No, around Oct after our fake reconciling, we went back to MC and then she got mad that I wasn't sure about what to do with the kids (this was while the sting of her up and leaving us was still fresh) she sent an email to me and cc:Ed her L and said that any correspondence could go through him. I wrote back that it would make more sense to see if we could work through things by talking instead of getting them involved. Now, the reason I'm seeing the lawyer is more for finances but the kids are part of the things I need to work through. Furthermore, it's 6 months later and we still can't talk about the plans for the kids, anything about their future, she'll just respond she doesn't know what she's going to do or not answer at all.
Talked to a friend of my parents today that is going through a similar sitch. Her H had been cheating on her, fake reconciled 3 times, all kind of stuff. Talking with her felt so much like reading things on these boards. Things like how the WAS is totally different person, how things they do make no sense, etc. She actually said that she talked to her IC and she said about how the A is akin to an addiction, just like we say here.
I could also see that she was telling me and feeling the things that we are told by the vets here. Overall it was good validating that I'm on the right path for myself, kids and whatever the outcome of our sitch may be.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Do you remember reading somewhere on this forum that it will take WAW just as many months as you are married in years, before she starts showing any kind of change? You guys have been married for 11 years. Separated for 8months. Just food for thought..might not be enough time yet. 11 years for her to dwell on is alot of time...breathe and take a step back, regroup and keep at it.
I know exactly how you feel when you say her ups and downs are wearing you out- I know it shouldn't because we are supposed to be detached, but of course it still has an impact.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Yeah, I remember that. It seemed like it was unattainable at the time, but now I'm knocking on the doorstep. So, thinking it through today and I guess I'm getting more relaxed that its not in my hands.
For example the other day, W said that she could drop the kids off on Easter and told me the time. I said I had plans and would prefer if she could drop them off later in the evening. She replied back then she'll drop them off Monday or Tuesday. This would infuriate me before (she did the same thing around Xmas) but now I'm just like, whatever.
So, I replied back the other day with a pretty long email laying out how I've been trying to communicate for 8 months now and I've accepted that this is the way our communications would be in the foreseeable future. I said that I'm going to have to make decisions based on that. Also told her that we'll not get some deductions if we file separately, but that is her choice.
Today, I sent another email saying Happy Easter and I hope the kids had fun, asked her when she was planning on dropping the kids off and also said I got a sitter if she plans to show up for taxes.
I can see that I'm just getting to the point that whatever she wants to do is fine. I'm done trying to cater to her and her feelings (I think I've said that before )
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, got an email back that she will not go with me to do our taxes. Well, we'll be out a bunch of money due to tax laws since we'll have to file separately, even though we are still married. I sent her an email asking her to call her L and talk to him about the right thing to do. Only so much MCS can help with.
Funny, 8 months later and W left MCS to be happy and be 'emotionally stable.' (no mention of OM at the time?!) Neither seem to be working out that way, nor OM. Unfortunately, I guess its still MCS's (and everyone else in her old life's) fault.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Mozza, do you want to communicate more with your EX? I handle the kid time with mom the same way you do. I don't tell her what we're up to and I don't ask what they're up to. Ex sends pics and if I reply it's always something simple like "cute". Unless it's a selfie of her with the kids. Those never get a reply.
How do you guys handle birthdays? Events that are attended by people who helped support the Ex?
Hey Closer2. No, I don't want more communication with WW. In fact, she wants more and I cut it off. She'd like to have lunch every now and then. She sends me random emails to which I no longer respond. I only deal with kids stuff and as short as possible. There are three reasons. First is that I trust her as a mom (something more delicate for MCS) and that I don't need to know about every sneezing. It just works and the kids are well taken care of. Second, I just don't have the nerves to meet with her, as it brings down my PMA for several days even if it's just for 15 seconds (happened on Friday). Her presence reminds me all that I lost and makes me look at the past rather than the future. And finally, I don't want to offer her any support. She cut me off, then I'm out. She has to see what life is without me, not with me as a supportive friend, one that exchanges funny emails and reassure her that I'm not mad for instance.
The two birthdays came and went since BD. The first one was 3 days after she moved out, things were different back then (she pretended that there was no OM) and she came over to celebrate with me and a few friends. At the time, I wanted her to spend as much time together and see me in a new light. The second birthday was last month. D7 was with me and I simply did my own thing without involving WW. In fact, WW was a little upset that I was going out of town, meaning that she couldn't see D7 in person on the day. I didn't change my plans, but organized a phone call between the two of them.
