You don't have to be needy, but in some little ways let him know that he is needed. Like asking him to do something that you are very capable of doing, but like the way he does it better.
Just little things to build his ego, to kind of help him to start seeing himself in a better light. So that he can move past all this anger that he has at himself. You know how you felt when you accomplished something for the first time. What a boost that was to your self-esteeme.
You are right, he did do all those things to you and trust me, he is paying every day in his own thoughts for what he did. He is reaping what he has sown and no, you can't take that away from him because he has to learn the lesson.
Yet there are simple ways that maybe you can help boost his self-esteeme so that he can start looking at things through a different pair of glasses. Kind of what you had to do when he first left. You know how you go through the time of blaming yourself for everything. Not having a real high opinion of yourself and so on.
To be honest with you, sometimes I think that he is jealous of the relationship that you have with your son. That is not your fault, but is just something that they go through.
You are so confused, because this is no longer familiar territory to you. He is going through so much right now and in many ways it is similar to the beginning and then in many other ways it is not. Instead of running out on you guys, he is right there with you guys going through it all.
Searching for the answer to the thing that is going to make him happy and you know as well as I do that the only thing that will help him is getting with the Lord and working through this. Just like you did. So keep praying for that.
This is going to even take you some time to get through and work through. You were detached from him for so long and now you are having to learn different things again. Remember, this is a brand new marriage and a brand new relationship.
T2, Deb, KAW and Minnie, pity party is coming to end. Thank you for the hugs they really helped!
KAW I think you were are right on with me doubting myself today. I guess when I see people post how their S is treating them, my blood boils, too. I'm being as strong as I can be right now and that's the best I can do--for now.
H doesn't like himself I know that, I know why he says the things he says as a reaction to the things I say--he feels left out and that I don't think of him when making plans. I have been working on this, slowly and sometimes I think I sabotage myself by doing what doesn't work--old habits.
And it's not that he is like this all of the time. There are a lot of good things that come from him, too.
I just needed to lay down my burdens for awhile and rest, cry for myself, dry my tears and pick them back up and carry on. Knowing that I don't have to do it alone.
H called me later this morning. Told me he wasn't having the best day today. This is a first, that he shared that with me. A guy (23) he works with was killed last night in a car wreck and another guy (h's age)he works with has cancer that was treated and now has invaded his whole body. We're both having bad days I guess
Cathy is feeling better and the sobbing has stopped. I don't know what comes over me!
Quote: Like you, I let people run over me, it is my nature, it is who I am!
Well at least I'm not alone. It's not till I'm left laying in the road and they're long gone that I realize "hey you just insulted me!" and then it's too late to give the perfect response. .
Cathy, Had one of those days yesterday myself and it spilled over until today... maybe its because we have more good days than bad and the bad days really knock you off balance.
I was wondering about you and your H when I was in the shower this morning... do you think your H needs some reassurance when he asks the questions regarding "are you glad I came home" "why do you put up with me" all that stuff.
Would it be a 180 to say "H I love you, I am so glad you came home. I am really glad you are here and I really don't want you to leave again."? Just some words of affirmation? Cause it sounds like a little boy wanting to know where his momma is and if she really loves him or if she is going to treat him like he treated her.
JMHO
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thank you so much for your kind words and as usual everything you write makes so much sense.
And, this isn't familar territory, you are so right. I know it's a new R, but until OW is out of the picture completely then things are going to be slow.
I realize there is a history between the two, they are both human and H will have thoughts of OW as OW will of H.
The reason I never wanted to see OW or have anything to do with her is I didn't want to think of her as a real person, as being human.
I will pray for both of them, deep down inside I know she knew that it wouldn't last, was trying to convince herself otherwise and now she has to deal with reality. I hope that she can find the peace that I found during my H's absence. Then and only then will she find true happiness.
Hey, here on the BB, you can have a pity-party anytime you want! It's your party and you can cry if you want to! LOL
Quote: Well at least I'm not alone. It's not till I'm left laying in the road and they're long gone that I realize "hey you just insulted me!" and then it's too late to give the perfect response. .
You took the words right out of my mouth! Amazing, are we related! LOL!
I think you are great, Cathy! And don't let anyway say otherwise! Ok, let them, but know I'm here blowing your horn!
I am glad that your H opened up to you about his bad day at work. And while this may seem rather strange, this may open a new line of communication for you.
The reason I say this is because my H had something like this happen at his work (a direct report's son killed himself) and he opened up to me about it.
That led to a reconnect on our part and led us to for the first time and you know what that's been like for us since!
If you get a chance, ask your H if there is anything you can do to help and ask how the death and impending death (as morbid as that sounds but if the cancer has spread it could be a matter of weeks) are being handled at his workplace.
