Hi Jim, V, T and RD...sorry I haven't been posting, but I am in the middle of the Colorado Mountains and WiFi is a luxury here. The resort is adorable with lots of things to do.
I am getting more tired then resting here. I played basketball with the boys yesterday, then we went for a gym session, then to three pools, lots of swimming, playing aquatic american football with the boys.
We went to visit different little cities around. It's all cowboy stuff, lots of horses, calls, dear crossing streets right in front of your car. Great mountains views with white snow on it.
Today we played tennis for two hours, great exercise. My PMA was pretty down in the morning though. The kids went to the gym and I stayed home. Was missing my idiot H. Remember so many vacations that we had our kids small and a lot of work, and now that our kids are older and doing things by themselves, then H has better things to do and is not here.
Well, the kids came back from the gym and said that there is no fun without me. I know they are very kind with me, but I also know that they enjoy my personality. I am all life, like loud music when driving, I drive pretty crazy too, almost hit a deer other day.
I can laugh about myself, everything is OK when having fun. I don't have too many rules while on vacation. I do not care about what anybody think about me. Life is just great and I am here to live it.
About H. He did text on saturday: "Pink, would be possible to see the kids tomorrow, even for a few minutes"
Again, don't get it. He did not see the kids for two weeks, I said a million times to him that it is important to me that he keeps very close contact with the kids and he text like I don't want him to see them. Transferring his guilty to me again.
Then on sunday, he goes to my church, did text that he was there. The kids did not go, so I did text him that they wouldn't be there. I did not look for him, I sat with a friend and made believe he was not there at all. He did text me at the end of the service: "The sermon was very good. Happy Easter and God Bless you. I did text him back: Happy Easter and God Bless you too.
When I got home he had already picked up the kids for breakfast. It didn't take too long and they were back. The kids said that H did not have much time to spend with them because he had something else to do. He got to the house and asked the kids to tell me he wanted to talk with me.
He was outside and asked me about the Tax return papers. I said to him that I did not have everything ready yet. 180 for me, I was always very organized, now I don't give a crap.
It was very hard. I told him that and started walking to the house. He walked with me and then I repeated myself, said that I would leave the papers on the table and if he wanted he could stop by and pick them up later and said goodbye H. Close the door behind me.
He was right there, looking at me with admiration as always. But I did, I was polite, but distant. I was respectful, but all business. I look into his eyes with love, but I was cold and short.
It killed me inside, I want to hug him and wish him a Happy Easter. H knows it is the best holiday for me, I love Easter. But I also knows that if there is any remote chance that he will ever think about the possibility of coming back to his family, it is necessary to keep him away from me.
Somehow, I was thinking that maybe he is keeping his distance from the kids lately because he is thinking about moving to France, but he did text me yesterday asking he the boys are planning to do skying and snowboarding next winter because he was buying his pass and would buy it for them too.
I said that the kids decide they want to get the pass and he said he would get it for kids and himself.
So, maybe he is not moving as he told me he had no plans on moving.
I have a lot of pain inside, I know what I need to do but I hurts a lot. Sometimes I think it is a sickness. I need to work on detaching, I still think about H a lot.
Thanks for being there for me, I really need your help.
Yes Pink. There is nothing better than a functioning family unit. I will just never understand divorce.
It's like war. Why do we do this to each other?
I'll tell you a funny story. I was living with two roommates when I was 18. My first apartment out of my parent's house. I didn't go to college...I was playing pool 12 hours a day. By night I was experimenting with LSD, practicing yoga, listening to Beatles music, journaling my dreams, meditating, reading sci-fi and philosophy and religious texts, etc. I digress, but MAN what a great year of my life!
Anyway, I got into a fight with one of my roommates. We didn't talk for like a month. I don't remember what it was about. That's kind of the point. One night I dropped some acid and I was just tranced out in the living room. He stormed through and went into his bedroom and shut the door.
I was so spaced. I was aware of the negative energy. I was conscious of the fact that there was some reason why we weren't talking. But I just couldn't conceptualize why. It's like in my state of mind there just wasn't any reason why we shouldn't be on good terms. I knocked on his door. He told me to go away. I didn't. I still vaguely remember his grumpy look when he answered the door. But it was almost like the higher spiritual part of me addressed the spiritual part of him and just said I'm sorry, I don't even understand what I screwed up, but I want to make this right. I don't remember the words, and I was probably borderline incoherent...but somehow when I came to the next day we were best friends again.
I am NOT endorsing LSD as a DB method by the way. I am just having a moment of silence for the human condition. I heard the story of Adam and Eve when I was a kid. Now I really see that we truly had the garden of eden for the taking and we took it for granted and got ourselves thrown out. None of what we do makes sense, except that somehow it's the best we can do.
I guess we just try to make a few positive changes here and there, and enjoy the views in between the destruction we bring upon ourselves. Add a dark sense of humor and a few friends on a divorce forum and pretty soon it's all good...
