Why is it that when I'm detaching well, I always seem to fall off the wagon!!! Argh!
So as I said earlier this week, I spent the last 8 days battling the flu in my son and myself. My H never helped and was distant. Today the flu got him, so I took care of things with a PMA and hung out with my S while my H stayed huddled on the couch. I said nothing. Then right when it's bath time he says he's going to bed which sends my S into tears because daddy always reads a story to him. So I asked if it was possible for him to stay up 15 more minutes in order to read. He immediately gets defensive and angry and tells me I'm not supporting him.
So then I have pushed him away and I still have to deal with my S. I should have just STFU and wished him well. Sigh.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I'm doing well, for a beginner, at detaching when my H is home, but I am really struggling to go dark when I'm not with him. We've always talked to each other so I'm finding myself reaching out without thinking. Any tips?
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
So, it's been several weeks since we had money issues. This past week we have had a couple unexpected expenses which will make this pay period tight. My H says, "We don't make enough money to live". Now this is an outright exaggeration. In the past I would have just ignored the statement, but this time I said , "I can see how you would feel that way". He nodded and then was quiet. A few minutes later he got up and made nachos for us. His mood in the past would have lasted a few days. This time, with validation, he was better in 20.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
A day of ups and downs. Was feeling pretty good about validating early and its effect. But apparently I'm not detaching enough because I just saw the look in my H's eyes that I was annoying him. My s is going to the dentist tomorrow, which at 3 he's still pretty nervous about. I thought it might help him if he could show Daddy what he was going to do at the dentist. He was thrilled to show him, but it annoyed my H. I just can't seem to get this down pat. Going to bed and have a cry I think.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Don't cry, you're doing great. It really is so hard, especially where kids are concerned as you get annoyed at either doing it all yourself or the fact that they are almost punishing and pushing them away too. I sort of went cold turkey on being in touch with him in the day. We always texted while at work, but now it's nothing- it is difficult. But with time gets a little more like second nature. I find myself quite often thinking before I speak now which is a first for me, thinking what effect etc this is gonna have on the sitch. And well done on the validating! It's especially tough when you feel you are validating through gritted teeth. Hang in there
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thanks Cherry. It was a tough night for me, but feel better this morning. Almost sent a text to H this morning, but I stopped myself. Still would like any tips on how to go dark that way. I stopped myself this morning, but I'm texting or calling him without even thinking about it. I try to stop myself and ask what will it do for me, which works sometimes, but not when I do it unthinking.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Thanks Cherry. It was a tough night for me, but feel better this morning. Almost sent a text to H this morning, but I stopped myself. Still would like any tips on how to go dark that way. I stopped myself this morning, but I'm texting or calling him without even thinking about it. I try to stop myself and ask what will it do for me, which works sometimes, but not when I do it unthinking.
Get a rubber band on your wrist and before you call or text him, snap it and then see if you still want to do it!
Yea!!! For the first time since this started in October, I went dark today except to say thanks for texting me when he was coming home so that I could let the dogs out.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Yea!!! For the first time since this started in October, I went dark today except to say thanks for texting me when he was coming home so that I could let the dogs out.