If you want more information, let's take it to my thread to no longer hijack that of MCS.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
No problem talking over here. It's all good stuff.
_______
So, I'm at the point I just gotta laugh. Tax Drama
Go to get them done and Tax Prep says going to lose money filing separately. I told her I've been telling WW that. Tax Prep says "You sure you want to do this?"
So I text WW "Sitting at Tax Prep, we are going to lose $$ are you sure?"
No response, MCS starts doing taxes. Tax Prep says MCS probably coming up ahead of where WW is going to be filing separately.
30 minutes later WW texts back "Fine, I don't want to lose $$" MCS tells prep, she looks at me and says "MCS, you'll be coming out better than going together"
MCS texts WW "Can I call?" wait 5 minutes and try calling, she rejects my call
MCS starts doing taxes, again. Tax Prep says "Its better to do it this way, less drama and stress for you."
WW calls. Says she'll give info over phone. Tax Prep says no. WW says she'll fax tomorrow. MCS says "Can you bring it over tonight?" WW then hangs up on MCS.
MCS continues taxes. Tax Prep states again "MCS, I think you're doing the right thing filing separately, its better for you." MCS says, "I know, just trying to keep everything as calm as possible."
Everything gets buttoned up.
MCS walks out to the front to pay. Manager walks out "Mrs. MCS was just on the phone and talked to me and wants to file jointly."
Tax Prep looks at MCS and says 'Your call, but your taxes are already done"
MCS taxes are done. I counted 5 separate times over the last week I emailed her its was going to cost us more $$ (actually cost HER more money.) She still didn't believe me and then hung up on me when I was sitting in front of the Tax Prep. I said to Tax Prep "That's MCS being unreasonable" She just laughed
I'm pretty much done with the games. MCS is looking out for just MCS and the kids right now. Hopefully WW realizes she needs some help.
Last edited by MCS; 04/07/1503:42 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I'm pretty much done with the games. MCS is looking out for just MCS and the kids right now. Hopefully WW realizes she needs some help.
Good. In my mind, I'm no longer on Team WW. I'm on Team Mozza and the Kids. I'm not looking out for her interests, no more than I'm trying to harm her. If the money is better for you separately, then go for it. You've given her a chance and she turned you down. By the way, next time make sure you have the actual information before assuming and extending an offer to WW. You would have saved you a lot of drama by just filing separately based on the knowledge that you were getting more money and that's what she wanted.
This might just be me, but I still get a bit of a desire to control in this tax episode, where you're trying to get WW to communicate your way. You could have let go or just gathered the info and give her a single chance to make a decision, rather than writing five emails and multiple texts, plus calls, perhaps to show her that being in touch is better for everyone. I'm not 100% sure, but I put it out there for you to consider.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
You got me thinking about this. Because in essence I look at it as a microcosm of the whole sitch. I guess I see that the things I'm doing is because I think it's the better, more logical, economical, whatever thing to do. At that point, I stuggle leaving WW be accountable for her own decisions, instead trying to continue to give her 'chances' to make it right (at least right in my Point of View) to compound this, if I use the fact that she told me that she saw me as a 'father' or 'boss' this would be be another example that I pushed my point and tried to convince her she was doing the wrong thing.
I guess your right, she said she didn't want to go, I should have just accepted that and did what was best for me. It's tough, because I don't see any of this as ill-willed or malicious at all, but I guess from a different perspective it would be annoying that I kept give her chances. I guess my MNG was trying to allow her to reconsider in order to try and avoid future conflicts (like when she realizes that this was not the best approach) Im going to the IC tomorrow and I'll see what she has to say.
Thanks for your perspective.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Strange how all 4 of us are about the same age with 2 young kids.
Just goes to show you how we aren't alone in all this.
Our timelines are close as well.
I am now feeling the freedom of detachment. My W however is FURIOUS. She says she hates and can't stand to be around me.
And yet, thanks to DB, the support and wisdom of this forum, I am thankful. I can't imagine what my sitch would be like today had I not stumbled upon the book by accident.
Maybe we all meet up in another life someday. Imagine that.