Hi Gwen. Do you really feel like you took a step back? Maybe there was something you needed to say- for you. It's not like you do it every week. You said how you feel. That's OK. At least, I think so. What do you have to lose? I know there seems to be so many "rules" to this, but if it was from the heart, and you needed to say that, then, hey, I wouldn't look at that as a step back.
But now, turn the focus back to you. That's what it's all about. Your post... I could relate to your feelings so well. Now, however, there is no road for me to pave. So, I am at a place of letting go- forever. Since I have been at a different place than I am now, I think how you are feeling now, I can relate to that. I have been there.
I mean, like really... I could totally relate to that post! I do think that paving the road comes a little later. If that is the focus now, you may be missing some focus on you. Yeah, I know- who am I to say that, right? But, like I said, my road has become a dead end. Or the highway to he!!... something like that...
My mom and dad were divorced, Gwen. I think my parents went through lots of the stuff you read about here. My mom understands a lot of these concepts, even though she has never read these books or knows this board, or anything. But, she says things that you hear the vets say. One thing she has told me from the beginning is to detach. And she also went a long time without communicating with my dad. My mom totally started her own life. She worked like crazy, volunteered, poured herself into so many thing- I didn't see her much! But, my point is that she said she never thought they would get remarried. She didn't see it like that. Even though she fought for her marriage for a really long time, my dad couldn't get it together and SHE filed for divorce (I learned that this year). She wasn't paving the road. Not for a long time. She let go and let God. She became independent. She put my brothers through college, worked a million jobs (outside of her teaching career) and raised an out-of-control, angry teenage daughter (ahem...). She let God take the wheel when it came to my dad (which I wonder about MLC- but he was an alcoholic).
Gwen, as much as your post resonated with my own personal feelings, I guess I just wanted to share that with you. That even if you aren't necessarily "paving the road" right now, it doesn't mean that you won't be in the future. I think you should just take care of you. You are amazing. You have been so strong. Know that nothing you do right now will change what he is doing. Even if he feels what you say. Even if it resonates with him while he reads or hears it, it is not going to change until HE makes the decision to take a look around- take a look inside- and FEELS it. Like- really- feels it.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Gwen. Talk to your priest. Listen to him. I am sure your girls are just as confused as you. They know why you feel the way you do. They also see you being strong for them, caring for them. That's what they will remember. And the love you have for your family. I don't think they are looking at it as low self esteem or anything like that. They get why you are hurt.
You'll be OK, Gwen. Pick your head up. It was an emotional day for me, too.
