I also wanted to address you lengthy post to me from last week. I have read NMMNG. I recognize certain aspects of a "nice guy" in me, but I really don't feel I have that much in common. I don't seem to match any of the Nice Guys that Glover describes.
I came from a very stable home with emotionally available parents. I really tried to find some instance where I felt abandoned. Nada. My father was very present. My mother was not controlling. They got along fabulously until my fathers dying day. I don't have any shameful habits or secrets: There was a time I would surf to porn sites, but I never hid it from my wife and it became less and less frequent. I never harbored guilt over it. My relationship with my W, pre-A, did not resemble any of the cases that Glover describes. My wife was not a fixer-upper. She was not difficult to please. She never claimed that I was not emotionally available. I did not go out of my way to please her. I have no problem relating to other men. I don't hide my mistakes. I don't think I was passive aggressive (pre-A). I don't "give to get" (covert contracts). Intimacy was good. There was a time when my W was less interested in ML, but that had improved drastically. I am NOT monogamous to my mother. I don't feel like my life should be perfect or that I am owed anything for being nice.
Where I do fit the Nice guy mold? trying to always do the right thing. Sometimes I would go out of my way to help others. I do seek approval from others - sometimes, but not always. I sometimes neglect myself. I did try to be different from my father - I felt he was not strict enough - but I don't think that is what Glover had in mind. Do I have toxic shame? I might call it low self-esteem, but maybe? I did refer to myself as a parents dream and low-maintenance. I do worry about putting my needs before the children, but I think this is mostly post-A, as I fear my W will hold it against me regarding custody.
So I may be an "I'm so good" nice guy, but I am not convinced. I really tried to read the book with an open mind. I am just not feeling it. If you pinned me down, I would say that I have some nice guy qualities, but I think if I were to compare myself to the general population of men, I would fall somewhere in the middle of the curve.
RAI
P.S. I don't do laundry. I was washing my gym clothes for the first time - EVER! - to detach from my W. I found her undies when I emptied the dryer.
