Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

What would solution oriented look like here? Solution to make a H that never really wanted to be here - want to be here, through DR?

Thank you, Complex. I'm sorry about your anniversary, it must have been tough being with your W' family, no?

What I said to my H in that text exchange...idk, I hadn't said any of it to him at all before then. Just nodded that we could go our separate ways when he was so smug after confrontation. I wanted him to know that I saw him, 'for real' this time without the mask. I wanted him to hear how I felt about it all. Not to steer an outcome, not because he cares particularly, but because I wanted to say it.

V, I think I am protected financially. We have no joint accounts and I doubt he really wants anything but to walk away. If in a few weeks time, maybe a couple months...perhaps I will feel like bringing us across the finish line. I don't know.

The letter of intent is a good idea. I suppose he could type, sign, have witnesses. I plan to see what he presents to me in terms of his stab at our D paperwork.

I have altered this slightly, but here is a letter he wrote me during our S when I asked him to tell me what he was so angry about. I thanked and validated. I read it now, and I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to make out of anything. I have put my current responses in parentheses. They are very far from the validated ones and very bitter.

:

"I feel anger about a lot of things. Going along in this relationship going on faith that you would be there for me. (Food, concerts, clothing, checking in with you 10x a day while I was at work, doing whatever you wanted to do and being a nurse for a year wasn't there for you?)

You would like spending time doing things I wanted to do, be interested in me. (I got you things you said you wanted for your hobbies that you never used, asked you to work on projects together you'd agree to, that I thought you'd like and you ignored me. Were you interested in you? As far as I could tell you liked to be entertained, distracted, or volunteering to help other people with their problems/creating drama.)

I am angry that all these things that we were dealing with my case/injury/accident never got the attention they deserved all along the way. (That is b.s. I took weeks off of work to run around hospitals and check rehab facilities out for you. You wouldn't even reach out to your lawyer or docs to resolve anything and I usually ended up making first contact. I researched hip replacements and knee replacements and all the latest surgeries bc you weren't interested and didn't want to look at it, just wanted to be angry that you were sure you were getting bottom of the barrel care. I took off work to be at every appointment until the day we got into a fight on the way over, you exploded disporportionately (bc of an unrelated comment I made) and you banned me from being part of anything last year.)

I am angry I am too far along now in my case to switch my lawyer and we seem to hate each other. (You switched your lawyer already because you hated/mistrusted that one, too. You have insulted him, assumed the worst, and refuse to do anything to mend the r even tho he has paid out of his own pocket for your psych care bc he is concerned.)

I am angry you weren't interested in me getting meds for depression when I first had the chance, two years ago. (I was wary, fine. I had no right to interject my opinion. But as far as I can tell your meds have made you crazier, which was what I was afraid of all along.)

I am angry all we seem to do is fight when all I wanted to do is not fight. (Seriously?! You escalate things and punch below the belt verbally, threaten our R at the drop of a hat, always have, and end up screaming and antagonizing and throwing things when I haven't even raised my voice.)

I am frustrated you are worried about emotionally cheating when you aren't able to listen to me. (Guilty as charged. I was not a great listener. And I did worry about all the POW you sought and the way you and your ex never let each other go and she was in the middle of us, always.)

I tried to support your decisions in whatever you wanted to do and I feel like I am on my own for so much. (You were incredibly supportive on the fluffy stuff, H, just not on anything I asked your help with around the house or that actually mattered to me.)

When I wanted to talk about my lwayer at 2am, I got an angry response. (I sleep 5 hours a night if I'm lucky and you woke me up to tell me that he's conspiring against you with the ins co. Yeah, not cool.)

I am angry in you just blowing up instead of us talking about stuff. (Actually, every time I tried to start a conversation about family, your plans for work in the future, finances - you blew up. You had to push me a lot before you saw 'screaming banshee')

I am mad that you weren't interested in my being finacially squeezed to the edge and that was fine but the second you get close to that it is all my fault for not making enough. (Are you delusional? I was intensely interested in you being able to not cover your bills because I was supporting you. How did you not see that connection?)

You reminding me how shitting I am for not contributing more to the 401k. The guilt I felt for not being able to buy you gifts for holidays. (Whatever. You could have thanked me for what I did. That would have meant something. You could have not made comments about 'but you LIKE work' when I was exhausted to the point of tears. You could have made me something, written out a card once in a while, that would have been fine. Anything.)

I was always frustrated you were never comfortable cuddling up together. (WHAT? So not true.)

I hate that you go thought my email and phone calls before and especially after we were married. (Nope, didn't happen after we married, I just saw the phone bill the day after you told me what would it look like to me if you found someone else.)

I was constantly giving in to the things you wanted because I had faith in our ability to handle it, even if we didn't have the ability to talk about it fully. I am sure we both never felt fully accepted with each other but to feel alone when we are together is just too much. (Then maybe you could have tried to communicate instead of acting like an angry sulking teenager, flipping me off when I went to you asking you to talk to me about what was bothering you. Instead you turned to your ex and any other POW that would listen to you tell them how your wife hated you.)

I am a lonely mess and cannot accurately tell you if the above stuff is even accurate. (You know this is twisted.)

I am sorry I couldn't convince you I found you beautiful. I am sorry I couldn't provide for you more financially. I am sorry I am not the leader you are looking for. I hope you understand how much more happiness there is out there for you. (Yet, as soon as you could provide, and had the opportunity to step up, make me feel loved - even after telling the counselors how loving I'd been since you returned - you raged at me for a comment I made about an errand you didn't do, ignored me, stole money out of my account and asked me, "well, what do YOU want to do about it?")

So - what is solution oriented at this point? What am I hoping for? The man I knew in 2009 to come back to me? To DR until I inspire that in him? My counselor told me I couldn't 'fix' him, I can't 'fix' our R if he's not interested. My friend at lunch today asked me if I honestly thought he was ever into our M? It might have been hurtful from anyone else, but the accident didn't start this - he was always on the fence about us, blaming me for everything. I guess, even from the outside, he looked like a man being dragged along. Maybe he loved me. Who knows.