I thought everything was okay....(Part 5)

[MCS]

Thanks everyone. You guys really got me thinking and as I'm reading, I see myself trying to justify what I was doing. Basically, she asked what we were doing for taxes at MC (mediation), go together and file however the tax prep suggested. We agreed on an approach and then she changed it. I guess that's what got me into the do-loop of trying to convince her to reconsider.

Onward, I guess. She said she was going to cancel MC (mediation.) I'm not going to try and convince her otherwise, but I'm at the point that I'm going to make decisions based on how we are communicating now. I read your post Mozza and while not at the point that I've fully accepted that R is not in the cards, I see that I'm okay (myself) not R. I'm still struggling with reconciling in my head what is best approach for my kids. I 'feel' like something is just pushing me to be patient with the sitch. However, I'm not sure if that's me trying to justify my stubbornness of not moving on or its in the cards of the fate of the situation.

I see that I'm not emotional about a lot of these things which is different than before. However, I was at my childhood home over the weekend and had a bunch of emotions come back. I was at my childhood church where we also got married at and the Easter sermon was about how to have hope when we are at the lowest point (referencing when the tomb was empty before they realized that He had risen) this got me thinking and then the pastor referenced troubles in our lives and said "if your marriage is in trouble. Keep hope that the plan is already in place." Well, that one hit me.

My mom keeps telling me that I'm being too tough on myself overanalyzing my missteps and second guessing myself. I see that with the whole tax things, instead of beating myself up, I now see that as a learning experience mostly. I guess I'm finally starting to detach.

So, my next thing is "What does it look like focusing on MCS?" I'm actually comfortable with my life other than the sitch. I'm happy with myself, my relationship with my kids, my focus at work is back, etc. I feel I'm missing companionship, intimacy, and just someone to talk to about work, my day, etc. I'm not quite sure how to fill that void, I don't think it's dating, but I also feel like my friends have been super supportive but I can't lean on them to totally fulfill these things. Especially because now I find we are in different phases of our lives. I guess the good ole GAL is where I need to focus.

Like I said, I'm struggling with what I'm being called to do/act, how 'I' want to act and how to loosen up and go beyond my comfort zone. So the confusion is there, but it feels like it's in a much healthier position than I've been over the last couple months. Just some stuff for me to think about.