You are both totally right. I know that every time I have snooped I have felt worse afterwards. How it happened this time is that I was planning on cutting off Ws phone service - letting her pay for her own phone. So I had to call my carrier. While I was on the carriers website I could not help myself. I felt a very strong urge to check her usage. The whole day after that is a blur. Some days I am so detached and other days I fall into the same old trap. Uggh. Somebody stop the merry-go-round!
Toots,
I am reading and re-reading your post. I really appreciate your empathy and encouragement. It came at just the right time.
We did go ahead with the mediation appointment after all. I arranged for a baby sitter at the last minute to show my WW that I am serious about proceeding with dissolution. At first she was asking me to set her free. Now, I wish she would set me free. Unfortunately, D is a total misnomer. Instead of being free, I will be legally shackled to my STBXW for as long as we live.
I won't bore anyone with the specifics of my appointment, but it seems like every option re: shared parenting and finances is terrible. Every decision feels like a lose-lose situation. If I had a choice, I would have avoided D like the plague. I can't understand how someone would willingly choose D.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
Are you telling us that the recent developments (texts) mean that YOU really want to move on with the dissolution process? That's perfectly fine. I'm just checking that you're not getting it to get a response out of her.
Mozza,
I don't know anymore. you can probably see my ambivalence in the above paragraphs. On one hand, I have had enough. It is very hard to be in the same house as her and keep up a PMA - so I want to proceed. On the other hand, I also feel like if I say "bring it on", she will begin to understand that it is no longer a fantasy. There are going to be real emotional and financial consequences - so I want a response. Lastly, I love my children so much that it kills me to think about what they are about to go through - as if the last two years weren't enough. Honestly, if I could do anything to prevent this from happening, I would. Clearly, I do not control my W and the only thing I can do is detach. So, I want to proceed and I don't want to proceed.
BTW, My ego is still smarting as well. It still hurts to see how eager she is to D. It is hard to fathom how much she dislikes me.
