Completely Blindsided by Husband's Affair

[kathyw]

On April 20th, we will be married 16 years. A little over month ago I suspected something wasn't right with H, I questioned him as to why he's been acting strange, he said I was crazy and 'why was I pulling this $hit on him'. He left his tablet in the basement so I looked at it. There were nude photos of the other woman on it. It turns out it's the sister of a friend that was killed in an auto accident just over a year ago.
I went upstairs, told him I saw the photos, he looked like a deer in the headlights. He ended up leaving that day, that was March 15th, and met her at the bar for a St Patty's day party. He came home a few hours later and told me he was calling an Attorney the next day.
He went to the attorney and said it was really expensive, that we should go to a mediator instead.

A few days had passed, March 19th he was late coming home from work. He's usually home by 5, he got home at 7. He was crying when he came in, he said he was out driving around and thinking. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc... We then decided to go to a counselor. While he's at home telling me he wants to spend his life with me, his girlfriend is sending him listings for condos for rent. (at the exact same time!!!)

We went to the counselor 2 times, he still wants to talk to the other woman while go to counseling. The counselor even told him he needs to stop talking to the other woman if he wants this to work. He refused, said he's not ready to stop talking to her.

I told him today that I'm not going to be in competition with the other woman for him. I told him that I love him and he doesn't need to stay with me if he isn't happy. I then told him I was making the decision for him, I was no longer on the market as an option for him.

He seemed a little surprised, then he said, "well I'll have to stay here for a while, I can't afford to move out immediately." I told him he needs to sleep in the basement or something then. He says we'll be fine sleeping in the same bed until he moves out.

Our house is tiny, I don't want to share a room with him. I obviously can't force him to leave the bedroom. Now what?

This whole thing is a complete shock to me. After 9/11 the MI economy tanked and for 12 years I've been the main bread winner in the family, he's had odd jobs/part time jobs during that time. He finally got an engineering job a year ago and we are finally making decent money. We've had the best year ever, we were no longer fighting about money/bills. We've been able to buy new cars and take vacations, we even go on date nights, we even have fun just sitting around at home and enjoy each others' company. That's why none of this makes any sense to me. We had everything, it's all been destroyed and for the life of me, I don't know why!

I'm keeping a stiff upper lip on the outside, but inside I'm saying "OMG, what have I done, did I do the right thing?!?"

I hope this snaps him back to reality. If not, I have to mentally prepare to not spend the rest of my life with him. (Which right now is completely killing me!)