If I type something insane, it's because I forgot my glasses and had to swing by Walgreens for a pair of readers that don't exactly work the same way. (My keyboard looks like it's tilted downward - WTF?)
Anyway.
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Does it ever stop feeling unnatural? Gah!
No. My kids are 21 and 18, and I've never felt good about it. It did get better when my D21 left for college. For some reason, it hit a reset button for me and gave me a little more perspective. Your role as a mom will change, but your title? Nope.
Like you, my XH deferred to me and then resented me too. I can't stop him from how he interacts with me, but I'll share what has helped somewhat in how I interact with him. When he says, "whatever you want to do" I say back, "If I were hit by a bus tomorrow, what would YOU do? I'm asking for YOUR opinion." It's made for a much better co-parenting experience.
I will tell you that this process was a lifesaver for me when my now D21 was 16-17 and we were barely speaking to each other. (BTW, that period lasted until she left for college.) It seemed as though we just couldn't get on the same page. While we were having a rough time, her dad had the benefit of not living with us and being the person who could speak with both of us. I credit him for helping us bridge a very difficult time.
It's also helped now. I've been uber busy with guardianship and my family caregiver classes. Busy enough that I haven't had time to devote to her current path of interviewing for internships, that process and talking things through. Her major is chemical engineering, and her dad is an EE by education. I haven't even had the time to wish it were me she was asking, and I'm really glad that he can help her in a field where I left more than 20 years ago. It truly has lightened my load.
What I'm trying to say is that there are long term benefits for everyone if you can "teach" him how to step up to this role. His deferring is out of habit. You're a new, improved Raliced and he just needs some time to see that.
I'm sorry your youngest is sick. Hope she's feeling better pronto so she can get back to normal. We've had a stomach bug floating around here for the past 6 weeks. It hit me last week, and I felt like I was going to vomit for a day. Don't know if she just ran into something yucky? After all, she's 3, and 3 year olds seem to be magnets for that kind of thing (distant memory that never really goes away).
You're doing fine. Really.
Happy Easter to you and your girls.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Really feeling on the upswing today. First of all, I have the girls back (D7 was with her dad all week) and we spent the morning coloring eggs. I confess to being a total kid about the holidays. I enjoy playing with the dye every bit as much as my daughters do. STBX always had to be cajoled into joining us.
Did a really nice job on my solo at the Good Friday service last night and D7 beamed with pride.
D7 announced that she has now has a boyfriend and we had a fun yet touching conversation about how she can always talk to me about her boyfriends.
Took D7 to a swim clinic for her swim team. Sunny day, happy, excited kids, D7 is doing awesome....and 45 minutes of quiet time to read on my kindle while she is practicing. Next year D3 will be able to particpate and I was happily anticipating that
D3 left the light on in the back seat of my car last night, and I handled recharging the battery (it's a Prius and I had never had to do that before) all by my lonesome (this would have definitely been STBX's job before).
There are a couple of shows (Wolf Hall and Outlander) that are on this weekend. Previously, I would have recorded them on the DVR because STBX wouldn't have been interested and then I wouldn't have ever gotten around to watching them and instead I can lounge around and enjoy them to my heart's content after the girls are asleep.
In short, it's not uncommon for me to think about all the losses, but for whatever reason today I guess I am really in the mood to think about all the little improvements in day to day life -no more compromises, more space to enjoy things I love - and my relationship with my daughters seems to only be strengthening. Maybe I'm really absorbing this sense of Easter renewal.
In short, it's not uncommon for me to think about all the losses, but for whatever reason today I guess I am really in the mood to think about all the little improvements in day to day life -no more compromises, more space to enjoy things I love
It is nice that Easter gives us a chance to reflect on renewals. I'm trying to keep this frame of mind everyday.
It's definitely helped bring me out of those valleys that have popped up along the way.
Me:33 W:34 T:13 M:8.5 D mentioned & S 2/13/15 "We can never get back together" 4/2/15 Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15 "I want to have cats back" 5/4/15 Served D papers 5/8/15
There are a couple of shows (Wolf Hall and Outlander) that are on this weekend. Previously, I would have recorded them on the DVR because STBX wouldn't have been interested and then I wouldn't have ever gotten around to watching them and instead I can lounge around and enjoy them to my heart's content after the girls are asleep.
I'm an Outlander fan too. I read the series (at the time, 4 books) when my D18 was a year old. I was hooked. So when my D21 asked me last summer for a book recommendation - specifically "One I will never want to put down" - I handed her my dogeared, beat up paperback. She's had to take a hiatus with school, but she logs into my Dish Anywhere and watches too. Sigh.
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In short, it's not uncommon for me to think about all the losses, but for whatever reason today I guess I am really in the mood to think about all the little improvements in day to day life -no more compromises, more space to enjoy things I love - and my relationship with my daughters seems to only be strengthening. Maybe I'm really absorbing this sense of Easter renewal.
Awesome paragraph! It's empowering, isn't it? If you have to lose a spouse and your marriage, this has got to be the silver lining in the cloud. I had no idea.
Great job, R.
p.s. Starz says the demographic for the Outlander audience is 50-50. That shocked me...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
