...and another WAS

[Pyrite]

Mr Bond,

the ego thing. as i have said in the last few posts i had to be the best at whatever I was doing. i can see now how this has been true for a long long time. i have an extra complication which maybe i'll talk about another time but basically i can map the last 20 years in this pattern.

i have been grappling for the last few years, where did this 'anger' come from, this intolerant attitude, this competitiveness. I think they are all linked, through my ego. I could possibly word this better, but i feel compelled to get it out now.

i ended up back at Uni when I was 27. I had already risen to more or less the height of another career. from there on it was pretty much about repeating more of the same. The ego stroking was becoming mundane. I decided on the banks of the Ganges, 4500 Metres in he Himalayas that i wanted to be a physicist. I was dux of my class every year. I easily won a scholarship to do a PhD. I collaborated with people from Harvard, Princeton, Caltech. My ego was loving it. Rationally I made the decision to pursue the family root. But my ego was screwed and it has been getting worse ever since.

i have spent a lot of time thinking about how certain episodes that "remind" me of my poor behaviour of late fit together. There are always outliers, and then I remember an even earlier episode which doesn't fit at all.