I know I'm not nuts, maybe I'm just too detached from H. Maybe I don't take it seriously, maybe I take it too lightly. I don't know, for some reason it's not that big of a deal and it's not earth shattering and I'm not losing a lot of sleep over it.
It would be great if my H didn't drink, I'm probably dreaming at this point, but I am not a drinker or I should say a light drinker. Alcohol is such a big part of the culture/state that I live in that there are few activities that I attend where alcohol is not available.
My SS was giving his Dad a hard time about his drinking and H said to his S20 that HE drinks too much!! And S20 said "I'm young, I'm supposed to drink" that's the culture/environment we live in.
H has been drinking heavily for about the last year or longer. Before then it was once a month at the most. So the heavy drinking has resulted as a part of his MLC and his unhappiness.
H doesn't like that he's getting old, that he can't do the things he used to do. H needs a distraction and that may be a boat or a new toy. Expensive as it sounds, I'd rather have him fishing all the time then drinking all the time.
Quote: don't have a way with words like so many other well respected DBers do, thus my hesitation to post to others. Although I do have days when I can be very articulate. For the most part have trouble putting thoughts to words.
You have always posted just the right words to me. You have a lot to offer; dont' seel yourself short.
Quote: the days when he won't listen, won't do what I tell him to do, throws his toys, takes something he isn't supposed to have and the chase is on...
This describes my little dd the last few days. She, too, is the sunshine in my life. I would be lost without her.
I see lots of good happening with you and your H Cathy; you're doing a wonderful job with both H and the little guy!
He doesn't tell you because of the guilt and the shame that he feels when he goes. You have already made it clear to him that you feel he has a problem. He is just starting to figure this out, but he has not completely admitted it to the point where he is ready to give it up.
This problem is like the OW, it is something that he is ashamed of letting you see because he feels as though he is being judged. Although you are not judging him, that is how he is taking it when you ask or when he has to tell you. Kind of like a teenager who is doing something that they know they should not be and won't tell their parents because they don't want to get into trouble or have to own up to it.
I think alot of those classes are supposed to help you to not be your spouse's co-dependent or something like that. Just like with the MLC, he has to hit rock bottom here too. Again, another area that calls for prayer and that is about it.
I know frustrating, but the Lord is dealing with alot with him and this is going to take him some time. I mean from the things that you have said about him and the areas that he has a hard time with, are all pretty big to him. You are going to have a whole new person when the Lord gets through with him.
I'm catching up on your thread. You've gotten some wonderful people giving you good advice. I have no first hand experience with any alcohol support groups.
Cathy, you seem to really have understanding and compassion for your H. As Betsey said, look for the right group. One you will be comfortable in.
Are you serious,woman? You don't have a way with words? Go back and read your last post! You express yourself quite well. Don't even think that again!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I feel so embarrased for my H. H was very intoxicated last night, he hasn't been this bad where he's come here in a long time and it was pathetic. I was wishing he would have went to OW's, I was wanting him to leave our house, the guy is a mess.
He's been drinking a lot more in the last couple of weeks then he ever has. I don't know how many nights he was drinking when he was living with OW, but I can't believe it's as much as now. It seems like nightly with a break here and there.
H and S4 were the same age last night, I saw it except H was drunk. Nothing bad happened, S4 isn't old enough or can see that his dad is drunk as S has no idea what that means.
H messed around with S, wanted to hug him, be near him. S didn't like all this clinglyness and really didn't know what was going on with his dad or why he was sick!!
H finally went to bed and passed out. I think he is still drunk this morning. What a fool!
I don't want S brought up with a drunk dad, I've seen what happened last night happen to SS when he was about 10 or 11 when H was very drunk. H is on the same age level as his children, he was last night with S4 and when SS was younger.
Would asking H to move out until he gets help be the thing to do? I don't want to do that, but I also don't want S to continue to see his D like this. I want to just yell at H, tell him how he acted last night, say how bad I felt for him, do I use compassion or do I get mad?
