Complex No. 6 - The turtle and the rabbit

[Complex]

Of course, just after a few days of "peace and harmony", she acts annoyed this morning. Then texting me later on that she is still annoyed by our situation.
But she's glad we are getting along.
Either she is annoyed that we actually are treating each other better recently or she had another talk with a friend or maybe contact to OM again and got frustrated again that she just can't move on right now.

Whatever it is, I shouldn't care. But I do a bit again. Seeing all her family over easter was nice but showed me how much I love to have them in my life. It's scary to think they will be gone forever one day.
I put things in retrospect this morning and it made me sad.
I miss having a R, being loved. Reconciliation scenario seems very distant. I realized what would actually have to happen to get to a state where I would be happy too. It would take tremendous efforts and full commitment from W.
Just don't see that happening any time soon..
Glad I'm still young and that I'll have the ability to start over again. My hopes are still there tho.
Now that W is more friendly she might see the danger ..so it's probably good to pull back the friendly contact a bit from my side, so a) she doesn't start to think its persuasive and stays comfortable with it and b) she has some time to reflect herself.

I hope I'm still in the right place with my thoughts and actions.
I'm kind of getting anxious about the time my greencard will be in the mail. That's where everything will get real and she will start legal actions. I better be prepared ...

I also feel like I'm not doing any 180s recently. I just basically live my life the way it feels right to me. I'm less reactive. Feels like I'm not doing enough ..not sure