...and another WAS

[Pyrite]

You are so close to BD it's hard for me to think you have got all of your lifelong challenges ironed out. It would be like someone saying they got their PHD in 2 years. Maybe it's possible, I don't know, but skeptical hippo is skeptical. It's better to be flawed, at least then you have a shot to change your life. When you're perfect and things still stink, then you're doomed.

I don't think I have my lifelong challenges ironed out. I wish it was that simple. I am an analyst by nature, and very good at it. Handy in my line of work. I have spent a great deal of time analyzing my life, and where I am today. Way before BD. Those conclusions are not wrong, nor necessarily superseded theories. Nor are they particularly resolved either I hasten to add.

This catastrophic event however has sharpened my awareness of how I have behaved WRT my W in particular. I have, owned up to many things which before I could not, even to myself. There are still others which I have privately considered, but until recently have dismissed. I wouldn't do that I thought. Or think that. But I do, or did. And I am ashamed. But there is nothing I can do about that now, and the culmination of all those things is D.

I am very lucky to have the job I do. It has afforded me almost all of the time since BD to reflect. This has also been a huge negative. Without the forced distraction I have been dwelling on this 24/7. In my cycling I have "enjoyed" periods of extended depression. Basically because I can see this as my fault. I eventually free myself by getting angry. As that subsides I can detach more efficiently, which makes the next round of depression easier to deal with.

Since finding this forum (still waiting on delivery of DR even), I have found at least two remarkable things. One is the very helpful, controlling ego driven interpretation of how I (mis)treated my wife, and secondly is my increased acceptance of fault during depression cycles. I mean I am not so eager to push it away with anger, nor deny it. I can sit for longer in the depression stages without being overwhelmed, as if I am more forgiving of myself.

In the anger stages I usually deny my W forgiveness. Just last week, or a few days ago even, I couldn't imagine ever forgiving her, let alone being friends with er, and I am not saying that now that I do truly forgive her or want to be friends. But the idea doesn't seem like it will never, ever happen. It feels like I can admit (even if it is only to myself and you guys) that I am a screw up, and while she left, I caused her to be that unhappy. This sits a lot better with me believe it or not, than blaming her, and trying to work out how she changed so much to do that.