Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[TLEE86]

TLEE, he's gone around telling people it's not healthy for him to be with someone who 'causes' him to blow up that way. Was this also your attitude before you started looking at why you behaved this way?

No, I didnt go around telling people that its not healthy for me to be with W, but Im not the one who walked away. I will tell you that I did, whether consciously or subconsciously, blame everything bad in my life on my W. Work, or whatever happened to me, I felt my W was the cause of it. Or at least, I took everything out on her. Nothing was ever my fault, it was always someone else. Looking back, there wasn't a single decision that I, ME, made that couldn't have been changed by myself. Sure alot of shitty things happened and alot of bad luck, but I was the one in control and could have changed it all. Your H will learn, over time, that YOU are not the one to make him this way.

Interesting you say this, more in my thread when I post later, but my W actually asked me yesterday, that she didnt understand WHY i got SOO angry, that the trigger for my anger (if she did something small to make me mad) was not proportionate to the escalation of anger that I showed. And I responded, because it wasn't you, there was something in ME that needed to be worked on, you were unfortunately just the recipient of the anger.

Z- your H again, will in time learn that you might piss him off, but the fact that he "blows up" over spilled milk ( or whatever the case may be), is something deep inside of him. He needs to ask himself, what that is, do some serious thinking. For me, i didnt wake up until my W left.

Let's say 5-6 months comes and goes. How could I ever respect or trust him? Would you be able to promise you wouldn't react with violence when you felt the same ole feelings? I think knowing is only half the battle and I don't know what the other half is...

YES. Because I don't want to ever feel the way I do right now, EVER again. W leaving me is the only thing that would have ever shook me out of the [censored] storm I was in myself. I told her this yesterday, and she agreed. That if she never left, we would go back into the honeymoon phase of "oh hey T's back, hooray" and go back into the same problems. She agreed she could have handled things easier, and not taken the easier way out, but until she left, I would have never changed.

Now I don't know what it is your H needs to shake the [censored] out of him and realize, Z is the best thing in his life, WHAT THE [censored] ARE YOU DOING to her kinda thing...but like has been said in so many posts, he needs to feel a loss, or something to shake the ground beneath him and realize he is [censored] up and get out of the fog.

You told me once, that my W wasn't ready to come home, that dosnt mean she wont ever be. Your sitch [censored] in the sense that H did come home. And now your at where your at. He just wasn't ready. He didnt do all the thinking he needed to. Give him time, if you want to. If he does, this issue of abuse needs to seriously be addressed, physical or verbal. I know that I wish we addressed it along time ago, but we are only addressing it now, after 5 years of being together, 6 months apart. Hope this helps a little.