Some men and women do wake up to the fact that the issues are within their own souls. With others i believe it is in their charachter to control others from childhood.
If they are narc then another is a 'supply' of self esteem, by putting others down and controlling them they gain self esteem. Each time the 'supply' needs to be greater to control, the lower the other feels to themselves and the more the narc is serviced then the better the narc feels about themselves. This is Passive Master Talk and applies whether the other is narc (BPD) or acting that way. To know which is which requires a clinical diagnosis. Cadet was very helpful about this on Scherman333 thread in discussion with his wife. Sherman thinks his wife has both BPD and bipolar.
I was recommended to read the life story of Lady Caroline Lamb or to see the film. That girl had a loving H but was in an A in a very destructive way with a BPD. She was addicted to her OM as her H was addicted to her.
If you had seen me in Screaming Banshee mode then at that point my behaviour was very ugly indeed. You have described the odd equivalent moment too. And this protected me a little until eventually H went too far and I said STOP. No sweet talking me back H, no more abuse.
I have thought about this a great deal. Are abusers a narc with BPD and deep in shame for who they are, unable to relate and wanting to hide the true self. Put themselves first or is it guilt and remorse that drives the frustration with self?
In the end I decided it could not matter to me, I will not be abused and why should it make much difference? The end result is the same, abuse. Will the abuser be like TLee and wake up? Is the intervention or loss enough to get them thinking and resolving?
I really do not know, I care, but I care more about a life free of abuse. This is H bag of eels to carry. We resolvie our own baggage. some indicators do not bode well for the eel bag being emptied! When they lie drink gamble, golf (or other to excess) and POWs to numb pain, there is no facing up to responsibility. Your H is blaming your behaviour for his blowing up- not a good sign at this point.
Some of these men and women wake up when their WS has an EA/PA, but to do that to make your S wake up or in revenge is slightly yuk to me.
Passive masterdom at it is best.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/05/1508:33 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
