W said in the beginning of the separation, that a divorce is not a big deal for the kids. Financially she was convinced that it would be the same standard of living as before. She was not open to the real costs of a divorce, because she lives in a romantic fantasy world. For the first time in month she seems to discover that there are downsides to a divorce. I don't want to feed her idea of a painless divorce. I don't want to keep all the problems of the separation away from her. Right now I am stubborn, because I have invested so many weekends and weeks in her dream to become a therapist. For years I have supported her in any possible way. But all those years does not count anymore. I am her babysitter while she buys new underwear for someone else? Sorry folks, I am emotionally quiet sore at the moment.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
I am reading a couple of books at the moment and one is about the different needs H and W have in a marriage. I see that I have not satisfied all of her needs. I have my part in an unhappy marriage and I take full responsibility for this fact. But I believe, that it is disrespectful to throw a 20yr M away, without trying to fix it. As I have said, I can see her trouble and that she felt trapped in our M. But it is a mixture of different causes, that have led to the situation. My W thought, that it was just me, who was the problem. Once I would leave, her life would be great. She did not even question this thought once and she might still believe it. But guess what? Although I have left, she is still exhausted all of the time, she has still problems taking care of her money, she is still arguing with the kids and she still has to find a new job. She is not a happy person right now. She probably blames it on me, who knows? I have no idea, what she is thinking.
One thing that feels good right now is, that I take care of myself as good as possible. There are days when I loose it and be grumpy and angry, but there are days when I am stable and not attached to her. Today it is middle ground. I try not to get manipulated by her behaviour and words and I try not to manipulate her.
Regarding her training weekend, I have not made a decision yet. The kids would love to be with them, they have already told me.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
I have to explain my sitch a bit more. I our M my wife messed up things from time to time (we all do). Most of the time she asked other people to clean the mess up. When she caused financial trouble, she expected me to solve the problem. When she messed up with a contract, she expected me to make the necessary phone calls. When she made bad decisions, she asked me to help her with the problem. I always did and did so, because I love her and I am her husband. Since her childhood, she had always someone who kept the consequences of her decisions away from her. In this area of her life she still behaves like a little girl, that can always rely on her father (but wants to be treated like a mature woman). I love my kids, but I do not want to be the solution to W problems ("What to do with the kids on the next weekend?"). Usually she would spent the 3 days away from home and when she came back, everyone was fine and we welcomed her back with a cake or a nice meal. And that happened for yrs. Yes, I am stubborn, because she does not appreciate, that I have invested in her dream for yrs. She has not given any good reason yet, why she will not work on this M. She wants me to be supportive, but gives a rat*******s about the M. She wants a soft divorce.
What should I do? Build a smooth path for her into her new relationship?
I just needed to let go off the steam a bit. It is not mature, but I hope you can understand my frustration.
Last edited by koalada; 04/05/1507:58 AM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
W and I had a phone conversation regarding S16 birthday tomorrow. She was cold and short with words. She might be upset because of the money or me not supporting her therapist training weekend. And I was very close to apologize and do everything to make her feel good. But I did not.
My normal path would have been to speak soft and offer her any help she needs. That would have felt natural to me. I am not good in seeing her in a bad mood. I always feel the desire to jump in and do everything that makes her day better. But I have made the decision to become a man with balls and with a straight and confident talk. I do not want to be afraid of her moods any longer.
She once said to me, that she admired couples that would argue hard about stuff and that she wished we would have been more like them. But every time I took a firm stand on my position and talked straight to her, she could not stand it. She became upset and left the room or moved the conversation to "emotions" and then any argument was useless.
Please help me on this. I have two hearts beating in my chest. One is willing to take a firm stand. If she wants to live without me and if I am not worth to work on this M, than she have to deal with her problems alone. I will focus on the children, but no more mister nice or best friend.
The other heart wants to show her, how caring and supportive I can be. That she can rely on me, if she needs me and that I am the one man in her life that will always be there for her.
