This is a crazy juggling act we're doing. One hand is trying to save our M and the other is trying to save ourselves. Perhaps the best thing is to leave it up to God and pray our butts off. I know that I have become much more spiritual through this mess. So far it has helped me with me and, maybe in the long run, my M.
I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds with the following. Does your little guy see your H treating you with disrespect? If so, I would be concerned about that.
Cathy, take care and if you want to e-mail me you can at Plumbar8@aol.
Hugs,
Mary
"God, help me keep my head up, my heart open, and know I'll always be guided along the path."
I am sorry your having a bad day. I wouldn't fret so much as what to do but keep doing what your doing. I think that being able to talk things out with H instead of sweeping them under the rug would be helpful. Learning how to state something without the arguement, anger, and that but discussing that it does hurt your feelings when he says stuff like that. To put it on the table and deal with it and put it behind you.
But I wouldn't act a way but be who you are and not focused on his drama. Your doing good by taking yourself out of it. Much better then I would. Maybe the next time you take a week off, first ask H if he may want to do something on that week so you can take it off. Like you were thinking of him too. He may of felt put out in a way by you not asking him and in return instead of saying how he really felt jabbed what he thought would be more hurtful to show how he felt.
Ow is just an escape and it would never last. Its fulfilling some need that he is wanting. My guess is communication. This is something that takes some time and work at how to communicate the right way. Yes, sometimes it takes some anger but to state what your upset about and then drop it. Not dwell on it or beat it to death but to state how it made you feel when it was said or done to you.
And then again he could be more mad at himself then anyone and doesn't know how to express himself or say it in the right way. If he is anything like mine is, he will change like night and day. Mine stopped drinking so it isn't so bad. And then what I say sinks in after I say what I need to and go away. Leave him to think about it. But with drinking, it gives that I don't give a darn attitude and its much harder to deal with. Eventually he will see for himself. Right now your his rock. Just thinking.....but have you ever just greeted him when he came home with hugs and kisses? Not waited for him to talk but started up a conversation first?
You know you are going to have days like this, hon. They come with the territory! Unfortunately!
Just be you, don't be someone else. If you don't like what your H says just tell him. Don't be a doormat.
It sounds like he is a child begging for attention, like you don't have enough on your plate. Yea, it is like a juggling act. M is not easy, thats for sure.
I'd say treat yourself, you are so busy trying to make everyone else happy, you have forgotten about doing little things that make you happy!
So take a deep breath, and do something for you! If you don't you are going to fall apart! Have your cry, nothing wrong with that!
You know T2, most of my freinds don't talk that way to me, BUT I do get picked on as I am an easy target. I can laugh at myself. Then again some of my freinds are very upfront with their feelings and I just let them slide right over me. I like honesty in people even if I don't want to hear it. The thing is with my friends when they do cross the line, they know it and come back with an apology and I do the same thing.
When H and I were in birthing classes five years ago the instructor went around the room and asked each person what qualities of the S they would most like the child to have and my H said "I hope child has my wife's easy going nature"
Maybe I am a doormat to EVERYBODY, not just my H.
And, yes he does hurt my feelings. Right now he claims to have no feelings for me so if I tell him he hurt my feelings he's not going to care anyways.
He won't hug me, he won't be there for me right now. My S's hugs can only go so far and there are days when I need some bigger arms around me.
H rarely wants to take vacation with me. His hunting trips are his vacation. If H does take vacation with me H wants me to pay for it..and I don't agree with that. It's like he'll go on vacation with me, but I have to pay. His hunting trips he doesn't have a problem paying megabucks. So I feel like I have to pay him to go with me..how does that make me feel?
Quote: Maybe the next time you take a week off, first ask H if he may want to do something on that week so you can take it off. Like you were thinking of him too. He may of felt put out in a way by you not asking him and in return instead of saying how he really felt jabbed what he thought would be more hurtful to show how he felt.
I do need to consider H when making plans to do things. I do just "tell" him rather than include him in the decision making process. I do need to work on the wording.
Quote: If he is anything like mine is, he will change like night and day.
Yep..that's my H!
I called him this morning at work. He was busy, S was acting up so I had to handle him while on the phone with H. H WANTED TO KNOW WHY I WAS CALLING HIM WHILE I WAS DEALIGN WITH SON AND THAT H WAS BUSY!!
So I said I'd call H back. I dropped S off at daycare called H back and H yelled why do you call me when you're trying to deal with S. I said S was watching TV so I thought it was safe to call and then S started acting up. H said DON'T CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO DEAL WITH SON, YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! For one thing I don't. He was yelling at me on the phone, he's in a rotten mood, he's busy at work and so I shouldn't call him. Then why is his stupid cell phone on to begin with? If he's that busy why did he answer the phone, to yell at me!
