new member please help!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Depress,

I am so sorry you are here, but this is the best place to be, for a lousy reason...

You said you read the "rules" (which are just guides, and only some apply at times) but you are not actually following many of them I'm afraid.

The biggest one is to NOT show your neediness. It is probably real but it's NOT attractive and the thing is, here,


we advise doing what works in the situation and NOT what does Not work even when it seems counter intuitive.

Know what I mean? DBing will improve your life and your relationship to your h.

I don't know if he'll come back AND if the marriage can be saved. But I tried many different approaches and can say one thing confidently: this is the most likely way to save things.

Start with saving yourself however. Your impatience with the situation AND with your medications is indicative of something. Think about it and consider working on that trait, okay?

The best news you can get from a therapist or counselor is that YOU Have issues to work on. B/c if the counselors tell you that you are a perfect wife and made no mistakes, then you would be powerless to change this. You would literally have nothing "to do" to help the situation.

So yes you WANT to know what to work on, inside you.

Time to dig deep and grow as a woman and become a woman only a fool would leave.

If your h were here, what would HE SAY the marital issues were? What do YOU want to change in yourself?

Not to "get him back" - But to become the best woman you can become?

Hi Lorelai,
I read your thread too. im sorry your here too. my husband and i were inseparable. i mean nothing could have stopped us from seeing each other and now he acts like he doesn't care.

I don't get that^^ from him. I get that he feels confused, and better about himself around the OW, and feels crappy around you. As justified as that probably is, it won't get him home. You want him to second guess his perceptions of you so that he second guesses his choice to leave.

No one comes home AND stays, because of shame. So the guilting him will usually backfire b/c it converts into resentment AT the "cause" of the shame or guilt, which will be YOU unfortunately.

MY DB coach said to do some things that were NOT EASY, but they DID WORK.

1) applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does;

2) Lose the anger, in front of him (meaning, do NOT show him your anger, no matter how provoked you feel. Calm at all costs, absent a life threatening matter).

3) Detach, which requires that you --

4) GAL and I mean, for real. Surely there are some things you missed doing once you had kids or always wanted to do. Take up a hobby or class, JOIN something, volunteer, explore, and do this at least weekly.

It'll make you into a more interesting happy person AND you will meet new people who do not all know your situation and you will obese far LESS B/C your mind will be occupied with the new interesting activity and that will be an attracting trait in you.

5) counter his negative images of you with new positives so he begins to see that his "Data" about you is not valid; it's not real. You are a new, improved woman who is far more like the woman he fell in love with. (EX if he said you are 'always late" then you'd become "Ms Punctual" and you'd arrive on time or early for everything).

IF & WHEN he comes home, there will be things YOU need to do ---like never throw the affair in his face, or hold it over his head. IF he fears that, he won't return.
The angrier you are around him. the less likely he'll be to return even if things with OW do not pan out.

So you need to show him that you two could get past this. OF course if the time comes, there will be things he needs to do to get the trust back from you but it goes both ways. And you are not there yet so we don't need to borrow trouble from tomorrow.

Make sense?

Finally, you do need to see a lawyer asap. The spending of marital assets is harmful to you and the kids.

FYI My h's ordeal cost us 6 figures, and we are in our 50's now and that really stinks. We have our youngest off to college soon, and it would have been nice to pay for it out of pocket from an account that wasn't emptied. Eventually I filed for a legal sep in my state to protect the home from being mortgaged for h to "invest" with his heroes in Alaska. I promise you I am not bitter about it - but I am wiser now. And passing that on, to you.

You need DO nothing but get information at this point but knowledge is power.
I found that knowing my rights just made me feel less terrified and that helped my interactions with him b/c some of our anger is really just fear of being on the streets. Even when it is irrational, it's real.

If your h is really spending that much money on OW (hard to believe everything the 3rd party told you mostly b/c it's very unusual for a man to move into OW's PARENT's home and yet be spending a lot on her and not on his own family.)

But if that is true, YOU have to protect your children until he is awakened by the law or his senses, etc. You can do this without anger. It's just business. Let the lawyer handle that stuff bc it's NOT your job to do that. Keep the financial and legal separate from your interactions with him.



everyday when he comes over to see the kids and leaves i break down and cry. how can this happen. i just want my life back my best friend back. i miss him so much and the pain isn't getting any lighter. i stopped taking the meds. i just hated the feeling. but i will retry it since more ppl have told me it works give it time.

Your impatience with the meds is something to work on. It MIGHT not be the right one for you but you won't know til you have given them 4-6 weeks. Stopping before then and then asking why you don't feel better, isn't fair to the meds or to you. Same for this DB program.

Apply ONE approach to your marital crisis so you don't muddle them. If DBing is not for you, then fine.

But I see a lot of folks spinning in circles doing abut 3-4 conflicting approaches that make them look nutty and inconsistent - and then they get upset and say "Nothing is working!!" when in reality - they have tried nothing, well.

Know what I mean?

This marriage crisis is the hardest thing you've ever gone through and i know what you mean. But you will have to imagine the most patience you have ever had with something (Potty training? Algebra??) and then

multiply it by 100...same for your timeline. Check my timeline and prepare for the long haul. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

You seem to think this will get fixed and your life will "come back" in a few weeks or months and you question why why why why WHY he is doing this. (I wasted a year of my life asking that, and it's a year I'll never get back). AND

That question has no "satisfying" answer!!

Work on you - b/c you are the only person in this situation that you control.

When you fully grasp this^^^, it'll be a life changing moment for you. There will be no more attempts to control him.

You may need to release him to his "mission" b/c honey, you are not really holding onto him anyhow.

Make sense?



have been reading the book divorce remedy. I've been going dark, only call or text if its about the kids. when i go out i just want to come home. i dont want to leave my shell. i hate going out cause i see other families together and it hurts more..

I'll make some suggestions about GAL a bit later. Take in what people are telling you.

Seriously...listen, read, and process this. Dig Deep.

Stop focusing on your pain and focus on what you CAN DO.

I've been there. It gets better. When? When you make it better.

And trust me when I say that the news that this is ultimately up to you

is wonderful news. He may not come back. But if he died, would you lay down forever in the fetal position?

FINAL SUGGESTION....an exercise for you to do. Please give this a try. 5 minutes.

Imagine he had died and a few years had passed. The years had passed, and your pain had eased & your life was a fulfilling one.

So you are without him * but you are happy....what would that look like?

Would you move? Where? What type of job would you have? OR would you go back to school first? And study what?

Imagine your new/old hobbies that you are involved in.

What are they? Do you travel much? Are you different than now? How so? Calmer or more focussed? More organized? Less rigid?

Okay so, your h is gone and you are happy...

what of those things can you do NOW?

Your pain is real & deep, but it's not fatal and it's not eternal. It gets better.

I promise.