TLEE86. Part III

[bravo61]

Go and have a good time man. Smile real big when you see her. I guarantee that will throw her off but she'll pick up the cue from you. Model the behavior you want to see.

[MCS]

TLEE,

Just checking in seeing how the meeting went. just thinking about you and hopefully everything is going well

[Vanilla]

Z- I am so sorry to find you back in this forum but I am glad you are writing. Few thoughts of mine because this post of yours really made me reflect. I'll be honest, I didnt have time to read all 9 pages of it but here we go. You've read my thread and how I was, and maybe I can shed some light for you on this after 6months separation, 9months of reflecting (while I was in school). This isn't a highjack or a...lets talk about T post, but hopefully it helps understand his behavior.

-H threw an broke your phone- I've done that at least twice
-H stood in your path and blocked your way out- Ive done that more times than I can count
-H was overbearing stood over you- Done it
-H screamed bloody murder and somehow it was your fault that the bowls were broken- Been there

Now I never threw things at my W, but as you can see I've done more than my share of what will be considered abusive, whether its physically hitting someone or not, its all the same.

Now I have asked myself WHY would I do that, to the one person that I love the most in the entire world. And I have asked myself over and over and over and over again until I am so tired of thinking about it and then it starts again. I never figured it out until this separation. I started thinking about it in Ranger School, vowed to never do that again, and when W left, i thought some more. Here's what I came up with,

I was and still am very insecure about certain things- less so now than before. I wasn't happy with who I was, with my work, how I was viewed by other people. Before I got my Ranger Tab, I was extremely insecure, it was a chip on my shoulder that I did NOT have because everyone else had it- so I was viewed very differently. I felt judged and insecure. It didnt help that my W is 24, blonde, and just beautiful and life of the party. I felt that people liked her company more than me, and these are my friends. My whole life became very...insecure and i was very anxious when we went places, because i knew the attention was on her and not me, and I was unhappy at work because of the whole Ranger thing. So i took everything out on my W. She was the only thing in my "control" that I could feel better about myself with. So i took her for granted and "abused" her. And you know the rest.

Something deep down in your H, he is missing something in himself, not in you. When he gets angry, just like I got angry, its really not entirely because of you. What triggers the anger is, but the escalation of the anger is not you. It is something that he has to find out what is causing it. For me, it was the insecurities at work and with my own W. Idk what your H's is but until he finds it, that anger will always be there. Maybe its because he finally realizes that Z is awesome, and that he is unhappy with how he has been to you and what his life is like. Maybe its because he's pissed off about how he is treated at work, or how things aren't going well in the separation and he cant figure out why. Maybe he cant swallow his pride enough to come home yet. Who knows, it can be anything.

But you can seriously do nothing about it. It took me at least a good 5 months to figure out that I was verbally abusive because I had so many fears and concerns about ME, NONE of which had to do with my W at all. I wish I never did those things. Your H will learn the same.

I don't have much advice, but to seriously give him the time and space to think about what he did. Every time I did those things, even while doing it, I knew it was wrong. But i brushed it off, and so did W, and we never addressed them. Now separated, I know that it was horribly wrong and it pains me to say it, but, I can see why she left. Let him seriously dwell on the awfulness of what he did. Really give him time to think.

Not sure if that helps, sorry it was so long, but Ive done everything your H did and more possibly, and thats how I view it, 6 months into separation. Have a good weekend Z

This is a very brave post TLee and it says everything you need to say to W.

That you are so unhappy about the past abuse and whether she is in an M with you or not, that you do not want this in your life ever again. You understand and validate her feelings.

Keep it short, it is a work in progress. And WW chose to have an OM that is a poor choice too and no reason why you should fund it!

V

[Zelda09]

Dear TLEE,

Wishing you all the best with this. Post soon.

[TLEE86]

C, Bravo, MCS, Z and V- Thank you all so much for checking in, it is always a welcome site to see people reading through your thread so thank you.

V- I posted that on Z's thread because I felt like it would hopefully shed some light onto her sitch and maybe her H's actions. I did tell W alot of those things, and it worked well, I think.
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So, alot was said obviously over the course of 2 days when I saw W, actually just left, sitting at the airport now. Ill try and sum it up, bullet point style.

- W and I actually talked about reconnecting and getting back together, first time since S.

