hold on! - 9

[u-turn]

I am looking forward to my IC - I'm not exactly sure what to expect - I have not done this before. I hope that this person is right for me, her name was given to me by a trusted friend (who is also a counselor). I am hoping this is a new path for me to start healing.

S20 came over for easter dinner and it went really well. I masterfully grilled chicken & ribs and had fun doing that. I feel really good about S20 coming back - I know that when he sees W & my next step, it may be a set back for him (it obviously is going to be difficult for everyone). Though I still see and have heard that he is really only interested in having a relationship with me and not so much his mother.

I am going to vent: I have a hard time being in the same place with W these days. I feel like a stranger in my own house when she's there. Though she wants to act like a happy family - and hide the problems to the kids, I have found myself not being able to do this (this annoys w - but this is the only way I am able to achieve any sort of detachment) - Sadly, I do not even interact with the kids while she is. It is like we take turns with them (by my choice). I know this is something we will all have to get used to, but it seems odd to do this while still being in the same house.

- I did not hold my tongue about the "gift" from OM. I told her that this proves that she does not care about my boundaries. She is surprised that I think this is a problem.

I cannot see going forward with the person that she has become. I don't think that I even like her anymore. This is what hurts me. The realization that I have fought for a long time (much of it in the wrong way) is wearing me down. She has told me that she wanted to come back, but I do not believe her. Her actions do not show this. Even if she figured this out and somehow convinced me that she was indeed going to do the right thing, I don't know if I want it - can trust it for the long term.

I know that I love my kids and will do anything for them, but I don't know if I feel this way about W any more. I feel like I am turning into a WAH and this hurts.

(I believe she is worried that I am going to out her to everyone - OMW, her work, family) and I believe (mind reading - due to a text message that I think was to go to OM) that she is warning OM that this may be coming and to be nervous about it.