I don't know that H will even remember everything he said or did...the man's going to be 50 and he's still acting like he's 18.
I don't know that he's going to hit rock bottom anytime soon either.
I want you to understand something. You want him to quit drinking and he wants his pain to stop. If he stops drinking, his pain comes on full force. You have to give him something to help him to get through the pain and the answer you have is the Lord.
Kicking him out of your house, isn't the answer. You fought so hard to get him back and he is back. The message that you will send him is that you can not accept him and you are not there for him. Everything that you worked for and everything that you told him, you will throw out the door.
No, this is not an easy situation, but from what you described of him last night, it was the first time that all his walls were down and he was not afraid. He let himself reach out to his son without being afraid of rejection. Why? Because he couldn't feel the pain of being rejected.
You have the answer that he needs and that is the Lord. He has made alcohol his God. You need to be beinding the spirit of alcohol from him.
I can remember my mom doing something similar to my sister because she did not approve of her behavior. All that did to my sister, was make her feel judged and want to stay away from my mom. Why, because my mom wasn't reaching out to her with the Lord's unconditional love. She was reaching out to my sister with a judging kind of love. Basically telling her I love you, but not as long as you are this way. The Lord doesn't tell us that. He loves us inspite of our sins and our shortcomings.
My mom and sister spent years staying away from each other because my sister couldn't stand the feeling of being judged or looked down on. When my mom stopped doing that to her, that is when my sister started coming around and started dealing with her shortcomings because she new my mom loved her inspite of her shortcomings.
Yes, your husband drinks and it is a terrible disease, but kicking him out or anything like that is only adding to his problem. It isn't helping his problem because it doesn't give him an answer. The OW just accepted it as being a part of him. Yes, he does need to know that it is wrong and that he is killing himself while doing this, but he needs to know that he is loved inspite of it and that you are willing to help him to get through it.
I can not express to you enough the importance for you to get in that prayer closet and pray harder then you have ever prayed for this man before. You need to understand that this is a hold that satan has on him and it is a strong one and the only way that you are going to win this battle is through prayer.
You will know when you had enough. It sure does effect the children and confuses them on how they should act with themselves. They see a parent acting like that and feel they can do the same themselves.
From my experience, they have to reach bottom in order for them to see what they are doing to not only themselves but others around them. Right now your H is in the "how it effects himself mode" Nothing else matters. Yes he may be depressed but alcohol on top of that is not helping but making it worse. Yes they have a teenage mentality and after a while hold on to that mentality whether drunk or sobor. They never can hold their own responsibility well.
It took mine going to jail for a while to wake up. Yes, I still have problems with his acting like a child but its hard to adjust their behaviors when they are not drinking. Yes mine has drank for a long time. Part of his problem was remembering when his dad drank and came home drunk slamming doors and yelling. And YES I am sure if he didn't go to jail he still would be sneaking drinks and not stopping. I wouldn't allow the drinks in the house. So he would hide them.
This is when you draw the lines and make boundaries. You should read up on some of that stuff. Its not easy but telling him to leave nicely and that you had enough could be the point he has to live with himself. But then again they usually run to another which never would last because they can't put up with it either.
Getting mad or yelling only makes them worse. They tend to slip up when drinking such as a dui or worse causing fights with others. Then it will effect his job which I see he still goes to but when they get into trouble is when it effects the job.
Make sure its what you want to do and that what you tell him you will go through with. You are handling it much better then I could. I was so frustrated with mine I didn't know who I was at that time. I was also codependent on him for alot of things since I didn't have a car nor a job.
Your H truly needs a wake up call and needs to be there to help raise your son. He needs to help out with some of the work not just play and leave it on you. It will only make you resentful as time goes on. Maybe making him more responsible or telling him this or that needs to be done may help encourage him to be included. Each one is different in their own ways. Since yours hasn't drank for as long as mine it maybe temporary. But sniping it in the bud and trying different things till you exhausted it all may make you feel sure in a decision.
