...and another WAS

[MrBond]

"To answer my own question, I think the answer is Yes. Let her go. There is nothing to do now. "

Actually there's alot to do. GAL isn't one of them. You can start learning about how to treat and communicate with women in a respectable manner. You learn not to call her a pig or any other derogatory titles. As it outlines in the books, you can write out your list of problems that you caused in the marriage and next to them, write out the list of solutions on how you are correcting them. You learn how to get rid of the ego so that when chances of you meeting with her arise, you know what to do.

You learn and you grow. That's what you do.

[Pyrite]

cool - but never actually called her a pig before she left me. not that it matters a great deal. just dont want to give you the wrong impression.

[MrBond]

"cool - but never actually called her a pig before she left me. not that it matters a great deal. just dont want to give you the wrong impression."

Again, you just can't seem to stop making it seem like it's not all that bad. That's a constant sign of you not taking responsibility for it.

[TenBook]

Hi Pyrite.

I took some quotes of yours below. Also, your writing style has a "tone" to it using impressive wording and a lecture like grammar.

I don't know you but your posts sound painfully familiar to me both in tone and judgement. It was very hard for me to go through all of your writings. It took humiliation, abandonment, and pain for me to realize what I was and to see through the abuse of my "truths" and "justifications". I'm still a long way from changing and I see it as a life long thing.

..............


the marriage was in trouble due to the pressure of a young family and having NO time for our R.

Mainly because “my” issues were not the only thing that needed addressing.

For the first 2 weeks following her ending the marriage I didn't even defend myself. I just absorbed everything she threw at me and fought to stop her destroying the family.

I’ve had to organize everything since the separation.

To be critical, I was "mentor". I was 10 years, older, wise, worldly, way more than average life experience and now/then very highly educated

She was young and naaive.

She admits she is a domestic pig

One day on the way home from work I heard a lecture from a psychologist doing a public lecture tour. One main point in his lecture was that the most imortant relationship in a family is that between H and W. Everything else falls into place. I couldn't wait to get home and tell my wife in detail. This was like finding gold. Exactly what I needed.

which MUST change. 2 biggest problems. 1. she left 2. she neglected me and our R.

I did push my own agenda to some degree, but really no more than anyone does.

She was a pig, she’ll admit that. She was a young 20. I was an old 30

Several years ago while I was immersed in my PhD

I have no patience with her.

i ended up back at Uni when I was 27. I had already risen to more or less the height of another career. from there on it was pretty much about repeating more of the same. The ego stroking was becoming mundane. I decided on the banks of the Ganges, 4500 Metres in he Himalayas that i wanted to be a physicist. I was dux of my class every year. I easily won a scholarship to do a PhD. I collaborated with people from Harvard, Princeton, Caltech. My ego was loving it. Rationally I made the decision to pursue the family root. But my ego was screwed and it has been getting worse ever since.

[Pyrite]

not taking responsibility for it? hmmmm. that is simply untrue. I do take responsibilty for my actions in the marriage that led to my wife leaving. I can see how you consider it part of the same mentality that leads to issuing degrading remarks about her, but i dont think that is quite right Mr Bond. She also had an inspirational aptitude for music etc. That is just a fact. Not a reflection of respect. She was domestically challenged, again a fact. Not a reflection of disrespect. Included in my abrupt story to portray the day to day reality of life.

[Pyrite]

Hi Pyrite.
I took some quotes of yours below. Also, your writing style has a "tone" to it using impressive wording and a lecture like grammar.

I don't know you but your posts sound painfully familiar to me both in tone and judgement. It was very hard for me to go through all of your writings. It took humiliation, abandonment, and pain for me to realize what I was and to see through the abuse of my "truths" and "justifications". I'm still a long way from changing and I see it as a life long thing.

sorry, I'm not sure what your intention is. Granted there is a "tone" in what i have written. I am aware of that. There are also different tones in different responses to different audiences. That is true of everyone.

For the last decade everything I have written, which is quite a bit actually, is either scientific/technical literature or lecture material - so it is hardly surprising, and hence the abrupt tone I guess is pushed.

[SunnyB]

Pyrite, I've met you before. Guys like you show up on the board on a regular basis. And Mr. Bond and others try to pull out the mirror, try to show you a true reflection of yourselves. Some of you get angry and leave. Some of you get defensive and ask the Wise Ones to stop posting on their threads. A few of you actually listen and make the changes. I admire those guys a great deal.

Pyrite, we all care about each other here, and everything posted is with the best of intentions, but sometimes it's hard to hear. I urge you to set aside your pride and your ego and listen. You have nothing to lose. Relax, slow down, use your considerable brain power to reflect. You have everything to gain.

[Cadet]

Pyrite, I've met you before. Guys like you show up on the board on a regular basis. And Mr. Bond and others try to pull out the mirror, try to show you a true reflection of yourselves. Some of you get angry and leave. Some of you get defensive and ask the Wise Ones to stop posting on their threads. A few of you actually listen and make the changes. I admire those guys a great deal.

Pyrite, we all care about each other here, and everything posted is with the best of intentions, but sometimes it's hard to hear. I urge you to set aside your pride and your ego and listen. You have nothing to lose. Relax, slow down, use your considerable brain power to reflect. You have everything to gain.

Another words DB101 = Have a Beginners Mind!

[Pyrite]

i respect Mr Bonds criticism on most points and certainly recognise him as far wiser than I. I dont disagree with most of what he has said at all or anyone else that has helped point out my faults. I feel very sheepish actually. I honestly do want to work on these for the right reasons, although I still do harbour hope that my W will come back. (i.e. so not entirely just for my own sake)


I am only pointing out that I don't think this fits in with the main conclusion, which is indeed correct, I have been a prick. I value Mr Bond's criticisms much more than someone who simply agrees with me.

But anyway, thank you for your concern. I am not insulted at all, nor doubt the intent.

[Pyrite]

anyway, I have real news.

My W's mother came to visit this afternoon. In the 1st few weeks after BD, my W went away on business for a week. My mother-in-law was my best friend that week. Both she and my W's father were also frantic. They couldn't talk to their daughter at all. She just shut them down if they dared mention the marriage. I think my wife was so angry because of the guilt, and I was just prolonging it, by "begging".

My mother-in-law is more in the dark than what I am generally. I have to fill her in on the status of custody negotiation etc. She wants us to get back together etc but is equally as powerless. She noted that I have calmed dramatically since those early days. I am probably guilty of breaking 1 of the 37 rules but I told her that I hope to deal with my issues for the sake of my own fututre, I would still like that to be with my W, but I dont hold much hope of that.

I also told her that I am sick of pushing to keep the mortgage on track etc. I won't let the bank foreclose, or the electricity get cut off, BUT I am not going to remind her either. Also, I'm going let her propose away at the next custody mediation session. So far my proposals haven't even been responded to. I am happy to default to enrolling in a school local to here if things are allowed to lapse (and really there is only a few months to organise any re-location).

Finally, I told her I am not going initiate a divorce.

Have I wrongly shown my cards here?