HEY!!! I'm going to use that inch worm visual too... I LOVE IT! KAW is so right, we get all caught up in what WE WANT to be happening, we forget to notice what IS happening...
Thanks KAW, thanks CATHY... sheesh, I don't know how you do it, girl... laughter is the best medicine.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
UGH!!!! I think I would have to slap your H upside his head. I just couldn't sit there and take that from anyone. That is outright mean and hurtful to say. So callous. Is he wanting you to stand up to him in order to feel you care and have feelings? Or trying to hurt you or is it guilty feelings for what he IS doing? Aside from that do not allow him to disrespect you like that.
Another thought I had is he reading the boards? He will know what and how you would react to things. I don't know how you do it. I couldn't deal with that. Just look out for you. I know you are and are handling it good. I know it must be hard enough to handle ow but to throw it in your face like that is disqusting.
Thanks for stopping by..sometimes I hesitate to post the things H says as I know a lot of people here DO NOT like the way H treats me or the things he says, but he says them and he's that way.
For the most part I blow it off, I really don't care. It doesn't affect me anymore, it's H being stupid and mean.
Sometimes, like tonight I feel I would be better off without H, but then I realize I care about him. H has always talked like he does, I'm now more intuned to it and don't let him get away with it. Maybe he'll eventually realize how stupid he sounds.
And, no he doesn't read the BB. H only reads things that involve hunting and fishing.
Okay coming back because I wonder am I letting H disrespect me by letting him talk the way he does around me?
H does not like it that I have paid vacation, does not like it when I "tell" him I'm doing this or that.
This is part of his controlling/verbal abuse personality. That is going to be a hard one to change on his own.
When I asked him who he was going on vacation with, H wouldn't tell me. I sometimes think he just makes up lies.
Other times I think H is jealous that I have a life.
Oh well, not going to worry too much about it.
I am sitting here thinking, does it bother me that H talks to me the way he does and it really doesn't. It bothers other people more and then I think it should bother me. The thing is I heard other S say terrible things to their S's, too.
My friend once told her H to go to He!! becuase he said something he didn't like. Another friend/couple tell each other to shut up and they've been married 25 years! Go figure.
Cath, Ask yourself, if one of my co-workers or friends said any of the things to me that my H does...what would I feel/think then? If your reaction to those people would be different than your reaction is to your H...ask yourself why. T2
Cathy, this is a difficult phase. i also have to prepare myself for this stage if H ever comes home. You're so patient that I have only respect and admiration for you. I dont know what would I do in this stage, knowing me and my impatience!
You hang in there. ANd its good that H's behaviours/words are not affecting you that much anymore. Just remember to do the 180s.
take care...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Maybe one of these times when he says that, ask him why he keeps saying that. Tell him that you don't want him to leave, but if that is what he wants, then go.
It just seems like he says this like a child would be saying these kind of things in order to get attention or confirmation that you want him there. You know like someone who keeps calling themselves stupid or putting themselves down.
Basically it seems like he is crying out to you to tell him that you want him to stay and that you need him there. Everyone wants to be needed and he may not be feeling like he is needed. The OW is making it very clear to him that she needs him. That her life is a wreck and that it isn't the same without him in it.
Did you ever think that that is what he is asking you for? He sees you as independent doing things on your own and having friends that you are going with and so forth. He almost sounds like he is jealous of the life you have because you can survive with or without him. He knows this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Now he has to feel that you need and want him around. That is what he is fishing for. You have to make him feel needed, appreciated and admired. This does not mean for you to bend over backwards kissing his butt.
Think about this for a minute, as your son gets older, he needs you to do less and less for him. He becomes less and less dependent upon you. For most mothers, it is an adjustment and letting go sometimes is very painful, but yet your son still makes it very clear to you that he needs you, admires you, and appreciates you in different little ways.
That is what you husband is wanting from you. The OW gives this to him even though it is in a sick sort of way. He knows that she needs him because her life isn't the same without him.
He keeps saying this, because he is trying to get something from you and I don't think that it is an attack from you. It does bother you in some sort of way because it wouldn't stick in your head if it didn't. It is making you feel insecure at this time and he is having the same insecurities right now. So keep building him up and filling him up with love.
Well I have to do some thinking now as I am thoroughly confused. I'm supposed to be strong, as this is what I've been doing. H left me and S, I didn't leave H and now because I had to live my life for nine months without H, had to be strong, couldn't do this, couldn't do that, don't let H see things didn't bother me, don't cry, don't react, don't put pressure on H, now I'm supposed to show H that I need him!?
So what does that mean? Drama, yelling and screaming as this is what says to him that I need him?
But I do show H that I appreciate him, I thank him for doing things, I compliment H, I'm just not desparate like the OW.
I WAS like that when H left and he could have cared less!! My/our world was turned upside down and H DIDN'T care and either did OW!!
I think I just need to cry today, don't know why, but I'm feeling very emotional right now and I have to get ready for work.
I know H wants to know that I care for him. This week though he's been very withdrawn from me. I don't know if it's becuase he's feeling guilty about last Saturday of IF he is thinking OW is looking more appealing now.
Or my H is just a horse A** and I'm stupid for even being with him. That I should even keep trying as it's like banging my head against the walls some days.
I'm pulled five different ways during the day, between getting my child to school, me getting to work, my very demanding boss, constant phone interuptions at work from our donors, taking care of H and his needs, and having this whole thing on my mind 24/7 and always trying to stay one step ahead of H and OW.
It IS hard, and I feel for you in your situation. It's like a no win sitiuation - you have to be strong and independent without the H and looking after the kid(s) and then the H needs to feel needed??
