Letting go Qs

[Kramer]

My frustration is being portrayed as the person responsible for ending our relationship. I have owned my failures in our relationship, but it kills me that she has poisoned everybody else's viewpoint. We are divorcing because she was weak and took the cowards way out instead of respecting our vows. I'm tired of being portrayed in such a negative light.

[TenBook]

Hi Kramer,

It took me a while to get over the same thought.

I wish you peace.

What helped me was face to face support group I found on meetups.com

[Closer2]

Kramer,

Try not to let it get to you. Those close to you know the truth. Her friends probably can see what through the B.S. but they're going to support her no matter what. It [censored] and it's frustrating. Trying to set them straight will do no good at all.

If R ever does happen, it'll be her job to set them straight.

I set my Ex straight when she kept blaming for the A. It was after things hand calmed down a bit. I was nice, no yelling, no arguing. Shockingly, she agreed that it wasn't all my fault and she was wrong. Waterworks followed. I didn't feel any better, but at least I stopped her from making feel worse.

[Pyrite]

same. exactly. but you know what
re: the truth
those who matter, know
AND
those who DONT know DONT matter

as my C said. they aren't as close to the sitch as you. they know what they saw AND what they see now. they will make up their own minds.

i have had friends, joint friends, who recently when i have voiced my hurt about this have calmly responded - of course she is saying those things. she has to justify her actions to the world and herself.

Reality is me and my W HAVE encountered the same thing in a friends M. The H was outed for a year or so, basically labelled the bad guy, but then friends started disowning the W as a friend. In that case though he was the WAH, but she was crazy, still is, and nasty as a cut snake, even to her kids.

[HeavyD]

Kramer

There is nothing you can do. I am sorry. Friends usually split down the middle. I too lost a lot of friends and it hurt like crazy. Last week I had to set next to my WW best friend at at work event. I know the "best friend" believes I am the devil incarnate but there was nothing I could do. I just tried to maintain dignity and just said hello.

Hang in there and the truth will reveal itself. It always does. Remember the quote from MLK - the arc of the moral universe bends towards justice. I hope that brings you some comfort.

[Kramer]

Ok, I did not send an email or contact her. I received a one word text from her that simply said "Easter". At least I crossed her mind. I did not respond.

She spent the weekend at her boyfriend's house, and enjoyed Easter with his small children, while her mother provided Easter dinner for her children. Weird, selfish, and par for the course for her.

Speaking of spending weekends with him, let me run something past you all. As you may or not remember, my wife has been living with her 17 year old here in town during the week, and spending the weekends with her boyfriend. Sometimes every other weekend if she works her PT job. I suspect that she is doing this so she doesn't scare him off now that I am out of the picture. Perhaps in her mind, now they can go slow and date until he is ready for her to move in full time. Any thoughts?

This guy's wife died a few years ago, and he has 3 small children. He married again in 2013, but divorced last year. He wants nothing to do with my wife's children or drama. In their texts, he expressed fear of things progressing too quickly.

[Closer2]

Are you still involved with the kids? I tried to look back at your older posts. The stories are starting to blend together for me. I do know you both came into the M with kids.

Anyway, if you're still involved with the kids, you are not "out of the picture". Even if your kids are grown, they'll still graduate HS, college, get married, have kids, grandkids. WW/WAW forget about that stuff.

Stay out of her new R. She'll screw up her own. She's on the WW rollercoaster and the new BF doesn't sound like he likes rollercoasters. From the short description, he may have wanted a mom for his 3 kids after his wife died. Maybe he realized that you can't have a wife w/o drama and that's why he divorced mom 2.0. Maybe his kids hated her. It doesn't matter. The OP is probably ready to hit cruise control on his life and that's why he doesn't want drama.

Seriously, if the guy doesn't want drama... WTF was he thinking hooking up with a Ms. Kramer. I can't think of anything more dramatic than a WW.

Cheaters are stupid and selfish. Those that hook up with cheaters are no better.

If you have a sick sense of humor like me. You could have fun and register them for wedding gifts at all the major department stores, Amazon, etc. Congratulate them on FB, spam everyone you know with an awesomely photoshopped wedding e-vite. The reception should be at Chuck E. Cheese and it BYOB (plastic bottles only).

Actually, that may be bad advice. It's not DBing. It's just funny.

[HeavyD]

HAHAHAHA

I love all your humor. I wish I had the gumption to do that.

[Kramer]

Closer:

A quick recap. I came into the relationship with 4 kids. She came in with 4 kids. We adopted her niece at 4 years of age. My kids split their time with me in California and their mother in oregon. Her kids have been with us the whole time.

My children are all married with their own kids now, and live in Oregon. I have 8 beautiful grandchildren from them. Up until BD, my wife and I saw them 3-4 times per year. They were extremely close to my wife, even more so than their bio mom. My wife has not contacted them since I discovered affair on New Years Eve. They are quite devastated with her actions and her ignoring them.

My wife's 4 children are 17, 19, 19, and 23. Her niece is 18. The youngest (17) is living with her, and is firmly in her camp. He had many legal issues with truancy, drugs, and threatening to kill his brother and mother last year. I advocated tough love and set firm boundaries, and he is angry with me because of it. Her 23 year old son is disgusted with her behavior, and spends a lot of time with me. The 19 year old twin boys are also upset with her. One of them moved in with his bio father and the other lives with his girlfriend. They are expecting a baby in the next 3 weeks. Finally, her niece doesn't want anything to do with her. She has chosen to live with me.

I still do family dinners with them on Sunday's (not with my wife). I have kept open communication with them and they know that I love their mother, and do not want this divorce.

So there you go. A quick readers digest recap of our chaotic life and family. Drama? Oh yes, there is MUCH of that. This guy has no clue just how much, because my wife keeps both families separate. Her kids all want to punch him in the face. I have steered clear of any communication with him, other than my initial emails to him on NYE when I found out. Basically, I called him a predator. No communication since.

I'm sure my wife will do everything in her power to bide her time and keep the relationship alive. He is rich, drives a MB and a Maserati, lives in a mini mansion, and is single with 3 young children who need a mother. My wife was never materialistic until now, and her whole wardrobe and demeanor have changed.

[Closer2]

Thanks for the recap Kramer. I would need nametags at family events. That's a lot of people.

Based on everything I have read, relationships started from As don't last. Throw in more WW drama, more kids, MBs and Maseratis and I see fail.

If he's a D-Bag, he'll grow really tired really quickly. It's much easier for D-Bags to date another guy's wife than another guy's ex-wife. Your wife didn't want to move in, didn't want to bring kids over, didn't let real life get in the way. You're ex-wife will. Sure, your wife may have talked about it, but your ex-wife can actually do it.

The guy needs a nannie and a 22 year old girlfriend, not a 46 year old WW with kids.