I must also confess all my wrong doings to someone. I have started with some family and friends, but need to do it here too.
A few months back, I was hit on by a very good friends W. We exchanged numerous sexual texts, and a few photos. It never led anywhere other than that, but she couldn't habdke the guilt. She finally told her H and my W, all that had happened. I regret it, I was in the fog, and look back going how could I. But it was easy, quick fix, not so quick problem. I literally fixated on her for over a month. When the news broke to my wife, that was it I think. We were doing ok, and then bam, but even then, I know the odds were long.
The whole time we were back, I had gotten back into porn surfing, and masturbation. I wasn't able to control my sexual feelings, and not able to act upon them. It has been over 2 years since I have touched a woman, and it will be even longer for it to happen again. My addiction has caused me to lose sight of my morals and what I truly value.
Not but a day after her telling me that she didn't find me attractive and disn't want to touch me,I flirted with another woman over FB, and got busted with that. I seriously have no control over my emotions and what they make my decisions do. But I can't live like that. All I'm trying to do is live in a fantasy, where I get all my desires fulfilled, it's just not a healthy way to live.
I can say, I do love my wife, I do want to be with her, but right now, I can't even love myself. I am disgusted, and need to let her live the life she needs right now. In my mind I still think I have a [censored] at happiness with her. But in order to get there, I have to be over the porn, over my confidence issues, and in a better place for me. I really just want to be happy and live again. When I snooped on her over the weekend, I realized I am more jealous of her having a good time, and me just sitting at home. And that's just not right. I have to live through me, and do what I want. What she does is of nothing to me right now. If I'm lucky I come out the other side of this with a new lease on life. I just hav me to understand that it's not going to be with her, or anyone else for a while. Thanks for listening.
