Alpha One, Alpha All #

[alpha99]

I felt quite reflective last night, as my previous post indicates. As it is for all of us, it is difficult to get your head around the fact that as it stands your M is over. It's doubly difficult with children and ferrying them back and forth between parents. Sometimes I think of twinmom's posts that say 'Your W fired you as her H' and it really does strike a chord.

This morning was taken over by the kids being excited about the Easter Bunny coming of course. My S woke up first and wanted to climb into bed with me to cuddle. They were made up with their Easter eggs - absolutely thrilled in fact. It was wonderful to see the joy on their faces, particularly when my D remarked that 'the Easter Bunny is magic.'

Beautiful memories can still be made in the hardest of times.

Upon the 15 minute or so drive to MIL's house the kids kept asking could they go and see if the Easter Bunny had been to their mum's house. We have to pass W's house on the way to MIL's. I parked around the corner and called W to see if the kids could pop in and check for eggs. W ended up coming out with the eggs in a bag and went with me and the kids to her MIL's about a mile away. She was focused on the kids of course and they were excited about more potential eggs. They showed off the eggs I had allowed them to bring with them. W was smiley and upbeat, as was I.

At one point when the kids were laughing and happy we looked at each other and she had a warm smile on her face. I was smiling too. I could be completely wrong but it seemed a split second connection over our children. In the couple of minute's drive to MIL's the kids mainly spoke about yesterday's activities with me. W talked about some potential child related activities over the school summer holiday period. She was quite friendly and nice. No attitude problem, no anger or animosity. If I look back at old messages she had sent me from about 5-6 weeks ago there are some that say 'I hate you', 'drop kids off at door and be civil, that's it' kind of thing. I certainly don't think she hates me now.

She was fiddling about with the bag of Easter eggs and as she leaned over slightly I noticed that she smelt my aftershave. As I focused on driving and being cool, I noticed her glancing across looking at me once or twice, before repeating the bag fiddling and sniffing.

Once at MIL's, W and kids went ahead whilst I got bags out of the car. MIL was at the door, and strangely was smiling and waving hello at me. I handed bags over to W at the door, who said thank you, kissed the kids goodbye, and said goodbye to W and MIL before leaving.

Luckily for me there is a big sports event on today (on TV for around 5 hours) which will keep me occupied. Otherwise I fear I might have felt low considering it's Easter Sunday and I'm without the kids. I left them safe in the knowledge that they had a fantastic time with me. My son kept saying 'I love you Daddy' throughout our time together. That warmed my heart. My D is still too young to understand things but she is an incredibly happy little girl. We had the better day for the weather anyway. Yesterday was a lovely spring day. Today is cold and foggy here.

I think I am striking the right balance now. Of course it would be the wrong thing to do to be cold and aloof with W. Equally it would be wrong to continue pursuing or being overly friendly. I'm holding back on conversation with her a lot, only initiating now and again. She is making conversation with me slightly more. It is virtually always child related. I'm being friendly and polite when she does speak to me. I try to avoid topics that would result in arguments. Since Tuesday, when she had a sudden turnaround and started being nice, I think we have only had one minor disagreement on the phone. That was over child arrangements when MIL was messing about.

I see zero signs of anything remotely R related appearing. However, I am aware this is going to be a long slog and any change should not be expected - in the short or long term. I am GAL and valuing the time spent with my children more than ever. I am trying to be the best person I can be.

From R perspective with W, I would imagine at some point her A, should it continue, would have to come out into the open (I don't think her parents know about her continued contact, certainly her workmates don't). At that point things might flourish or the warts and all might start to show through. He's about 43, pot belly, 'won't commit', and surely isn't going to want two young, incredibly active children about. I'm think the gloss would wear off. Not that I'm hanging around waiting for that to happen. I can't 'move on' in the sense of finding someone else because I am still married, still want to reconcile with my W, still want to have our family together again. However, I am no longer hanging around in the sense of waiting for her to wake up and reality hit home. I am living my life the best I can right now, with only one eye on things to see how they're developing. I know my posts here are sitch focused (that's the point of this board surely), but I do feel more distance emotionally between what she does and doesn't do and how I respond. Lovingly detached I believe it's called.

Happy Easter everyone!