It's not fear about the subdivision. Well, it is, but it's a different kind of fear.
See, I love my life here. I love that I can walk everywhere that I care to go except the grocery store. I love that my kids can do that. We can walk to farmers' markets (when they're in season). To school. To friends' houses. To the restaurants I like to frequent, and I like that I can safely walk home from downtown, or from friends' houses, or from band night in the park even if I've had a drink or two, and I don't have to worry. I love walking in a crowd of friends to book club or a porch party.
I love living in a smaller house because I have to be more intentional -- I can't let consumption overtake us because in a smaller house it will, quickly. I love being part of this community.
Subdivision life = more cut off from my neighbors; tied to the car; too much space means the house fills up without my noticing; harder to keep the kids accountable for themselves. I like living mindfully; I don't want to put myself in a setting where I'm working against that way of life.
I had just started embracing these changes. They aren't second nature yet. But they make me feel good about myself, and they make me feel connected to my community. I've been "new to the area" my entire life. I want to be connected. Subdivision life feels like exile to me.
Thanks, Vanilla, for the truth from the trenches. Ggrass, yes indeed, I am lighter without the STBX load -- I just hopes he doesn't default on his obligations. Labug, I made a commitment to myself a long time ago that my outside should match my inside. I want to honor that commitment. But if I have to live in a subdivision I'll remember that other people would consider that an enormous blessing and I will find a way to be grateful for it.
Here are some good things to counterbalance the anxiety:
My co-worker sold her house this weekend. She was as worried about her housing situation as I've been about mine and I've been reassuring her for 2-3 weeks (or longer) that all will be well. I happened to be with her when she got the news and I found myself profoundly and generously grateful on her behalf for that problem resolving for her. There was not one ounce of selfishness in my gratitude that her house had sold -- and I have to say, I'm really, truly grateful for that as well. Because I like what it says about me that I can feel that way without trying.
The second thing is that STBX let me take the kids to church this morning to celebrate Easter and they went very nicely, even though we have to get up early to make the long drive, and two of them have bad colds. And we had a lovely time and stayed for the potluck brunch after the service and spent the morning with two other families and the kids are clearly becoming comfortable with that part of my tribe. And I am SO grateful for that part of my tribe.
The third thing is that church softball starts next weekend and my kids have promised to practice with me, and to sometimes come down for the games so I don't have to miss just because they're with me. And I'm looking forward to meeting new people I don't know (or don't know well) and taking on a new GAL activity after this long, cold winter.
The fourth thing is that on the way to church this morning the kids started asking for outings we could do that are repeats of things we did when STBX first left. Also for a couple of other big outings -- which is lovely, they were asking for experiences rather than stuff. That makes me feel like I'm becoming the parent I want to be, and that it matters to them.
And the fifth thing (then I'll stop, though I think there's more), is that a couple of my friends here have taken on a BIG project that I've been honored to help with just a little bit. I was with them till very late Friday night helping and then stopped in yesterday to see how it was going. Their kids have seen very little of them in the last month and it occurred to me that they were probably too wiped out to celebrate Easter, so I gave them a spur of the moment invitation. STBX is letting me have the kids back a couple of hours early so we can all be together and I am grateful that I have the means, material and skillful, to pull together a short-notice Easter dinner for people who matter a lot to me.
So I whine and worry but when it comes down to it there is much more good in my life than otherwise.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
