Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

Back from a memorable holiday! I am so glad I took my DD1 to see Hong Kong and spend quality time with some long time friends. H has refused to take me on holiday for the past 5 years. I really have missed getting in to another culture with the different sights, sounds and smells. I know my relationship is completely broke; but it was interesting spending several days around a couple who actually support each other and communicate. They have been together 20+ years and are a great really example of a healthy relationship.

DH decided he wanted to have a special family dinner when we got back. So, I arrived home at 7p to this enormous early-Easter feast (complete with lots of side dishes and lamb prepared 2 different ways) then by 4:30a he was off to the airport to leave for the US. I think this his way of displacing his guilt for leaving. He is leaving his plans for returning very open, however told the kids he would be back in 2 weeks.

I have been doing a lot of reading about narcissism and "passive aggression". After 20 years of being with him, I am finally smacked with the realisation that he is a Passive Aggressive workaholic - it is finally emotionally starting to fall in to place and explain all the craziness! For years I have been trying to earn his attention and trying to be who I thought he wanted. I had dismissed his lack of emotions due to him being an introvert. However, I now realise his mindset has nothing to do with me - I could never fulfill him. He has many passive aggressive tendencies and always has. He withholds of all his emotions - happiness, fear, love, anger, etc. He has no close friends; just work acquaintances as he is emotionally distant to everyone. His PA tendencies became exaggerated and emotionally unmanageable 3 years ago. I don't think he is going to come back. I may always want more from him emotionally than he is able to give as he is not capable of giving it to himself.

Although I am logically starting to understand all this.... I still awoke this AM with a slight disappointment/emptiness ... however, I need to remember I do "have it all" and he has nothing - I have a life time of love from 3 wonderful children who think I am very special. I am blessed with happiness around me. I have all the material goods I need and wonderful friends -- he just took a small suitcase and left to live a life on the road without attachments or commitments.

This week I went to the initial meeting with the mediator. H did his when I was gone. Interestingly, mediation is only an option as long as we are both willing to be in the same room. So H idea of "doing it over the phone" isn't going to work. I'll let him figure that one out. As his main goal is to get job and move back to the US asap, I really question how much time/energy he is going to have to be sorting out divorce details anyway whether thru a mediator or lawyers. Typically when he starts a new job, he puts in 60+ hrs a week, travels tons and has a company 100-day plan to get sorted. Seems like I may be in for a long drawn out divorce process which is typical of a PA.

I'm taking daughters to compete today. It is such a joy to watch them fulfill their dedication and commitment to a sport. I feel so proud that they are accomplishing their goals and making great memories.