...and another WAS

[MrBond]

"Other people reminded me that it is unlikely that I was 100% to blame. “What did you do?” I treated her badly. “Why?” “But you didn't used to be such a prick, what happened”. I have discussed this already but can repeat if you wish. I wish I had’ve reacted differently, but that’s where I was at the time."

Other people's opinions don't matter because they aren't in the relationship. Just you and your W. Plus they only hear your side of things and not from your W, so all of the OPINIONS of others are just rubbish.

"I did push my own agenda to some degree, but really no more than anyone does."

Again minimizing your issues and making them seem "natural" rather than taking responsibility.

"Paranoiacally though I wonder if I started the R with her because I could control her (being young and naaive),"

Probably.

"BUT one thing that came out in aftermath of BD was how I pushed her to increase her command of English and awareness of current affairs etc. I witnessed many times in our early years people taking advantage of her naivety and I just wanted her to stand up for herself."

You're her husband not her father.

"She was not stupid, and it wasn't being fair on herself to let people form that opinion. And they did, I know this for a fact. Now look what i’ve done, I’ve created a monster. Thats what i meant by mentor, and actually she used the term, not me."

Which is why it's worse. The fact that through your actions you acted like a teacher and father to her more than a husband.

"She was a pig, she’ll admit that."

She may admit that but how would she appreciate you telling others that she's a pig? I have NEVER called my W a "pig". It's demeaning and AGAIN shows the lack of respect you have of her.

"She was a young 20. I was an old 30. In no way was it a fault. An incompatibility perhaps."

Seriously? An "incompatibility"? You said she was a pig. That's just disrespectful. And the fact that you state it as a "matter of fact" shows that you really don't see how that is a reflection of how you really see her.

"All of those faults were trivial anyway in comparison. The real pain started when she admitted that I wasn’t a high priority for her."

From what you described, it was easy to see why she felt that way.

"Several years ago while I was immersed in my PhD, she wanted to leave me. She went away for a week, I made a big effort, and we were OK again. I felt we were back there, and just recently she admitted we were."

You put in "effort" to get her back without any lasting changes. So when things went back to normal, you reverted back to how you were before and she left again.

"It certainly comes across that way ATM. And there are elements of that in my bad treatment of her in recent times, and now. I have no patience with her."

That's evident.

"After the last three months I would bet my life that you cant hurt my feelings. I wish I could talk to my wife about what she thinks. In aftermath of BD she asked me why I love her. "

It's not the intention of the posters here to "hurt" your feelings. It's to make you look at yourself objectively and to see where you REALLY need to make lifelong changes. Some people don't like what they see in the mirror and end up getting defensive, saying we're wrong, etc. Believe me, there's very little we haven't seen on these boards.

"I asked her the same and among responses was that I had always listened to her and acted on any of her concerns. I admit that I lost that."

Again, that's fairly evident. But you have to get rid of your ego for good and then you won't lose that.