Tell him you are there to listen to him and support him. Guys don't deal with death well in my experience and to see someone one day and they are gone the next is hard, but to watch a co-worker lose their battle with cancer is an even greater test.
Another thing to think about, is that he may act out a bit as he considers his own mortality. If he brings it up, tell him that you love him and want him around to grow old together and to play with your own grandkids. That is why you get concerned when he drinks and drives or has more than a few drinks each time he goes out.
A lot to think about I know. But I saw a huge door opened in our relationship and my H turned to me for comfort. I suspect yours may do the same.
You are amazing. You deserve every minute of your upcoming vacation. I hope that you can find something that your H would join you in doing. Since the opener is the same week, maybe you can get a cabin somewhere and go take your S fishing and stuff. I'll Yahoo you another suggestion of an inexpensive place that we have gone near you.
Have a great day - you got past an icky one yesterday, I'm sorry I wasn't on here for you.
You really are an inspiration!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Quote: Another thing to think about, is that he may act out a bit as he considers his own mortality.
And I think this is what happened last night.
Here we go again folks! The "DRAMA CONTINUES" that the name of my story.
I’m hesitant to post about last night, but I will since other perspectives might see what I am missing. It's nonstop excitement
H called to let me know he wouldn’t be picking S up from daycare. I said fine, he was headed to drink. Wouldn’t tell me where HE was going, but I figured it out. I’m so smart aren’t I?? LOL
About 9ish last night I get a call from H. He’s too drunk to drive, says he’s going to OW’s house since it’s closer to where he is at. I said why are you going there and where are you? H wouldn’t say, but again said he’s going there. I told him to come home. “home where is that” he says. In mind I’m thinking I need to go pick H up, but if he’s way over by OW. I had no control over what H was going to do.
H also asked what I kept forgiving him? I didn’t have a chance to respond as he moved onto why he moved back home. To try to make our marriage work and that he didn't want to end up like another couple we know, they drink and fight all the time.
H then starts talking about all the stuff that happened to cause his unhappiness at home, why he left, how it just happened with H and OW. I mostly listened, he’s still living the past. How he wasn’t happy for three years, blah, blah, blah.
Questioned why when he was drunk did he go to OW. That when he’s drunk he wants to be with her, but when he sober comes to me and S. That maybe his unconscious is telling him he’s meant to be with OW?
Also went into how OW is a good person, but people are giving her a hard time about their R. OW’s having a hard time right now, from what other people are saying. I listened again as it seems THEY as OW/H just don’t get it. And that OW loves my H.
H shared that OW told H that she wanted him to be happy and that he should move on with his life. Well of course she’s telling H to move on, she has no clue as to what my H’s unhappiness is really all about. Move on/in with her is what she means.
I said he needs to make a decision and go with it and then live his life. H then went on to say it is on his mind all the time, what should he do, what should he do. At one point said he just wanted to shoot himself and I said well then you need to get help if you feel that way. That he wasn’t happy.
I said to H “so what you’re saying if you’re with us or OW you’re still not going to be happy and H said “right.”
I eventually asked him again where he was and he told me in the parking lot of bar which is closer to OUR house than OW’s. H said I’m sitting here deciding where I’m going. I said so where are you going? H wouldn’t say.
We then got into a discussion about how I couldn’t control our S and it seems like that’s a big reason H is staying with us. Yes I do have a hard time with S, but in thinking back over the last year, S’s life hasn’t been that stable and this is what S needs the most. Stability, a father who is going to be there every night, not drinking and then coming home and disrupting S’s bedtime and S’s life.
Eventually said he had to go as he was driving and hung up. So I’m thinking, this is the end of he goes to OW’s then that is where he’s meant to be. I was feeling stronger by then and also tired of all of this nonsense of his.
Then S said he wanted to wait up till dad got home and I’m thinking dad won’t be home, so I told S he was going to be late and that he should go to bed. S asked if he could sleep with me and I said yes that would be fine.
I was doing something in the kitchen about five minutes after H hung up heard the garage door open and it’s H. He had been driving home the whole time he had been talking to me.
When he walks in the door I gave him a hug, told H I didn’t care if he wanted one or not. H didn’t hug me back, but I didn’t care.
H was being a real Horse A** last night as he is when he’s been drinking. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
For those who made it to the end of this post, please help me....
Cathy
P.S. Lot of praying today. Yesterday I was just lost emotionally and now today I'm stronger again. Found my footing and my purpose.
He came home. I know it seems like a mind game they play with us, but I don't beleive they think that way. sounds more like he was expressing his confusion.
Will he go to counseling for the drinking? It really sounds like that may help.
Just a thought... Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
. 
for the first time and you know what that's been like for us since!
