Hi Jim, V, T and RD...sorry I haven't been posting, but I am in the middle of the Colorado Mountains and WiFi is a luxury here. The resort is adorable with lots of things to do.
I am getting more tired then resting here. I played basketball with the boys yesterday, then we went for a gym session, then to three pools, lots of swimming, playing aquatic american football with the boys.
We went to visit different little cities around. It's all cowboy stuff, lots of horses, calls, dear crossing streets right in front of your car. Great mountains views with white snow on it.
Today we played tennis for two hours, great exercise. My PMA was pretty down in the morning though. The kids went to the gym and I stayed home. Was missing my idiot H. Remember so many vacations that we had our kids small and a lot of work, and now that our kids are older and doing things by themselves, then H has better things to do and is not here.
Well, the kids came back from the gym and said that there is no fun without me. I know they are very kind with me, but I also know that they enjoy my personality. I am all life, like loud music when driving, I drive pretty crazy too, almost hit a deer other day.
I can laugh about myself, everything is OK when having fun. I don't have too many rules while on vacation. I do not care about what anybody think about me. Life is just great and I am here to live it.
About H. He did text on saturday: "Pink, would be possible to see the kids tomorrow, even for a few minutes"
Again, don't get it. He did not see the kids for two weeks, I said a million times to him that it is important to me that he keeps very close contact with the kids and he text like I don't want him to see them. Transferring his guilty to me again.
Then on sunday, he goes to my church, did text that he was there. The kids did not go, so I did text him that they wouldn't be there. I did not look for him, I sat with a friend and made believe he was not there at all. He did text me at the end of the service: "The sermon was very good. Happy Easter and God Bless you. I did text him back: Happy Easter and God Bless you too.
When I got home he had already picked up the kids for breakfast. It didn't take too long and they were back. The kids said that H did not have much time to spend with them because he had something else to do. He got to the house and asked the kids to tell me he wanted to talk with me.
He was outside and asked me about the Tax return papers. I said to him that I did not have everything ready yet. 180 for me, I was always very organized, now I don't give a crap.
It was very hard. I told him that and started walking to the house. He walked with me and then I repeated myself, said that I would leave the papers on the table and if he wanted he could stop by and pick them up later and said goodbye H. Close the door behind me.
He was right there, looking at me with admiration as always. But I did, I was polite, but distant. I was respectful, but all business. I look into his eyes with love, but I was cold and short.
It killed me inside, I want to hug him and wish him a Happy Easter. H knows it is the best holiday for me, I love Easter. But I also knows that if there is any remote chance that he will ever think about the possibility of coming back to his family, it is necessary to keep him away from me.
Somehow, I was thinking that maybe he is keeping his distance from the kids lately because he is thinking about moving to France, but he did text me yesterday asking he the boys are planning to do skying and snowboarding next winter because he was buying his pass and would buy it for them too.
I said that the kids decide they want to get the pass and he said he would get it for kids and himself.
So, maybe he is not moving as he told me he had no plans on moving.
I have a lot of pain inside, I know what I need to do but I hurts a lot. Sometimes I think it is a sickness. I need to work on detaching, I still think about H a lot.
Thanks for being there for me, I really need your help.
