Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Made the decision last night to start reading a new book. I have stayed away from self help books and relationship books for about two months. I made this decision because I felt I was focusing too much on my R than on me as a person. I would read the books and see the work the XW and I could do to improve our M. I way misunderstood the position my M was in and thought we were ready to do some heavier work.

Now the focus is on me and my growth. I read for about 20 minutes last night and feel that "NMMNG" will be a good read for me. I need to not be so nice and not be so scared of rocking the boat. I have felt beaten down for a while and need to grow some back bone.

I don't feel the XW was intentionally beating me down, I allowed myself to have too much responsibility for everything. I was doing good with the DB process but what I missed was to take care of myself and not be a push over. I was too scared to make a mistake and then I started to stagnate. The temperature of the M was directly controlling my emotions.

So I hope the book and learning will help me move forward with gathering internal strength. I still find myself with stomach aches when thinking about the XW and/or our interactions. I don't need to feel this way and will work towards growing as a person.