Validating WW about her mom and the kids grandma is a very empathetic thing to do. You are validating her feelings which in this case you agree. Validating is acknowledging the feelings of another, not always agreeing.
When you do agree then you can empathise as well. If it is a boundary issue STFU. For example if W loses her job just say 'really, thanks for telling me " then move on to something else.
My H is very upset that his golfing partner has to be hospitalised for 6 months this year for arthritis in his left leg and next year for his right. New joints in his ankles and knees, his toes will be broken and straightened too. Of course, I will do all I can to support H and encourage him to visit. I believe his concern is genuine, I will see in due course if his concern converts into action.
When H says he is 'ill' I just say ' I can see you feel that way" and in my head I am saying "take charge of your health" and not out loud. I do not agree but I acknowledge.
If H says his POW is no longer interested then "OK". Boundary issue, big big time.
You may be seeing the start of the end of WW job for the time being. Who knows, depends how addicted she is to it. It may be tough to carry on this way in her mums home. Watch and listen carefully to get the Intel, in case WW blags a Motel room near her moms. Intel is all.
I think if I were Joe then I would wait until the grandma issue is resolved a little and WW intends on returning to her life full time, in which case boundary time. By then Joe will have some additional perspective.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/05/1503:24 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am really learning that STFU is a good thing. In the past I would not STFU. I would have immediately brought up the job issue. Right now none of that matters. That is W issue to decide how to handle. I am only going to be support for her issue with mom and make sure kids are taken care of. I am also going to keep concentrating on being the best ME I can be. One thing I have always done in the past is be support for her through tough times. I would hope that is something she will never forget. I am working hard on my faith right now! There have been signs everywhere for me to build a strong relationship with God. It is helping alot. You and everyone on here are helping alot! I thank you for that! I always look forward to reading your posts. I am looking forward to Wonka helping me also!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
One final question: what do you do now for employment? I think I have a good sense of your sitch now that you've answered some questions. I have some ideas. Want to wait until I know about your current job.
Thank You Wonka! Hope you had a good Holiday weekend also. We had a good dinner today. W sometimes seemed happy, sometimes seemed distant. I'm sure she is thinking of her mom today. It has been a long time since she has been home to see them.
Currently I am assistant manager at a lumberyard here in town. I handle contractor sales, bids and other building sales. Have been here for 9 1/2 years. I really like it. I have a good boss who is big on family. I can go to all my kids events. I am not working to death on the ranch. I get paid good. I help alot of people out. Plus I have a retirement now. There are SO many things I have been able to be involved in with the kids that I would have missed if I was still ranching.
One other piece of information that might be useful. About 6 years ago we had to file chapter 13 bankruptcy due to huge medical bills from my surgery. I was not making big enough payments to make them happy. Any way, we had been sending in our mortgage payments in the form of a money order. In Feb 2014, I got a call from the attorney asking if we wanted to keep our house. I said of course I do. She asked why we are missing 22 payments. I said that she was crazy. I had bought money orders myself and had wife mail them in. Attorney said they had been sending notices for 6 months. I told her we never got anything. So we were in this huge battle with mortgage company and attorney and us over the missing payments. I finally sent in some copies to find out if they were cashed. Lady at post office called and said she put the information in our box. Wife says she never got anything. I paid to have it done again and had post office hold info for me to pick up. My suspicions were correct. W had been cashing the money orders and keeping the money.
I waited till I was good and calm and confronted her. She said that her sales at home had not been doing well and needed the money to pay the bills. I told her if it was this bad, why didn't she say something. She says she tried, but I would not listen. I told her, I know we have talked about how tight things were, but you never said this was what you were having to do. She said she really learned her lesson about communicating better about these things and I said I need to try and listen better. Any way the house is being foreclosed. Doesn't hurt her much. It is in my name. Right around the time all these mortgage problems started is when she started acting funny. Than after we had our big talk about it, she seemed like her old self for awhile. We actually seemed closer. She was cuddling with me more and we ML more. Than when I started having problems with her job, things started going down hill again. I tried for so long to just change my thinking. Why do I feel so insecure about this job? It is all me. I shouldn't let this bother me. You know what, it does! I don't like it! It hurts me! I want the woman back that used to tell me that I was the only man she ever wanted to be with in that way. The one that told me how happy she was with me! Holiday really make you think about these things. I think I did okay today though. She did seem to have hard time looking at me today. She was very quiet.
Last edited by Joe406; 04/05/1511:15 PM.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thank you for putting some information and backstory of your sitch here. I have a pretty good idea of how things are in your house.
