about this morning, as I tend to do, a few other things stood out.

* She went very quiet when I mentioned I was going out tonight. She doesn't know where I'm going or why.

* In talking about holidays, she mentioned booking next year's...and she implied she'd be going alone (with the kids). Her parents won't go away with her - they only do bingo playing, pensioner style UK coach holidays.

* However she acts, whatever she says, some signs are irrefutable. She would very clearly be affected by me meeting someone else. I don't want to right now, and I wouldn't use that as some tactic to try and win her back, but I have noticed on the few occasions we've skirted around that subject previously that it definitely does bother her. She either goes quiet, scrunches her face, or looks away when making an unconvincing statement along the lines of 'you can do what you want.' Being stopped in her tracks by 'attractive lady' saying hello this morning was another sign of this.

So, at the moment I feel good. I'm looking forward to my Italian group tonight (Non vedo l'ora andarci!).

Regarding my sitch, I guess I want to work it both ways. On the one hand I want to continue as we have recently and try and build up positive connections, get along, find agreement in things, make sure the kids aren't affected by things etc. On the other hand, and following on from Starky's statement about fear of losing a LBS, I want it to be clear that despite being nicer to each other etc, I am not waiting around for her, that I'm moving on. Stopping all pursuit is doing that to some extent. I want to maybe extend that somehow. I don't know how though. I'm certainly not going to advertise it, that would look like a sad ploy, but maybe there is something that I will do for myself that will be a clear sign that I'm not hanging on and holding out hope indefinitely.

After all the early weeks of crying etc, I still feel she has that security in the back of her mind where she feels that should she want to she could have me back anytime she liked. Bursting that little bubble would be nice. I do have opposing thoughts sometimes, and should we ever near the piecing stage, I can see myself having some serious reflection, to the point where maybe it turns out after all my longing that working on a R isn't the best option for us. Who knows? Of course right now I'm open to a potential R...but will that always be the case?