...and another WAS

[Zues126]

I remember the day that my IC told me I was crazy. He said it just like that. Then he said, "you have to understand, your W has been living with a crazy person for the last 7 years". This was 2 years before BD.

I looked at him and said "I'm not delusional. This isn't all in my head. I know I seem grandiose, but I didn't image that I am beating world champions in international competition, I didn't dream up the fact that I got promoted 3 times in 3 years, or that I was the number one sales rep every month until those promotions. So somehow something I'm doing is actually getting results."

To which he replied "right. But you're also not dreaming that you and your W haven't spoken a word for 90 days..."

What I can tell you is this- addicts are very smart. We feel like we get things because we can mince a lot of psychobabble in our heads to think we understand the issue. Shoot, I did that at times during my M. I thought I had things figured out a few times. I didn't.

What finally changed is that I realized that I can BS the rest of the world, but if I want to attain my goal of a real healthy M someday, well...I need to REALLY change. That meant more than a great looking research paper about how I work.

You are so close to BD it's hard for me to think you have got all of your lifelong challenges ironed out. It would be like someone saying they got their PHD in 2 years. Maybe it's possible, I don't know, but skeptical hippo is skeptical. It's better to be flawed, at least then you have a shot to change your life. When you're perfect and things still stink, then you're doomed.

You asked why I don't talk to my W about this. Because I've probably said it all before. Because she doesn't care anymore and isn't in a place of logic. Because if she's not able to see what I bring based on the changes I DID demonstrate in the months after BD and that I continue to demonstrate with the kids, and if she's so deep in her own problems that she continues to make destructive choices, then I am better off keeping her at a distance anyway.

I am going to finalize the D to protect myself, continue forward for a year and a day, or whatever is the right amount of time. I am going to get in better shape again, get my apartment finished into a man lair, get to the top of my new sales gig (started 5 months ago, still a rookie), and have some fun with my buddies. When the timing is right I'll be in a much better head space, ready for a serious M, will know what I want and what I'm looking for, and will be ready to partner up. If my STBX does something between now and then that indicates she's interested in that and she's ready to put in the same effort I am, well, I might be down for that. I don't expect that to happen but am not burning that bridge. Either way I'll keep going forward and will do the best I can.

So I just don't think a conversation would change anything. I believe in speaking only with actions. And that's all I listen to either.

Stay strong on your journey and enjoy the ride!