- W understands that if we did get back together it wouldn't be a jump back in bed and honeymoon stage all over again, she said if we did, she wants to make sure the changes are real and here to stay so that we don't go through this again

- W acknowledges that she did not put her whole effort into the M, and that she "took the easy way out"

- W said she is not filing right now because just like me, she wants to know that she gave it everything she had before she calls it quits

- I told her several times that I know i'll never let it get to this point again, because i never wanna feel the way i feel right now, and that she will remain a priority over work

- She actually denied taking the tax return $ we got, because she says, I've done more than anyone else ever would have for her
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There is a formal ball happening at the end of the month, and I asked her to it. She is thinking about it and long story short, might end up driving to TX with me and staying there (maybe). But no definite answer right now

My fear? She is ALWAYS like this when we are together, crying, sad, etc etc. And when I leave, she goes back into fantasy land. Idk if this time will actually be different, since we talked about reconnecting. Its hard to not let my hopes get up, but we will see what happens in a couple weeks. At this point, Id probably take her just going to the ball and seeing what happens from there. I feel like were close, but who knows, it could all be nothing.

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update, TLEE86. It's nice to see both that she seems to be leaning towards you and that you keep a cool mind about it, based on experience.

She says that she wants to make sure that your changes are real. Are they? I've no reason to doubt it, but I ask myself constantly whether I'd revert to be the pre-BD person after a few months or a couple of years. You said something really nice on Zelda's thread about finding the source of your anger inside of you, not with her. Still, keep in mind that being with her will expose you to many triggers. For instance, we can tell that you're upset she's so flaky and indecisive. Anyone would be, it's just a matter of how you react. At first, you might have the patience of an angle, but nine months from now, if she keeps on pushing these buttons?

I hope I'm clear. It's all about taking a little distance from our strong desire to R and our current conviction that we have changed, and wonder what will make these changes stick, what will make us trust ourselves so that our W can trust us.

[MCS]

TLEE,

Don't become a flopping fish. You've been in this spot before and we all don't want to see you hurt again.

However, it sounds promising. Time to do some HW. What is it that you need from HER to come back into the M? What things are you looking for her to change?

Did you get any "I'm sorry..I shouldn't have had A...etc?" Remember, there must be genuine remorse not on the sitch, but on what WW did.

I think if things continue to soften. Its time for MC, look around for some. How about Chaplain (diatribe, but a friend had the Navy Chaplain lay out what he was sacrificing with the A and it was enough for him to go back to W and R)

Its time to show TLEE 2.0.

[Vanilla]

WW has to have the same attitude to change and apology on her A as you have on your changes TLee. Cool and detatched on WW and back together. As they say you may only get one good chance at this, and getting back together too soon may be a spoiler. Starsky is a good guide at that point as you are best aware.

MC is a waste if WW is still in an A or addicted in my view.

V

[TLEE86]

Mozza- You bring up some really good points. Yes I believe 100% these changes are real. 9 months from now, God willing we get back together, I will never forget this feeling of pain that I never want to feel again. Yes, she will most definitely piss me the [censored] off. But I can get angry, but not so angry to the point where I start saying things I don't mean and I will regret. No low blows. I am continuing to address my anger issues.

V and MCS- You both talk about WW having remorse or regret for her actions. No, she has not said these things. She has hinted around it, recognized her own faults in the M and no longer blames me completely, and recognizes she took the easy way out. But she continues to insist that nothing is going on with her and OM. Not really sure what to say about this when she is convinced (at least when she talks to me) that nothing is going on so what is she sorry about besides knowing she could have done things different between us? But this is why I feel she is still conflicted about coming home. She is getting closer, but she's not there, so she's not completely owning her actions now.
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Im back home now and I'm frustrated as usual. Frustrated because now that Im home, things are back to where they were before we saw each other, she's back in fantasy land, though she texts and says she's had a rough morning thinking about things.

This job opportunity that is waiting for her down here in TX expires mid May, she knows this. So its a natural timeline for her to make up her mind about things soon.

I feel that when were together, she is open to things starting again, but when were apart, Im not there to let her put a face to words, I'm just a voice on the phone. Yet OM is always there. What chance do i have. Sandi once said this early on, that you don't compete with OM, its not a competition. But seriously, we don't see each other enough to have her miss our interactions.

She's supposed to think about things and hopefully in a few weeks come up with something. I think were all thinking the same thing- she wont decide crap and we'll still be in this same boat.

[Ggrass]

Connection is nothing about proximity and everything about how people feel.

Many people have family in other countries and when they pass or die, they can still have as Big a connection as those who live next door.

So don't worry. The om won't do things the way you do nor have the same connection each r is different.