Quote: That's why when other people are judging me, advising me I have to remember until they've been in my shoes, they don't know what they would do either.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd even speak to my H again after an A.
And frankly, i believe he didn't intend for the A to happen... but there comes a point when you are making choices and in his case, lying about them extensively. And that is where the feelings that "just happened" (i.e., the ones they cultivated by spending time and energy with these OW instead of in their M--for whatever reasons they might have at the time) become choices and actions.
And spinning around in the muck of it trying to excuse your own behavior and deal with the guilt of doing it is also a choice, though I imagine what they are going through emotionally can cloud that reality.
At some point they come to realize this. I'd imagine they would have to.
I hope I don't come across sounding at all bitter because I'm really not (been there, done that). I have tremendous love and compassion for my H, but I also think there comes a time when these WASs need to step up to the plate and remember that no one is in charge of their life but them-- not their feelings, not some magical force, not addictions-- unless THEY give that power away. Which is also a choice, though one with lots of complications.
I would have never believed i'd stand by him this long, but I see him in there struggling. And I believe he's a good man who's gotten very lost. Some people get that, some don't. But we have to live with and respect our own choices and our own actions... can't become better people while we're off doing things we're not proud of, right?
I too believe you don't know what you'd do in a given sitch until it happens to you. I can say that I've had 2 opps. now to engage in As of my own (I would consider them As as I'm still married). Like you, I can't do that. For me, it's at odds with respecting myself.
