The "bomb" that was dropped on H by me is no longer an issue. I won't go into details, there were emotions involved, things to think about, decisions to be made and reality. This morning mother nature took her course. The reality is I am no longer young, H is no longer young, responsibility for our actions finally sets in. End of subject.
I had to work last night, S went to my parents. Left a message with H where I was and where S was and that I would see him later. Hadn't heard from H all day. Picked up S, drove home and in my mind I was wondering if H would be home/not be home. Approaching house, no lights on no H. Oh well. Pulled into the garage, closed the garage door, the garage door closes and then starts opening. It's H. H came into the house, I asked him where he was and he wouldn't say. H immediately headed for the bathroom, S and I headed down stairs to watch TV. H came down a bit later..H was very quiet. We watched TV for a bit, H went to bed I sat up and read/prayed for H and went to bed.
This morning it was like H couldn't hear a darn thing. S4 was a terror all morning. I was trying to take a shower, S4 was messing around in the bathroom, I called H a few times to get S out of the bathroom, no response. S was doing all kinds of naughty things and it was like H didn't hear anything at all. Just sat on the couch reading the newspaper, listening to country music on TV, up loud!! I just wanted to scream at H to help out!!
I don't know if H was waiting for me to flip out, throw him out--which is what I wanted to do or what he was thinking. H was in a zone.
H is now at a family meeting to determine if his parents should continue to live alone or what should be done. They are both not taking care of each other. His mom broke her foot from just getting out of her chair. She's an alcoholic, who's no longer drinking as of a year ago and her bones are like pretzels. H's mom hasn't been happy for years, she just sits in her chair, doesn't want to go anywhere for very log. From there H is going to watch a race and basketball game at a bar, then to the hockey game tonight.
I am taking full responsibility for our S, have all weekend. H just does what he wants to. This weekend it is bothering me as my S is being a TERROR!!! ARgggghhhh!
I have to work again later this afternoon. So will go to my parents. I am also going to be very busy at work this week.
This coming weekend I will make no plans except with my H. I think I'm going to ask him to keep the whole weekend open so that him and I can spend some time together.
Vinlad--you are very right on about H after reading the depression stage and thinking back over the last two months as an outsider, H is in depression. Withdrawl? H's face shows no emotions, looks blank.
This whole thing is amazing when I step back and look.
I am doing amazingly well considering all that's going on and I will continue to go on as I have been. For life is good and whether we like what happens or not, it's called life.
H takes everything so personally, thinks everything "happens" to him, is about him, doesn't think about anybody else, just himself. I even point it out to him once in awhile by saying "why do you think it's just about you?" H just doesn't get it.
Your H sounds depressed and alcoholic. He is displaying all the selfish self-centered tendencies of an alcoholic. It takes one to know one sometimes, and I am one.
I will pray for him and for you and your family. Right now, I'm not in a position to give any advice except that maybe you could get him on antidepressants? It's helped me.
Maybe you need to think of this stage as "there only in body" LOL. Your H may be home, but sometimes he is not being responsible, especially with son!
Don't "expect" him to be helpful right now. Basically live like he is not there. What would you do with son if he wasn't? Your H doesn't sound like he wants any responsibility with dealing with S. So for now you must deal with it.
I'd say he is not just depressed here, I think you should add a little replay into it! Sorry I don't want to depress you, but just wanted you to know what I'm seeing.
You sound great, sound detached. AND THAT IS GREAT!
This is your H journey and all you can do is watch, LOL!
Quote: This is your H journey and all you can do is watch, LOL!
And it's quite the experience! This morning he seemed like a little boy when he was getting ready for work! Didn't comb his hair, didn't want any lunch put his hat on and was out the door!
Quote: Your H may be home, but sometimes he is not being responsible, especially with son!
H has a Jeckle/Hyde personality when it comes to S. It's amazing to watch some days.
H didn't stop and watch a race after meeting at parents and came home. Son still hadn't take a nap, needed one. H wanted S to nap in his bed, S was having a fit and crying. So I decided S could sit with me in the chair and fall asleep. H said "why do you contradict me" "why am I even here" as I'm thinking to myself. Oh just becuase you're HERE means you get to call all the shots or maybe more like RIGHT now when you FEEL like it. I just ignored H and S fell asleep in the chair with me, right away.
Since I had to work and I thought H was going to be gone, I arranged for my parents to be with S. Since H was home, H said he would stay with S. As I'm getting ready to leave, H asks me if I'm taking S to parents?!! I said "no you said you would stay with S and S would rather be with you." H said "well I don't know if I want to deal with S" WTF!!!! It's amazing, utterly amazing the way H goes back and forth, back and forth.
H wasn't very responsive, I pretty much left him alone, he'd answer some questions, but seemed to want to be left alone.
Quote: H takes everything so personally, thinks everything "happens" to him, is about him, doesn't think about anybody else, just himself. I even point it out to him once in awhile by saying "why do you think it's just about you?" H just doesn't get it.
Boy, can I relate to this, Cathy! You're right... you are doing an amazing job in a tough situation.
I'm thinking like Deb, that there's a bit of running back into the tunnel in addition to the depression and drinking... My H has has pretty similar behaviors and mindset (he doesn't drink, though).
