Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Had a fun filled weekend with the kids. I really cherish my time I get to spend with them. Unfortunately the more time I spend with them the more upset I get about the D.

I think the time my attitude started to shift was the last month before the D when my youngest wasn't feeling well and wanted me to lay in bed with him while he fell asleep. I just remember holding back tears because I would no longer be able to do this every night. I was being robbed of half of the time I can spend with my kids and be their father.

Recently I have been missing companionship. When the kids are gone and I am home at night I missing having that someone there to talk to and share with.

I have been angry and jealous at the XW lately still. I am harboring resentment that she dropped all we had for OM and is moving forward with her life, or so it seems as I am just mind reading. She does not have a mortgage or rent payment, gets child support from me, just cashed in a healthy amount of money from selling our home, bought a new car last Friday, and has all sorts of travel plans every other weekend because she is kid free. Just venting but it seems life will not be showing her consequences any time soon. She will not struggle and right now my opinion is that I want her life to turn to sh!t.

All in all I have been doing well. Had a little get together last Wednesday. A couple friends and my brother came over and we grilled some burgers and my brother, a barber, gave some haircuts. A good friend and I ended up talking about women and relationships long into the night. I shared how the XW had an exit plan and has OM. He agreed that most people don't leave without going to someone else or something else. He said that I was a good guy and most people are shocked at her leaving me.

We also talked about still having feelings for our exes. I told him I would try to have another R with her, not soon, but sometime in the future. I don't want to hold out for it but I admitted that there will always be that connection we have and it would be hard not to turn down a chance to build a new R with her in the future. He has the same thing with an XGF he had for about 5 years.

We talked about how it is tough to think about the things that could have changed or we could have changed and maybe things would be different.

All in all my emotional state is getting better. I am feeling stronger, but still have anger at the XW.

On my pinterest feed I will see things she pins every now and then and some are love or life quotes and they will sometimes send me off. Things like "Love doesn't hurt, loving the wrong person does". It gets me to mind read and picture her is relationship bliss and happy with her life. Makes me feel she got all she wanted in her little plan.

At times I think I should remove her from my feed but I think seeing some of this stuff hammers home the reality that she is in love with OM and I need to figure out my side of the D.

When I do things with the kids I take pictures, she does too. She has been pretty free and sharing pictures with me, but I haven't. I have been thinking why. The first reason is I don't think she has the right to get my pictures and she has left and I want her to miss out on the things I do with them; I want her to be punished. The second is I feel what the kids and I do together is our stuff and she has no right to it. Still working on these feelings and my actions about this.