Happy, Please try not to read into what he wants or doesn't want to do right now. There could be any number of reasons why he doesn't want to finance now and one of them is that he's going to get his own financial issues resolved. Maybe he will and maybe he won't get them resolved. Could be that he isn't planning to stick around or it could be that he just doesn't want to go thru a refinancing right now. He's not ready to sign his rights away because if he should opt to leave, he's going to want his share of the equity in the home.
Bottom line, he's not ready to sign over his rights to anything at this point in time. Some of them do this and it's unfortunate as the rates are fairly good right now.
I'm sorry he's not willing to do this...but I'm not surprised.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I totally understand that I can NOT read his mind. I know there are many reasons why he would not want to sign his rights away. It actually makes sense to me, I would want my share if it was the other way around. I was surprised because last year this time he was ready for me to REFI in my name and sign away his rights to the house. His focus was to get bills lower so it would not be hard for me to cover the MTG on my own.
Now on this issue Im a lil bothered cause we are wasting money paying higher interest rate, and it was something he was PUSHING hard for , but the deal/rates were not the best last year, it was lower but not enough, but now it would really make sense to go thru with it. The rates, no closing cost (REFI thru my job), 2 months no payment, discount thru my job making int rate even lower.
AND NOW this, now he talking about getting his tax issues resovled and then WE can looking into REFI.
If it was not for the possibility of a tax lien once I refi as married, I would just do it, I dont care about him signing away his rights, that is only to avoid a tax lien...
Heck IF he leaves I have no problem giving him his share IF/WHEN I sold this house. But if Im still in the house,,then I have no plans on "buying" him out,,,well since his name not on MTG or Title and I was not married when I brought the house I would not have to "buy" him out,,,well maybe this is the best right now cause if he leaves M, right now I would not have to "buy" him out anyway..OK I will use this as my positive.
So not fair that even though he not being a H, he is making H decisions that affect me. WOW
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, If his name is not on the mortgage and title, why not pursue the refinance in your name only? Does he have any ties to the house financially except maybe helping pay the mortgage? I really think I would look into this and ask questions. You must might be able to do it on your own.
About last year, he was most probably feeling a lot of guilt and shame for what he may have been doing and wanted to push to get this stuff done. Now, this year, he wants to wait which tells me that he's further along the yellow brick road, i.e., from last year.
Happy, do your homework, ask questions and if you can do this, then do it if it can be done.
BTW, am I rubbing you the wrong way? I get a sense that you get annoyed sometimes w/my postings to you. If so, I'm sorry that I annoy you, but I'm trying to remind you, as well as other posters that we can't always figure out where their minds are at any given moment.
NO NO NO YOU dont annoy me at all. I hope my responses dont come off that way. OMGoodness NO NO NO NO NO NO.
None of the responses to my post annoy me, it may be just that Im annoyed at this whole situation and maybe that is coming back in my response?
I did check and Yes I can refi on my own, I was just advised by the MTG rep that since Im married my H would be on the title unless he signs his rights away. And the risks of that would be a tax lein being placed on the house since H has tax debts.
SO I could and not have H sign away his rights and run the risks of a tax lein.
The thing with that is, the MTG company I wanted to go with might not want to take that risks with the possibility that a tax lein could be on the property.
I also mentioned that to H, just taking the risks and he said its not a good idea, he would not want them to be able to put a lein on the house.
I plan to possiibly sale this house in 3-4 years anyway...
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I have a gift for him, plan to leave on table that morning before I leave for work.
I have ask him about going to dinner next week, step sons have been asking me "what are we doing for dad's bday" so I told them dinner at some point.
I will leave it at that. I had no plans on the dinner outing, but my step sons I'm not sure if they know anything about our M issues, so they expect me to arrange the dinner for dad's bday,,something we have been doing for years.
SS34 and his GF, and kids and GF mom spent Easter dinner with my mom and S14 and some of my cousins. We had a great time.
I can say my realtionship with my step sons is better then it ever has been, we spend more time together now then we have in the past. It seems like my H really pushes us to spend time together, in the past if H was not available due to work, SS's often went elsewhere, but for the last few years they are with me during holidays rather H is there or not.
Maybe because they are adults now and live here in the same town, but I love them hanging out and bring their kids over. I'm glad it does not matter to them if their dad is there or not, they still want to spend time with me and of course their brother.