I think they may actually "think about" others, only they're doing it from their assumptions... so it's not really about us, but about the impression of us in their head, not on what we're actually saying and doing right now. Just my 2 cents.
Quote: I think they may actually "think about" others, only they're doing it from their assumptions... so it's not really about us, but about the impression of us in their head, not on what we're actually saying and doing right now. Just my 2 cents.
So H thinks I'm doing this or that to him, "why does this always happen to me" thinking when it's so clearly not always about H.
I can finally see the difference, that comes with detaching, that it doesn't "just happen" to one person. It's the victim/selfish attitude that comes in here I think.
Is THIS something that can be changed? It would make a world of difference in my H's life, as well as others, if they could just get out of that mindset.
It's like a negative person trying to think positive. It's not natural and it's uncomfortable so it doesn't last for long, but with consistency you can change your thinking from that of a negative person to a positive person. I know I did it and I never thought I would be able to.
If H could just see that it's not always about H, let go of some of those thoughts, his burdens would be lessened. He would feel like a new person a different person, maybe, finally a happy person.
Quote: It's like a negative person trying to think positive. It's not natural and it's uncomfortable so it doesn't last for long, but with consistency you can change your thinking from that of a negative person to a positive person. I know I did it and I never thought I would be able to.
Same here, Cathy, same here!
I think your H wants to be able to make decisions with your son. Afterall, he may feel like an outsider looking in.
I'd say you, wonder and I have been going down that MLC path with our H's. I know I have grown and learned alot from all this. And I didn't even know what MLC was!
Our road is not an easy one as we all know! Detaching and watching, works, although I find I can slip a little, I still keep moving forward. I'm sure you can say the same.
Quote: So H thinks I'm doing this or that to him, "why does this always happen to me" thinking when it's so clearly not always about H.
I swear they seem to get into those places where they are thinking that way! Like the A (in my case) "just happened", like I've kept up 10-year friendships just to make him look bad or hurt him, or when I added a workable lock to my basement door, my H said I was trying to keep him out... never mind that I might be concerned for my own safety in a wooded area alone.
And then sometimes all of this seems as bizarre to him as it does to me and his thinking is not like that at all. Seeing him both ways lets me detach from it more, but every now & then I get tangled up in what he is saying.
I totally agree with the victim attitude thing. Our attitude is 90% of how we deal with things I think.
Personally, I think much of it is depression... some of it learned thinking patterns. It took me a long time to see this and so I have spent time trying to figure out why he'd believe X or Y. Don't fall in that trap.
Quote: Is THIS something that can be changed? It would make a world of difference in my H's life, as well as others, if they could just get out of that mindset.
YES! It is most definitely something that can change-- look, you say you did it yourself! But not by us. They need to change it themselves, and it's a process, and they have to think it's worth doing... and that they CAN do it.
My H can do anything he puts his mind to... I have seen it with my own eyes. But unfortunately, he doesn't believe that right now.
I love that one as my H says the same thing. It just happened, but H didn't tell me he was talking to OW, that he was seeing OW, that he was dating OW, that he was sleeping with OW until well after the fact. So if it just happened, why didn't H tell me about it right away? If it just happened, why the secrecy?
Yeah it could "just happen" to anyone, but I know for me I couldn't cross that line. I was tempted to, but if I had, I would have been into the unknown and I was too afraid of that place! I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.
Maybe that's the difference between me and my H, I knew better, I knew what it would bring and I didn't want to become that person, I didn't/couldn't hurt my H.
On the other hand and in thinking back I was HOPING my H would cross that line as I THOUGHT it would be what I needed to finally say to H "enough" I've had it with you--because I had emotionally shut down from him. Boy was I wrong!!
That's why when other people are judging me, advising me I have to remember until they've been in my shoes, they don't know what they would do either.
Quote: That's why when other people are judging me, advising me I have to remember until they've been in my shoes, they don't know what they would do either.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd even speak to my H again after an A.
And frankly, i believe he didn't intend for the A to happen... but there comes a point when you are making choices and in his case, lying about them extensively. And that is where the feelings that "just happened" (i.e., the ones they cultivated by spending time and energy with these OW instead of in their M--for whatever reasons they might have at the time) become choices and actions.
And spinning around in the muck of it trying to excuse your own behavior and deal with the guilt of doing it is also a choice, though I imagine what they are going through emotionally can cloud that reality.
At some point they come to realize this. I'd imagine they would have to.
I hope I don't come across sounding at all bitter because I'm really not (been there, done that). I have tremendous love and compassion for my H, but I also think there comes a time when these WASs need to step up to the plate and remember that no one is in charge of their life but them-- not their feelings, not some magical force, not addictions-- unless THEY give that power away. Which is also a choice, though one with lots of complications.
I would have never believed i'd stand by him this long, but I see him in there struggling. And I believe he's a good man who's gotten very lost. Some people get that, some don't. But we have to live with and respect our own choices and our own actions... can't become better people while we're off doing things we're not proud of, right?
I too believe you don't know what you'd do in a given sitch until it happens to you. I can say that I've had 2 opps. now to engage in As of my own (I would consider them As as I'm still married). Like you, I can't do that. For me, it's at odds with respecting myself.
