Abuse... Mainly it was emotional like Sherman333. We would argue and he would call me names, awful ones too. The problem is that it wasn't like that until things really started going down hill. I would pinpoint that back to 2006 right after his first emotional affair with his ex-childhood friend and girlfriend who lives in CA. Probably why it never got physical though if they were closer I know they would have.
That type of betrayal hurts so much. Just as much as the actual deed of cheating on someone. And after that let's just say I was not a nice person and I know that played into the dynamics of our relationship a lot. The less I did cause I was angry, betrayed, and hurt the worse our relationship was. By 2009, things were really getting bad (you all know that this doesn't happen overnight, it is usually years in the making and most often at least 5) and he was caught in another emotional affair. It started out of course innocent, he was upset when he came into the bank about one of our arguments and she having done business with him for years asked him if he was alright that something seemed off. He started talking to her about our problems so he could get a "woman's perspective". After a few months of talking back and forth across the counter, she was getting ready to quit her job to be a stay at home mom. Daycare costs apparently were killing them and most of her paycheck went toward those so her and her husband (also having marital problems) decided maybe she could stay at home and save them some money and that would give her more time to spend with the kids and her husband. So when she left they exchanged phone numbers. I don't know if there was anything wrong about that relationship other than he hid it from me. I didn't get the feeling that it was more than friendship but in my mind, I didn't care. If he was hiding it then something was wrong about the relationship. It took me a long time to realize that my continued reaction to the 2006 emotional affair was why he decided not to tell me about it. And it was innocent from what I can tell from the text messages that I did read (ones he showed me and others that I recovered, I'm in IT there isn't much that you can erase that I can't retrieve).
In defense of his 2006 emotional affair. Let me paint a picture for you. I started full-time in May of 2004 on my BS degree. I had quit my full-time decent paying job to go to school full-time. I had always wanted to go to school and my husband wanted me to be able to make more money so he didn't have to work so hard. I went in with a plan to graduate with a BS in computer science with a minor in marketing in 2 years. My advisor thought I was nuts but he let me try. My first summer semester I took 6 classes. Most people take maybe 2-3 classes. Then in the Fall, I had 22 credit hours and the spring 23 credits... and so on. I took a part time job at Home Depot to pay for my car payment, gas, and books not covered by my financial aid and loans. My last semester was January 2006 and by that time, I was really ready to be done and I had really leaned on my husband a lot. He helped cook, clean, took care of kids when I needed to do homework or study, etc. My last semester, I had 24 credit hours, an internship, a work study where I worked 20 hours a week, and I still worked part time usually around 30-35 hours a week at the home depot. I was swamped. I maintained that last semester on no-doze to the point I was sure that I really needed to buy stock in the company. I was working hard to get through school and ended up graduating with a triple major all in computer science: information systems, internet and web technology, and database administration. All that I had put into getting my degree in as little time as possible took time away from my family. My husband and I barely maintained a conversation because I was always busy doing something and what little time I did have was usually spent with the kids leaving no time for my husband and I. Looking back, I honestly don't blame him for reaching out to his old friend after she called out of the blue. That is my acceptance and healing. You have to acknowledge the issues you had in a situation and you have to evaluate your own role in those issues. That is the only way to truly forgive and to learn from your mistakes.
From there, I just stopped everything. This was also about the time that my pain started in my abdomen. I had already had my gall bladder removed and my kidneys, liver everything else was good. But something was definitely going on in my reproductive organs. They went in with the intention to take out my fallopian tubes and ended up also cutting away endometriosis too.
Pain associated with that was so bad. There were days when it was at its worst usually around ovulation and the days that proceeded it leading up to my monthly period that I could barely walk, stand, sit, sleep... It was awful. This pain went on for two years because I couldn't get through to my husband. I had spent so many years pushing him away that now that I needed him he didn't want anything to do with me. I can't really answer why it took him so long to realize that I really needed the surgery. I can say that I told him what I needed but it didn't really sink in until I made him go to an appointment with me. I finally had the surgery not too long ago. They removed both tubes and a good deal of my uterus due to the endometriosis. I still don't understand why they didn't just take the whole thing.
But being out of pain, it helped me to see a lot of things much more clearly. But by then, so much damage had been done in our relationship and I had gained so much weight that I was overwhelmed with what I needed to do and just didn't know where to start at all.
But as for physical, in over 12 years of marriage and altogether 15 years he never laid a hand on me. And he didn't in that last argument either he went to swing at me and diverted and punched his fist into his own palm. In front of my face... So yes, it scared me. I thought for sure he would hit me. And if we kept fighting like we were it was going to be inevitable.
Yes, I am seeing an IC. Between the DB stuff and the IC, it has been an interesting journey. So, you ask why I keep holding on and why I still want to reconcile and that is why.
The IC helped me find a starting point. I started with overhauling the food in the house. I had gotten so lazy that most of what was in the house was prepackaged, boxed, etc. I started with eating healthy again.
The next thing I did was walk away when arguments turned to name calling before I said stuff that I would regret. It didn't always happen this way I would sometimes fall into the trap but I would say at least 90% of the time, I would go for a walk, take a drive, etc.
I was really trying. I had a plan for the first time in years to save myself and my marriage. That one fight was a breaking point because never have I ever been scared it would turn physical. My first relationship was very physically abusive. It didn't take me long to get away (almost a year and a half) and I vowed I would never let it get to that point in a relationship again. That fight brought back all those ugly memories. I couldn't fathom letting my relationship get to the point that my first relationship was at from the start. I had an IC after that relationship to help me work through the actual physical abuse in that relationship.
The argument with my husband before I asked him to leave. It was just like what it was like in the beginning of my relationship with my daughter's father the only difference being I had such low self esteem and no hope for a future when I met him and this time around, I knew from that experience that as soon as it escalates to that point if something doesn't change and quick it will turn physically ugly. Maybe it wouldn't have but after my first experience, I was not willing to try it.
We hashed through our assets, we both were upset at times but it wasn't like the arguing we used to have. I know a lot of that is because I tried to approach this as an opportunity for a 180. I don't think I succeeded though only time will tell. I don't think there were times because I lost my cool a little a few times. I had to take a walk around the garden several times before I really came unglued. But we were able to sit at the kitchen table together and hash out all the finances.
This morning, I paid him a compliment. I thanked him for his generosity in leaving me this house. He is keeping our lake house vacation home and I am keeping this house. This house is the stable home my 16 year old daughter grew up in and the only home that our 6 year old knows. But this house was bought in 1997 by my husband and he spent the last almost 18 years working his butt off to renovate it and pay it off. I helped do a lot of that but ultimately it was his house long before it was mine.
Maybe it is hard to understand, but with my IC I am working through a lot of why things happened what my part was in it and I'm discovering that I am not faultless by any means. He may not want to realize his part in this mess and he certainly isn't willing to work on it but I can at least appreciate the healing that I am getting by coming to these realizations. Before I kicked him out of the house all I could think was well if he had just done X we wouldn't be here and now I have shifted my thinking because I now know had I of done better regardless of the circumstances then we wouldn't be here today.
