hold on! - 9

[u-turn]

I am looking forward to my IC - I'm not exactly sure what to expect - I have not done this before. I hope that this person is right for me, her name was given to me by a trusted friend (who is also a counselor). I am hoping this is a new path for me to start healing.

S20 came over for easter dinner and it went really well. I masterfully grilled chicken & ribs and had fun doing that. I feel really good about S20 coming back - I know that when he sees W & my next step, it may be a set back for him (it obviously is going to be difficult for everyone). Though I still see and have heard that he is really only interested in having a relationship with me and not so much his mother.

I am going to vent: I have a hard time being in the same place with W these days. I feel like a stranger in my own house when she's there. Though she wants to act like a happy family - and hide the problems to the kids, I have found myself not being able to do this (this annoys w - but this is the only way I am able to achieve any sort of detachment) - Sadly, I do not even interact with the kids while she is. It is like we take turns with them (by my choice). I know this is something we will all have to get used to, but it seems odd to do this while still being in the same house.

- I did not hold my tongue about the "gift" from OM. I told her that this proves that she does not care about my boundaries. She is surprised that I think this is a problem.

I cannot see going forward with the person that she has become. I don't think that I even like her anymore. This is what hurts me. The realization that I have fought for a long time (much of it in the wrong way) is wearing me down. She has told me that she wanted to come back, but I do not believe her. Her actions do not show this. Even if she figured this out and somehow convinced me that she was indeed going to do the right thing, I don't know if I want it - can trust it for the long term.

I know that I love my kids and will do anything for them, but I don't know if I feel this way about W any more. I feel like I am turning into a WAH and this hurts.

(I believe she is worried that I am going to out her to everyone - OMW, her work, family) and I believe (mind reading - due to a text message that I think was to go to OM) that she is warning OM that this may be coming and to be nervous about it.

[PeterV2]

I found this somewhere. Maybe you should give it to her.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The 24 “tasks” that a cheater must perform in order for you to heal from an affair

Stop all contact with the other person – forever

Be sensitive when your partner suffers from a trigger

Stop being so selfish

Take responsibility for your actions – and inactions

Stop trying to always be in control

Have some patience

Be trustworthy

Talk about things

Be honest

Show remorse and apologize

Acknowledge the depth of the pain that your affair brought to your marriage

Educate yourself about affairs and relationships

Figure out for yourself why you did what you did

Be thoughtful and reassuring

Stop being so defensive

Be loving and supportive

Stop thinking that the grass is always greener somewhere else

Listen – really listen

Stop blaming your spouse for your affair

Make your life and everything you do an open book

Check your anger at the door

Get some counseling or therapy

Ask your spouse what he/she needs from you on a regular basis

Gratitude or gratefulness

---------------------------------------------------

At this point anything may help.

[u-turn]

I agree that this could be a step - I don't know how far it would go though and with my feelings and attitude lately - I would now have to change in order to be receptive to these things (set every feeling aside and see if she could do this).

If I were to give this to her I may add - *want to end the A and recommit to the marriage. and *research affairs/peas.

I do feel like we are at the precipice - we are both tired/exhausted of being this way. (and she has so many things that are working with her emotions right now - dui court date in less than a month, lies to everyone with an unhappy husband that knows everything, currently driving on a suspended license, sleeping on couch every night). I hope all of this doesn't just push her to look for her fix to cheer her up.

Thanks Peter

[u-turn]

If I were to give this to her I may add - *want to end the A and recommit to the marriage. and *research affairs/peas.

Until she wants this and I am even remotely assured of or believe this ^^^^, I don't think the rest of the list will matter to either of us though.

[MrBond]

How do things stand with both of you. Has she said she still wants a D?

[u-turn]

she's never said that she wants a divorce. She just wants to keep her "friend" at work and me at home. perfect life for her.

She is now responding to me saying that I am done living this way and actually showing it (because I really feel it). I have been about as dark with her as I can possibly be with us both living together with kids - it is not easy.

I think a physical separation is our only answer at this point.

She has mentioned trying, coming back, MC, journaling to each other, but still hides everything from me. Still has "more than business" contact with OM.

[u-turn]

Though I guess I should also say that she tells me that she is done with OM. That I give OM too much credit.

I've seen too much to forget and I do not believe her words.

What are your thoughts on my sitch MrBond? - thanks for stopping by.

[MrBond]

Has she done anything to push MC? Do you do things with the kids together?

What were some of the things you learned through all this in terms of attraction and attracting her? Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in the details of the WAS's A that it's easy to forget that they are women who need attracting.

[u-turn]

She has mentioned MC but has not pushed for it. I believe that if I pushed, she may go. I think that might be a waste right now though.

We still eat dinner together almost every day and we will go to kids events together. We are tending to do things separately with them though. Again, I think if I were to join in on fun family time, it would be ok with her.

About attraction: I have learned that she is attracted to confidence, decisiveness, positive attitude and strength. Though these have not always been my greatest attributes, I have improved. She was attracted to me or at least liked me when I took care of her after her arrest. She likes me when I keep her secrets and protects her image.

I probably sound like I've turned into a jerk, but I believe that if I do not change the dynamic of the situation, she will continue to play this double life and want to just play happy family.

I look at her when she is playing super mom with the kids and I get angry - I feel like she is scoring points with them and pushing me out (possibly in case of some custody decisions).

I feel that I can attract her, but that would just put me in or keep me in her game - and I often think this is just a game to her.

Do you think that I am just jaded and not letting her back in because of it?

note: I think she is awaiting me to file for divorce - she asked me if I have seen a lawyer. (Maybe this is all she's waiting for)

(sorry for this choppy post - I had it written pretty well last night and my phone crashed)

Thanks MrBond!

[Starsky309]

I found this somewhere. Maybe you should give it to her.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The 24 “tasks” that a cheater must perform in order for you to heal from an affair

Stop all contact with the other person – forever

Be sensitive when your partner suffers from a trigger

Stop being so selfish

Take responsibility for your actions – and inactions

Stop trying to always be in control

Have some patience

Be trustworthy

Talk about things

Be honest

Show remorse and apologize

Acknowledge the depth of the pain that your affair brought to your marriage

Educate yourself about affairs and relationships

Figure out for yourself why you did what you did

Be thoughtful and reassuring

Stop being so defensive

Be loving and supportive

Stop thinking that the grass is always greener somewhere else

Listen – really listen

Stop blaming your spouse for your affair

Make your life and everything you do an open book

Check your anger at the door

Get some counseling or therapy

Ask your spouse what he/she needs from you on a regular basis

Gratitude or gratefulness

---------------------------------------------------

At this point anything may help.

I'm certain that this won't. ^^^


Starsky