SS34 often calls me and I'm even his back up (has new baby is on the way very soon and SS34 drives trucks for a living so in case he is on the road and baby comes, I'm the stand in Dad, he did not ask his dad he ask ME.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I think you are doing the wise thing by leaving his gift on the table. That way, it's not made into a big deal for him. As for your step sons, maybe they should ask their father what he wants to do this year for his birthday. They are old enough now to plan things for the both of you or even w/just him. However, it would be nice to have the family get together for his birthday, but because he's been in crisis, one never knows what they want or don't want when it comes to such things.
It's always nice to have a good relationship w/the step children. Your relationship w/them will continue to grow because of "grandchildren". Maybe the reason you are going to be the "stand in dad" is because he knows his father is kinda out to lunch sometimes. It's an honor to be there for the birth and ensure that everything goes according to plan, i.e., getting the mother to the hospital, etc.
I'm glad Easter was pleasant and you got to spend it w/family members. So, what's on your agenda for Spring?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree, I wish they would contact H directly about bday dinner plans. I know H does not respond to them when he wants to avoid a topic, so maybe they find it easier to contact me and get details or information. SS34 did mention/hint at Easter dinner that "dad is acting old" "dad is getting old" "dad is acting funny" maybe this is SS34 way of trying to figure out what is going on with his dad. Actually he probably did not ask his dad, cause his dad has given him a very hard time about having another child.
Spring plans- I plan to keep cleaning my mind and soul, along with my home, lose weight, get more active. Keep working on keeping lines of communication open with my S14. Contine to work on being the best I can be each day. Improving my R with family and friends. H's crisis has open my eyes to things I needed and or wanted to change/improve on within myself.
Along with the gift of time, I've gotten the gift of "getting me together" "focus on me"
Job,,,did you read my reponse to you on 4/3 post above. Just want to make sure you know how I feel.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Your step son knows that something is wrong w/his father, but he can't put his finger on it. I hope he doesn't tell his father that he is acting old or acting strange. That will surely keep the "distance" situation going.
As for another child, that decision is up to your step son and the mother of his child. Sure, we all have an opinion about what is good and what's not, but if your step son is excited about the baby and wants the child, then enough has been said. It could be that your h is reflecting back on what his life was like when his older children came along and what he "thinks" may have hindered his fun times, etc. I do hope that your h will welcome this new baby w/open arms and enjoy the little one because they sure don't stay little for very long. Being a grandparent at an early age also reminds them that they are getting old too. They have such a warped sense of thinking.
Your plans sound great and each and every plan is workable.
Keep up the good work! Keep your phone handy as you never know when you may be called to go to the hospital.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
YES, H is reflecting on how his having kids early,,,"affected" his younger years. He always tells SS34 that he should not have as many kids 2.5 that he has, SS34 left college when his 1st son was born 10 years ago H did the same thing when SD 32 was born, 32 years ago...so I know he is thinking more about his past and how he feels having kids early and basically being forced to leave college. H's mother was very old school and once his 2nd child was born she strongly advised him to leave college on a football scholorhips and come home get a job and take care of his kids. H had ALWAYS regretted that!!!
SS34 is worried about money, but is excited about his 3rd and what he says is his last child.
I'm on stand by and READY, already told my manager the situation and that I may need to leave a second notice.
The mom is also having some complications so even more alert!!!
H is not as involved with any of the grandkids, it is me who invites them over, its me who the Skids call and ask for baby sitting etc. He has not been welcoming about this newest baby on it way but I hope soon he will be.
Yes, SS34 has mention to his dad that he is getting old and acting "old".
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Oh, my! I do hope the mother doesn't have any complications w/the birth of the baby. I'm sure you'll be right there and coaching her and giving her plenty of support if needed.
History appears to be repeating itself for your h. He's thinking about the past and the what ifs, should have beens etc. Hopefully he can work thru this and learn to enjoy his grandchildren. You are only as old as you feel. I hope that he will learn to embrace his life and know that what he's learn thru the years will help all of his children and grandchildren along the way. I know that my father was an older grandfather and he enjoyed his grandchildren very much. Your h is a younger grandfather and could do so much w/them as they being to grow up a bit and want to do things.
I think it's wonderful that the step children and grandchildren come over even if "pops" isn't involved w/them they know you are. One day, he may just surprised everyone, including himself, and warm up to them and begin to become interested and want to do things w/them. At least that is my hope for him and the family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