It seems to me that your W stole those money orders to fund her affairs. That is what people do when they are in affairs. They just DON'T think clearly at all. If you haven't already, I'd take proactive steps to ensure that the mortgage is paid on time and not have to go through W's hands. Have you taken care of this, Joe? If not, then please do it asap. There are several ways to do it. You can discuss this with the bank. It is done to protect your home and your family for they live there, right?
Now let's focus on your W's work history here. It seems, based on what you write here, that W loses interest in each job because the newness and allure fades away. I mean it is true every job. I am going to walk you through the process of diminishing your own resistence to W's current job.
As you know, all energy is neutral. How one channels energy and focus on is what moves the energy. The more a person resists the very thing they DO NOT want, the more it expands and comes at you twofold or tenfold depending on the viewpoint.
Let's take your case here in respect to W's work. The more you DO NOT want W to work in her current job, the more she'll focus on it and stay at it. You ask how?
Sure, I'd be happy to explain. The more oxygen you give to a fire, the bigger it rages on...gobbling up everything in its path.
Do you see where I am going here?
Eh, you go first. Please tell me where you think I am going here. You are the student, and I am your teacher. I think you're a smart man and can figure this out. I'm happy to work with you on this if you put forth some effort here.
waited till I was good and calm and confronted her. She said that her sales at home had not been doing well and needed the money to pay the bills. I told her if it was this bad, why didn't she say something. She says she tried, but I would not listen. I told her, I know we have talked about how tight things were, but you never said this was what you were having to do. She said she really learned her lesson about communicating better about these things and I said I need to try and listen better. Any way the house is being foreclosed.
Now wait a minute. If this were true, why would she continue to lie (and cover herself) while you were going through everything with the lawyers and the post office ? All she had to do was speak up, but she continued playing the game.
Here's the thing, she gets off by saying she tried to tell you, and you just let it slide? You are losing your home b/c of her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for putting some information and backstory of your sitch here. I have a pretty good idea of how things are in your house.
It seems to me that your W stole those money orders to fund her affairs. That is what people do when they are in affairs. They just DON'T think clearly at all. If you haven't already, I'd take proactive steps to ensure that the mortgage is paid on time and not have to go through W's hands. Have you taken care of this, Joe? If not, then please do it asap. There are several ways to do it. You can discuss this with the bank. It is done to protect your home and your family for they live there, right?
Now let's focus on your W's work history here. It seems, based on what you write here, that W loses interest in each job because the newness and allure fades away. I mean it is true every job. I am going to walk you through the process of diminishing your own resistence to W's current job.
As you know, all energy is neutral. How one channels energy and focus on is what moves the energy. The more a person resists the very thing they DO NOT want, the more it expands and comes at you twofold or tenfold depending on the viewpoint.
Let's take your case here in respect to W's work. The more you DO NOT want W to work in her current job, the more she'll focus on it and stay at it. You ask how?
Sure, I'd be happy to explain. The more oxygen you give to a fire, the bigger it rages on...gobbling up everything in its path.
Do you see where I am going here?
Eh, you go first. Please tell me where you think I am going here. You are the student, and I am your teacher. I think you're a smart man and can figure this out. I'm happy to work with you on this if you put forth some effort here.
Thank You Wonka!
First the money orders. I guess I never thought about the possibility of that. We were having major money issues at that time. She was working from home doing surveys and selling items on the internet. She said she was afraid to tell me the truth about her business not doing well. But I have taken action to protect myself and other things since this happened. The house is being foreclosed and we have moved to town and are renting now. I pay the bills personally to be sure. I don't trust her with any of that anymore.
As for the job, I think maybe you are trying to say that given W work history, if I don't press the issue and leave it alone, it will die off itself. I have been praying that God will help her with her issues lately. I have basically lovingly detached from her and all her issues including job. I am listening very closely about her mom situation.
Basically you are telling me something along the lines of THE SECRET. The more negative energy I put into W's job issue, the more I am drawing it to me. I need to LET IT GO and allow God and the universe to sort it out. Am I close to what you were thinking? Man I really like help I am receiving here!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Actually there was alot more that was said than just that. I can't type the whole conversation. We talked for about 2 hours. I actually spent most of that time telling her about what she has done and there was NO excuse for her to not tell me. I basically told her she has put our family in a much worse spot than we have ever been in. I told her that I have no idea how she could look me in the face and lie over and over for almost 2 years. I also told her trust is so important and she has completely destroyed that.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
