I understand how being away allowed you to forget for awhile. I also get the fear and lonliness...man, do I get it.
When I went through this, I did not know how I would make it. I was with him since I was 18 years old. We were married 25 years at bomb date. Together for 30 years. He was all I knew. Together with my son, it was the 3 of us against the world. I had never lived on my own. I had never did a lot of things on my own.
Truthfully, I didnt now how I would go on. I mean, literally, I wasnt sure of what to do. But then life had to continue. Things needed to get done. My son and I found out own rhythm. I dug deep back to the girl I used to be. And I figured it out, M.
I will say that it was when I started to let go of wanting to understand and the anger, the road became clearer. I just said to myself, some things just dont have explanations. Like when a child dies or someone gets cancer. This was one of those times. And no matter how I tried to make sense of it, I just didnt have the power to do it.
Letting go of the anger was a tough one. I eventually realized a few things. The first one was that if I didnt then they were getting more. That's the truth. I didnt want them to have one more thing. Then I realized that me being angry wasnt affecting them. They didnt care one bit. So, what was the point of that? Being angry wasnt going to change a thing....except me and I was too important. I also knew that no matter how hard I tried and how brave I acted, that my son would see the anger. Now I dont think its wrong for them to see that for a time. I mean, they would think you were kind of crazy not to be angry and sad about it all.
But for me, I wanted to show my son what it looked like to deal with the tough stuff in life. I wanted him to see that even when life is hard, you can still rise above it. Even when it was heartbreaking, you could survive.
Mighty, be careful about thinking about what he has or doesnt have. Trust me when I tell you it isnt at all what you think it is. Not that it matters because it doesnt. But, there is no way someone in crisis, who left his family, had a baby, left his ow, then went back to her...is happy. But as I said, it doesnt matter.
You had no choice in his choices, but you have many you can make for you and your kids.
It is scary not knowing what's next. Really scary. But you do know this. You are smart and capable and worthy and enough and that's all you really need.
I get not wanting to do everything alone. It wont always be like this.
You arent whiny, Mighty. You are sharing your thoughts. Nothing wrong with that.
Start a bucket list. Put big things and small things on it. Get a book together of places you always wanted to go to and things you always wanted to try. Set small achievable goals.
We never know what the future holds, M, but you have to trust that it holds you.
