Complex #7 - the green(-card) mile

[Complex]

The right balance. The thing that I always have issues with.

I actually do think I'm somewhere in the middle. I have to really observe myself WHY I do things. And also look out for when we talk, how much I try to put myself in a good light to "show off what a good catch I actually am". Maybe I shouldn't talk about any of my achievements whatsoever. I have the urge to tell W what I am doing/what I did sometimes. Have to hold it back. She will figure it out eventually.
I just can't control what she is thinking. The picture she has of me is branded in her brain right now.
It's easy to know what picture W has of me, she told me repeatedly:
I'm a great person with a big heart, I have great potential. We just don't fit together, we are not compatible. I am not the person she imagined marrying in the first place.
I repeat myself with this too: she is right. There IS this almost unsolvable "stubborn tension" between us that was only possible to overcome with being in love in the lovy dovey phase. Once that was over the existing problem surfaced and became a real one. I'm aware of it. Just think it's something worth working on..obviously.
At the moment I feel I'm doing a lot of things right, present myself much stronger and I'm also just trying to be myself, not force anything and I just do my own thing. A weird dynamic still remains. But I mean hey, we live together under these circumstances. Not quiet perfect at the moment.

So I just have to be careful and ask myself WHY I do things.
On the other hand the reason why we are S is because she felt spiritually neglected for a while. So I figured it is beneficial to give her a feeling of being understood. Which very quickly can become too friendly and or look like persuasion. Conplicated! Complex^^