I wanted to ask him to do something with me Friday night. He said no you said you were working so work. I then said you don't want to do anything with me then? H said you're working. I don't want to work now, I'd rather watch a basketball game with my H. I didn't know this game was on till after I offered to work. It's not my regular job so I could get out of it.
ARGGHHH..."I need a vacation from my life" heard this one on the radio this morning.
You are a woman with a heart as big as TEXAS. You're H's pattern of manipulative and degrading commentary is HIS insecurities bounced off those around him. I truly get the sense that what he says to you is almost as if he's speaking aloud to himself.
Your H is a guy that really doesn't like himself AT ALL. He finds it amazing and unbelieveable that someone like YOU could ever love an 'unloveable person' like him.
He says things to get in the first shot...he's like a boxer pulling a sucker punch in the ring hoping to bring his opponent down before the match can get started.
You SEE where your H's garbage is coming from...so you're way ahead of the game.
He desperately needs to help himself because there's no way on God's green earth that YOU can help fix what's wrong with him.
How long you're willing to wait and whether or not waiting is the best for you and your son is a decision ONLY YOU can make.
I hope that you are considering counseling for yourself...that way, no matter what you decide YOU will be the Captain of your own ship.
T2
Like you, I let people run over me, it is my nature, it is who I am! So I understand! But, I have changed a little lately. Letting some people run over me is not good for me!
When you love someone enough, it's alright to give them some running room. But, I draw the line on friends and other relatives!
Like; I gave up three friends last year! I DON't REGRET it for a minute! #1 friend I'm a little sad about that one, she has been friends with me for a very long time! I do miss her, but she is not good for me. telling me to talk to Att and not talk to me until she did, was very wrong. A true friend would NEVER say that!
#2 Was a sick old dirty man! Don't want to go there! He wanted me to act and be like him. I can only be me!
#3 I can't get rid of this one, she still calls me. And what does she want? That's right she always wants something from me! Food, use of tiller a free haircut for herself and another friend! It is always about what she wants!
I'm not saying I won't give to friends, because i would! I give my all to any R! But, I won't be a doormat!
I guess what I'm trying to say, LOL! Is that if this is who you are and you are comfortable with that part of you. Don't make a total change. Evidently, your H thinks this is a good quality in you!
Set boundaries though and don't let him go over the line! I see good things here! Your H is still in his own journey, and he has loose ends, he needs to take care of!
I'm sorry that is as big a hug as I can give from here.
Cathy, it sounds like you need a "Calgon" moment! Maybe plan to do something for yourself this evening? ... something you find relaxful.
It sounds like you are doubting yourself today ... that's OK ... it happens ... just let it pass ... and it will pass, because ...
being easy going is not the same as being a doormat!
You are a caring wonderful person who treats all others with respect and deserves to be treated the same.
I'm sooo sorry you are not getting that from H now. Simply, I think I think he is acting out on his greatest fear ... that being ... ending up alone. He knows you will be able enjoy a good life without him and he had ended up in a place where he feels he is all alone and it is hurting like he!! and maybe even feels like this is what he deserves. So he pushes people away as a way of getting what he deserves ... a penance he is carrying out to atone for his guilt.
Let the day pass Cathy ... let it be ... better days will return soon.
I am so sorry that H is acting out again like this. I know how frustrating this is for you and I wish that he could see what a wonderful woman he has as his wife; that he could see how wonderful things can be with you and his son.
Quote: He won't hug me, he won't be there for me right now. My S's hugs can only go so far and there are days when I need some bigger arms around me.
I guess I'm wondering when it's my turn.
I can actually FEEL this as I'm in the same boat. I wish we lived closer to one another but a cyber hug is the best I can do right now.
I was thinking about my H this morning: I was thinking that he is very angry because he wants to continue doing whatever it is he is doing. He knows it's wrong but WANTS to do it anyway. He hates himself because he hates what he is doing. He blames me for "pushing" him to have ow (potentially---and all ASSumptions on my part), to move out, etc.....IOW: projecting his feelings about himself onto me. Do you think this is the case with your H? Sounds like it.
Please do something nice for yourself Cathy. I know what it's like to basically be a single mom with a young child but we can still get in something nice for ourselves.
I like what KAW said. Your H is hurting and knows you will be fine. He's standing out there emotionally alone and is scared. Problem is , I have no answers for you. I think it's a issue they need to work out.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Maybe plan to do something for yourself this evening? ... something you find relaxful.