I wish you luck cause its a hard thing to live with. You have what it takes and let alot slide by trying to be a partner rather then a mother to him. Just don't enable him. Enable meaning don't make it easy to get out of the things that are effected by his drinking. Let him get himself out of his own messes.
Hard to make decisions and you have to look at everyone involved. But, I have to agree 100% with vinlad;
Quote: Kicking him out of your house, isn't the answer. You fought so hard to get him back and he is back. The message that you will send him is that you can not accept him and you are not there for him. Everything that you worked for and everything that you told him, you will throw out the door.
Plus the fact that your son will be confused about what is going on and the insecurity of his father leaving again. Is your H physically abusive? If not, I don't see a reason to throw him out yet.
I know this is hard cathy, I feel for you! But you are a great lady and you have the strength inside you to endure this. Pray. but know if you can't take it anymore, than asking him to leave may be your answer, only you know when enough is enough.
I feel like I AM fighting Satan this morning, like I am being pulled two different ways, I AM struggling.
Quote: He let himself reach out to his son without being afraid of rejection. Why? Because he couldn't feel the pain of being rejected.
I'm going to tell you what happened. H was messing around with our S, picking him up, hugging him, trying to love him, being loving towards him. At one point S was getting irritated and wanted to be put down, left alone. S told H that he didn't want him in the house. Which S does say to H at different times. H teases S and gives S a hard time and S just says this stuff. So what does H do, H goes into our bedrom starts taking things out of his drawers and putting them into a laundry basket. I ask H what he's doing and he says leaving! I said why? H said "becuase S doesn't want me here" so S hears this and confirms that he doesn't want him there and comes in by me in the living room. Which is where I went, if H was going to leave I wasn't going to stop him, well I would have becuase he was that drunk. S then decides he doesn't want H to leave and goes back into the bedroom and tells H not leave..well it was like two 4 year olds. Son did get distracted by a turkey call he found. But H's stuff is exactly where he left it all on the floor. So this was pathetic and was just awful. So when this stuff happens I worry about the affect on S4..he's young and like I said doesn't know what is wrong with H or that anything is wrong with H.
Quote: Yes, your husband drinks and it is a terrible disease, but kicking him out or anything like that is only adding to his problem. It isn't helping his problem because it doesn't give him an answer. The OW just accepted it as being a part of him. Yes, he does need to know that it is wrong and that he is killing himself while doing this, but he needs to know that he is loved inspite of it and that you are willing to help him to get through it.
I'm not kicking him out, I'm not going to yell, I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing, unconditional love. Something inside of me is not letting me give up, not letting Satan win! I think this is what the battle is all about and I feel like I am the only one fighting, believing that H can get through this..maybe not.
When I first met H I accepted his drinking as part of who he was, I was blind to H's problems. I was codependent. I am no longer that way, I have worked through all of that and can no step back and observe H and feel sorry for H becuase he trys so hard to make me feel bad about things that are wrong in his life and they no longer affect me that way. It is so clearly H's problem and has been all along. I am a different person than I was a year ago today, that is for sure!! This innner peace that I've found is just keeping me going and I am learning something every day.
H didn't go to OW last night, something brought him home to me and S. Up until last night OW's would have been where he went but he came home in his messed up condition. I think he was brought home as a lesson for me, to show me that I can be detached from H's drama, worlds, problems...but still be there for H.
Quote: I can not express to you enough the importance for you to get in that prayer closet and pray harder then you have ever prayed for this man before. You need to understand that this is a hold that satan has on him and it is a strong one and the only way that you are going to win this battle is through prayer.
This is what I did last night once my S4 and Teenager-H were asleep and will continue to pray.
I also found "A Stander's Affirmation" and have that on my desk this morning.
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
Please don't judge me, please don't make me wrong for letting H stay. I know my H is a mess, I know a lot of people wouldn't put up with this kind of crapp. I wanted to kick the cra## out of H last night. I wanted H do just go away!!! Thankfully he went to sleep/passed out.
This innner peace that I've found is just keeping me going and I am learning something every day.