Goodnight.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Pink, I just wanted to say that I truly admire your GAL activities. I know you say that your PMA was down and your missing your H, but all thats normal, you know that, in spite of it all, you still charged on for your boys and I am sure that they had a blast with their mom. You are truly an inspiration Pink, and I think your interaction with your H was on point. You're awesome.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Thank you for stopping by Zues, the crossing in peoples lives are for sure a work of the universe, nothing is wasted, it is all a big design set up to make us to discover who we really are.
I am finding out I am a kind person, I have a lot of fight left in me. I like to set my goals and for a long time into my marriage I lost direction. I was living for my H and my kids, and I ask myself what about me? There is nothing too much to answer, I left myself unattended and in a way I lost my vibrant self.
Now, in this huge turmoil and pain, I am searching not for who I was, but for who I want to be moving forward. I am learning, some days are better then other, but I will not give up on myself.
Sweet T, you are always so sweet with this old lady. Yes, I am having a blast with my boys. We went to the mineral water pool 100 degrees. We played a lot, my boys are strong and tall, they toss me around like a straw. We played zombie attack and bite, we played some football, did some aquatic aerobics. I know it sounds kind of tough play, but they are boys, I just need to toughen up.
We just come back from a 2 hours trip to get some McDonald's to my S15, crazy. It's now 12:27am. Kind of scary around here, it's super dark and there is always deer in the streets.
My H was never much adventurous, he always got mad if we did this kind of stuff during our vacations together. My kids keep saying to me that they are better off without their dad around.
I wish the connection they had with him was something to treasure and to miss, but they are happy. This is something that makes me think, and I get very mixed up.
Hey Pink - good to hear from you - sounds like you've been having a good time with those lovely boys of yours. It's great that they enjoy spending QT with you!
I think you did well with H. You know that he will be in touch at some point, and he will look at you with those big (brown?) eyes. And your heart will start to melt a little. But you also know what happens next and that this is the start of the continual 'loop.' So you did well to resist that. It isn't easy.
You sound concerned that your H may consider a possible move to France. Is that mindreading on your part? I wouldn't spend time worrying about that. It's something you can't control after all my friend.
You are an inspiration Pink. So full of life, passion, fun, energy and kindness. I feel blessed to know you on these boards, and feel we are 'sisters' on this DB journey.
Keep on moving forwards lovely Pink - you've got this.....X
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Pink says she wants a loving family man (like RD) and a strong family life, she says H has never been that sort of man?
Yes V, I value family a lot. Love the fact that I have one. I have a crazy and adventurous side of me, but I believe that even that can be shared with my family.
H likes family, did many things as a family, but he lacks consistency on this. I always felt he was very selfish some times. He always put himself first.
Was he ever that family man Pink? Is this something that he never had or that he lost?
I think H tried his best, he is always worry as a good provider. But, there is a lot missing in the picture. H would never worry about homework, school stuff, sports, sickness, doctors appointments, who needs what, etc... It was always up to me to run the show.
It was always about his needs first. If he was tired, he made sure he got some rest no matter what. When he had his favorite band concert, he would never ask if I had anything to do. H's work is traveling, in many occasions he arranged some vacations by himself, doing some sightseeing and then he would come home and tell all about it to us.
I think that part of him always want to be a good family man, I just don't think he knew or know how. He always put himself first. I understand it is important to put yourself first, but I never liked his selfishness.
Why was Pink persuaded (or persuaded herself) that H had those values she says attract her?
When I met my H, I was alone for quite a while. He showed caring, he cared about me. He made me feel important. I just fell in love, and I think he did too. With time, I started realizing that he was good at what he was doing at his work, but he wouldn't disconnect from his work, even on weekends.
H was lazy, I always needed to pray a whole rosary in order to get his help around the house, even if this was kind of a man's job. It was always on me. I am not trying to play a victim here. I think it was my big mistake to take charge and have everything resolved.
But I built up a lot of resentment. I wanted to share life with him, but I was just being his secretary many, many times. I would just keep him informed of all the things I took the responsibility for. Even now for our D. He asked for but I am the one that put the papers, he asked me help to complete his paperwork.
Even with his OW, I think sometimes, how he will handle things. For now, they meet each other in hotels, where no one needs to cook, clean, pay bills, have children around, responsibilities with doctors, dentist, sports, etc. I wonder how life will be for him when he needs to face it all again.
Because it is inevitable. If you want to live with someone else, then life will hit you with all what it takes to be a family.
H decide to give up on his family, he left it all for me, does not have any shame to just let it all go to hell. I just wish that he will be hit hard and life will one day teach him to be a real man.
All what I wrote keeps me thinking if I am not better off without him. V, I am so mixed up. I love and hate my H. I miss him and I also feel good he is not there to bother me. I want him back and I don't know I can take him back into my life. I don't want to let him go but I feel I will be better off without him.
I really don't know what to feel or think anymore.
Hi Pink. Nice to hear from you. Sounds like a fantastic time with your Ss Your thoughts re H reflect a lot of how I feel. You love them but can't see a way back for them , if that's what they want one day. I think you just have to be patient with yourself and let your feelings settle. Your whole energy comes across when you post about your boys and the holiday. It's lovely to read
Take care of yourself and your kids. take care. Rd
