I have finally came to the realization, that I have never truly let go. I never did enough for me. And I definitely was still very selfish throughout all of this. Thinking a few things would fix my underlying issues. I have never been able to fully break free from a crippling addiction to pornography. And it has basically led me here.
It hit me last week, that I am still thinking only of me. Still thinking of ways to make my life right. I have chased, begged, pleaded, and made myself a fool for something that I don't even know if it's right. I have to break free and find myself again, in order to figure this out.
I snooped some this weekend, saw some stuff on FB, and instead of thinking before I talked, I just talked. I am constantly pursuing something, that doesn't want anything to do with me. I have to break the chains, and I can do that. I can move forward and live a healthy life. Right now neither the W or I are very healthy. In the dee recesses of my mind, I can't shake that I did love her, and I do want to be with her. That part is going to be the hardest to shake. However, if I don't shake that, even our relationship for the kids suffers. And that can't happen. I have to be bigger than this, and show my kids it's okay to split, it doesn't mean the end of the world. It doesn't mean we have to fight and argue all the time. It just means we enter a new chapter.
I am going to try to post on here some in hopes of not bugging her. Keep my thoughts and actions to myself, and be more self aware of what I'm doing. But I want this for me now, to heck with her, I want to be a good dad, and a good man again. That's something I have lost over the years. And I want it back!!!