I am very confused and I guess you can read that fact in and between the lines.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
Koala..... I feel ya on the two hearts thing. One side of you wants to be hard and firm and show that you won't take things sitting down. And the other side just wants to be giving and gentle and help her in any way possible.
I wonder if its possible to be both? Be firm and supportive? But not overly firm and overly supportive so to not seem overbearing or like a weakling.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
BW911 I do not know if it is possible. My emotions are like a pendulum.
Today was S16 birthday and she was friendly but distant. She is just reading a book about mars venus and starting all over. Does anyone ever heard about it? It was also important to her to have her phone with her all the time.
I am full of sadness. A deep f****ing sadness, that I have not felt for many yrs. She lied to me and the therapist about her "reasons" why she did not want to work on this M. This sh** about "if I stay in this M, I will end up in the same situation as I was with my schizophrenic mother". It is all BS. She fell in love with another man, lied about it, made up false reasons, blamed me for everything and now she is reading self help books to make her feel better about her decision. It is anger and sadness and I feel totally trapped in this sitch. I can do nothing about it, but watch her tearing down a M of 20yrs, because she "fell in love". I mean she is a mature woman with tree kids and she thinks and behaves like a teenager.
I am so angry right now and sad at the time. It is intense right now and it [censored] out all of my energy. Does it really help? GAL and detachment?
Last edited by koalada; 04/06/1507:09 PM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
"She is just reading a book about mars venus and starting all over. Does anyone ever heard about it?"
Yes. You should read it also to give you an insight as to what she's thinking.
"She lied to me and the therapist about her "reasons" why she did not want to work on this M. This sh** about "if I stay in this M, I will end up in the same situation as I was with my schizophrenic mother".It is all BS."
That's not entirely true. From reading your story at the beginning, you can see how the marriage started falling apart long before the OM came into play. You both played a part in it.
"I am so angry right now and sad at the time. It is intense right now and it [censored] out all of my energy. Does it really help? GAL and detachment?"
Yes it does. You actually have to do it and get rid of the resentment and anger you have going on right now. It's hard but it can be done.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have never argued the point, that I have my part in this mess. I do recognise my part and I take full responsibility. But the A was her decision. I can even understand her "falling in love". But should I just give up and say: "It is all my fault, that you fell in love"? Is it not enough to blame myself for my part of this mess? Should I also take the responsibility for the A? We talk about 20yrs of living together and most of the yrs were good. Am I so wrong when I think, that this should be dealt with more respect toward the partner?
I am convinced, that the A is her main reason for breaking up. It was the wrong man at the wrong moment, meeting her needs for affection and romance.
And yes, sometimes a straight talk is helpful, but right now it just feeds the pain. Sorry, but I am quiet touchy at the moment. Please do not get me wrong.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
"I am convinced, that the A is her main reason for breaking up. It was the wrong man at the wrong moment, meeting her needs for affection and romance"
Hi Koalada
I think in terms of responsibility, it's important to take a balanced view. Your W's decision to cheat is hers alone. There were more constructive options she could have taken, but she chose to take the destructive step of having an A. That is on her.
However, as you say above, she had unmet needs for affection and romance. And I think this is what you can perhaps reflect on. What were the unmet needs, and what was your part in that. Because your W became vulnerable to an A as a result. And as is often the case with A's, he could pretty much have been anyone. He just happened to be around at a point she was feeling low.
So, I think it is best to be clear about what is 'yours' and 'hers' in responsibility terms. And you can then think about your own areas, and how you may want to change or improve.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots: at the moment it is difficult for me to meet those needs. I am torn between the "tough love" approach from the LBHS of a wayward wife thread and the wish to show her, that I care for her, appreciate her and show her my love. How can I meet the need for affection and romance while practising "tough love"?
I am for the first time in a sitch like this and I feel like stranded on a faraway island without any idea where I am and what to do to survive on this island. Please be patient with me. I will have better days, but today it is tough.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
